Explanations.

Hey Hexamum,

I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking over this exact thing. I will tell you my thoughts on how I explain it for myself - of course I'm not you, but maybe it can help you as well.

Ultimately, it all comes down to denial. However, people don't usually really understand the nature of denial, so let's talk about that. Denial doesn't mean that I was unaware of my same-sex attractions. I had already had sex with boys and men before I married, so I was certainly aware of the gay part of me. However, I didn't identify as gay. And, I sought out gay porn and fantasized about men in my head when I masturbated. So, again, how exactly did I not know, and therefore wasn't it all a lie?

The mind is an amazing organ. You really can convince yourself of just about anything given the right motivation. At 20 years of age, I knew deep down I was gay (though I didn't label myself that way), but I didn't want to be gay. I didn't identify with what I thought was "gay" in my surroundings. I actually thought being gay was a choice. So, I chose to not be gay. I lived with the fear of being found out, the shame that I had these taboo feelings (and even more shame that I had acted upon those feelings with an even bigger taboo of anal and oral sex with guys), and the shame that I would be the biggest disappointment to my family if they knew. I hated myself because I thought I was causing these gay feelings and I wasn't strong enough to stop myself from having them. I thought I was a bad person for feeling this way, and a failure as a man for not having the attractions to girls that I was supposed to have. I loathed myself for my gay thoughts and fantasies and often cried after masturbating to my gay fantasies. I even physically harmed myself (just punching myself) at times. And, of course, I felt guilty for all of this.

Fear, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-hatred. Those are all very powerful motivators, and were the chief reasons why I went into denial. But how did that work, exactly?

I told myself that I can choose to not be gay. I can choose to be heterosexual. So, I started dating women. And, to my surprise, it worked. I was able to have sex with women, even pretty passionate sex, and it was satisfying sex. "See," I told myself, "this is proof that I'm not gay!" The more time that passed with this kind of thinking, the more I believed this deception. But, the gay porn and fantasies, you ask? Ok, this is where rationalization and justification come in. I was able to rationalize that as just a quirk. Just my little gay quirk that's just for me and no one else needs to know about. I was able to compartmentalize that as just a weird part of me that's separate from everything else. As time went on, I rationalized it in different ways, but the common thread of that rationalization was that I wasn't gay, but had some small gay part of me. As long as I was able to keep that part of me secret, then all was good.

I never acted on my homosexual desires after I started dating women, then I was with my wife. I never cheated on her. So, for the length of my relationship with my wife, I was able to keep that "gay" part of me aside from my identity because it was kept in the realm of fantasy. If I had acted upon my desires and cheated on her, I think I would have had a much more difficult time believing that I was straight. So, as long as it remained a fantasy and not reality, I was able to justify and rationalize it as just a fantasy, nothing more.

Until it all came crashing down on me. But that's a whole other thread.

I hope all this makes sense. I've used parts of this to explain my denial to others. Keep in mind, however, that most people I have come out to don't really ask about any of this, so there's very few people who even know any of this. I assumed that I would have to explain my whole story to everyone, but that has certainly not been the case when I actually came out to people. It seems most people appreciated me being honest with them, but they're not really wanting to know that many details.

I hope this helps you.

 

Wish I had the answers for you, hexamum. Right there with you. Married for over 10 years. Dated women for a year before getting married and thought I could deal. Unexpectedly fell in love with an unavailable straight woman. Left to make sense of it all as a mom of two young children in my suburban life. If I leave, what will life have to offer me at age 46?

I have no answers. All I can offer is a hug? (*hug*)

 

Im single, but I can speak to it a bit. As I have come out, friends and family sometimes compassionately asked How long have you known? I talked about going in snd out of the closet to myself, in and out of denial. I talked about the things that made me scared to come out to myself. I talked about how even when I was able to be honest with myself, there were pressures (in my case mostly religious) to stay closeted to everyone else. People, even my mom, responded very compassionately to this, like, Wow, this has been hard for you for such a long time. Though people have sort of asked me the questions you aee worried about, it was because they cared about my story, not to judge me like I feared.