Mid-twenties queer in a "male-female" relationship Here's my story. I've identified as bisexual since I was twelve, though coming out didn't go well and I sort of tried to repress it. Plus, I didn't know any other lgbtq+ folks until University. Anyways- I've been in a relationship with a straight, cisgender guy for about ten years now. Things were great at first. But four years in, I had a fling with a trans girl. It ended as quickly as it began, but then I wanted to try polyamory. (It didn't work for me/my relationship) In retrospect, I think I wanted out :/ Another aspect to this is my mental illness. I've been struggling with depression (yes, I am in treatment) for many years, though it's gotten worse in the past two. Our relationship is strained. He wants me "back as I used to be". I don't think I can do that. I dread hanging out/going out with him (we live apart and see each other 1-2x a week). I don't want to kiss or be intimate. He's my closest friend and has been for so long. I care about him, I love him. But I'm not attracted to him. I feel awful because I can't tell if it's my depression or if my relationship has just run its course.
Re: Mid-twenties queer in a "male-female" relationship We've talked a little bit. I've suggested trying therapy together, he's agreed because he doesn't want to lose what we have. I'm not sure that it will help, but I'll try to gather my courage and figure out an appointment time. Some of this might stem from how much I've evolved as a person, while he has stayed basically the same. I'm younger than he is, so maybe that was to be expected?
I've been feeling like this for a while now, I love my partner but I'm not sure I'm in love and it's hard I'm sorry you're going through it, deciding who to be with and who you are and what are real feelings and what is a trick in your head is awful. I'm feeling like I need to go back to therapy, it's hard...
Re: Mid-twenties queer in a "male-female" relationship I had to comment on this because you sound so much like me. I am 30, and I am just beginning to identify as gay. I used to identify as bisexual, but like you did, I repressed it for a long time. Over the past couple of years, I've really wanted to be in a loving relationship with a woman, and the urge continues to strengthen. However, like you, I am in a 10-year relationship with a straight man. He is also my closest friend, and I have difficulty imagining life without him, but also like you, I'm starting to realize I am not attracted to him physically. This feels confusing to me because I used to think I was. In retrospect, I think I just wanted to be. Intimacy, for me, was about making him happy, not myself. I, too, have wondered if it's my depression or just that my relationship has run its course. I can't believe how similar your post is to mine. I've never been diagnosed with depression, but I've been depressed my whole life, and my therapist thinks it has more to do with repressing my sexuality. In the end, we both have to do what's right for us, and if that means ending a relationship, then that's the way it has to be. If he's really a true friend, he will understand and stick by you anyway. I think that my boyfriend would understand, and I really do think he would continue to be my friend. But I think a lot of it is fear: Fear of whether things will work out for me. Maybe these are things you struggle with, too. I hope that helps somehow. Feel free to message me anytime. (( hugs )) Rosa
Re: Mid-twenties queer in a "male-female" relationship Your situations are very similar to mine. I had been with my straight male partner since we were teenagers and we have 4 children together. Like you both he is my best friend but other than the whole sexuality stuff we hadnt been right for a few years and some of this was to do with his own issues which he is unfortunately only now working on. I have also thought it was due to my depression and also his, but now I wonder if it was my sexuality that was the problem. Some days I think I have it all sorted in my mind and others I am just so damn confused. We split 3 months ago but I still see him daily and we are getting on better but things are complicated because I'm in a hidden relationship with a woman whom I'm very much in love with. I can't shake the feeling of needing them both in my life but can't find a way it will work. Maybe some time alone to figure yourself out is what you need. It's what I tried to do but I didn't get enough space. Sometimes you just need that space to work things out and make some true realisations. I felt like I was being pushed and pulled in all directions. In reality unless you both feel like you could change the relationship to being close friends then being friends rather than lovers is a difficult thing to do. Stripping the relationship back to being friends can also ultimately save it .
Re: Mid-twenties queer in a "male-female" relationship I know I can relate to this! Congratulations on meeting someone who's right for you, though. That's wonderful. I also wondered if my sexuality was the problem all this time. I've been very moody for the past year or so, and we argue all the time. When I came to the realization I was gay, I thought perhaps maybe I was the real problem here. It's definitely a major issue he knows nothing about. Space helped me. He's been away for about four months now, working, and it's been a great blessing to me. I need to tell him the truth, and I think the key here is not thinking about the aftershock. I think, maybe, the best thing is to not think about how the person will react, and to just tell them. Then accept their reaction; after all, we can't control how other people react to anything. All we can do is our best and be honest. Rosa ---------- Post added 25th Sep 2016 at 09:30 AM ---------- Easier said than done, of course ...
Re: Mid-twenties queer in a "male-female" relationship <3 it always amazes me how similar people can be, both your and the posters stories resonate with me, good luck to you both, I wish we all knew what to do :-/
Hey all, I apologize for never replying. I posted and forgot all about this. I appreciate your replies and your honesty so very much. It's wild how many of us have found ourselves in a similar situation. Since it's been so long - has anything changed, evolved? Feel free to private message me anytime, I'm back on the forums.
My feelings of depression seemed/seem to be stronger when I am not tackling something that is really the thing that's bothering me. Like, I'm sad for what is a real reason, at root, but I was in too deep to identify it, often from not letting myself see it. Like, oh I dunno, wanting to have sex with dudes? Having sex with dudes has seemed to really lessen that depression, I've noticed. So I got that going for me.
