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Frustrations with time.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BrookeVL, Sep 10, 2016.

  1. BrookeVL

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    So I started seeing this guy a few months ago, who I met on one of those dating apps. Everything was fine for the first month and a half, then suddenly we never have time to see each other.

    This is kinda my fault, indirectly, as I decided to go back to school, so I'm busier than I had been. He's been busy since I met him, so we'd end up squeezing in time with each other.

    Two other issues are, he lives 45 minutes away, just far enough to be inconvenient(though not impossible). And also my being closeted doesn't help. I've missed a few chances, because of this, like not being able to invite him to things because people would ask questions, etc.

    I honestly really like him, and I think we could be way more than just casual dates. But at the same time, I'm tired of having a relationship that isn't moving forward because I haven't seen him in aver a month. We text regularly, but that's not the same as face to face interaction....

    I don't know what to do. I would like someone who fits in better with my schedule, but I also don't want to give up on him. I'm also way more into girls and the idea of having a gf again, unlike when I met him, where I was more into guys and having a bf.... We're not exclusive or anything, so I guess I could just find another date, and keep him until I do become exclusive with someone. But I feel really weird doing that....ugh I don't know.

    If any of you kind folks have advice, I'd much appreciate it.
     
  2. Nickw

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    Honesty. Ask him if he is cool with being a casual thing. Then try and make your time with him special when you do see him. There is no reason you can't have the relationship become a FWB deal as long as you both have the same goals.

    In the closet, those may be the sort of relationships that are available anyway. It isn't wrong if you both are into it and upfront with each other.
     
  3. Katchoo

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    What are your thoughts on coming out? Pros? Cons? Timing issues? Safety issues?
     
  4. BrookeVL

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    More that I'm likely not ready. My parents went on vacation, and I'm seriously considering telling them when they get back. Heck I was thinking of texting it, this way I can avoid the awkwardness and they have time to think before they say something stupid, like "Just date girls." or something like that. It's not really a safety issue, I think they'd be okay, not thrilled, but not like the end of the world either.(Actually Katchoo your parents reaction is one I see them having.)

    Pros:
    I'd actually be able to live the way I want.
    Being more out would be a big help finding someone(especially a guy).
    I wouldn't have to hide. I could tell other people without worrying about it "getting back home."​

    Cons:
    I might be homeless(not likely, but a chance)
    I might not be accepted the way I should.
    I just get the feeling it might cause as many problems as it solves.​

    NickW, that's a good point. I'll think about it, but I'm leaning there.
     
  5. Katchoo

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    You'll do it when you're ready. I will say, for me, one of the main reasons I came out to family and other important people in my life is that I wanted that out of the way before dating. Most people don't really want a relationship with someone who's closeted. They don't want to be someone's dirty little secret. I also thought it would be better to give my parents time to adjust before I wanted to bring someone home for Christmas or whatever. Abstract acceptance as step towards dealing with a real lady human. But, yeah, you'll do it when you're ready. And closeted dating really sucks.
     
  6. BrookeVL

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    Part of me is just thinking I want to do it casually. Send them a picture of me kissing a guy and just say it when they ask if I'm gay. "No, bisexual." Or just throw it in at dinner. "I'm bi, pass the potatoes."

    Don't know that that's the best idea though....
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    so you are not happy with the relationship because you can't make time for him because you're not out?

    does he know that you are bisexual and wanting to date women?
     
  8. BrookeVL

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    That's not THE reason I don't have time for him....school, work, he does acting as a hobby which takes up a lot of his time, and we generally just have conflicting schedules. If I was out, I still don't think we'd see each other much.

    Yes he knows I'm bi and want to date women. Unless we become exclusive, that is.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    in reading your post, i don't get the sense that YOU know what you want

    you say that you really like him, yet i'm not hearing anything in your post that indicates you have a genuine connection that's bf material

    you say that you could be way more than casual dates, yet neither of you seems to be willing to make time for each other and make it work

    you say that you are way more into girls - which implies kinsey 1-2?

    you're not out, which is probably a bigger factor than you realize

    my advice is to invest in the relationship or break up unless you both agree to make it strictly casual
     
  10. Nickw

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    Clustergazelle

    Here on EC, we have a lot of stories about people coming out gay to our families and friends. As a bisexual, I often think these stories don't apply to me. There are a couple of bisexual posters here that have come out. But, their situations are so different than mine that I don't see a lot of common ground. Although I respect and admire them.

    Bisexuality is hard for many to understand. "Are you gay and can't admit it? Do you just want to have sex with anyone? Can you choose one or the other...then why choose a guy?" You get it. How to explain what it means to you to someone else. Even my gay friends don't really get it.

    Don't feel you need to push coming out. Just be true to anyone you are involved with.
     
  11. BrookeVL

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    You're right, I don't. Not entirely.

    I thought there was a connection, but I suppose I could have been wrong...

    I sent him a text saying we need to make more of an effort or walk away. We'll see what happens.

    Right now, yes. Other times not so much. I'm not rigid, it's actually way more fluid than I'd like at times. I've identified as anywhere between a 2-4 at different times this past year, though I don't like using that scale because I don't bisexuality is something you can pinpoint beyond "likes men and women."

    We'll see what happens when he gets back to me.

    ---------- Post added 10th Sep 2016 at 11:55 PM ----------

    That's definitely an issue, and a big part of why I haven't come out. Probably the biggest. I just don't know how to explain it. The attraction I can explain easily, I can't control who I end up being attracted to. The desires are harder to explain. Why I don't just ignore it and be "normal" is hard to explain to people.
     
  12. Nickw

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    I think you hit on the crux of being bi. It seems we can be straight and "normal"...god knows I pulled it off for decades...and was pretty fulfilled. But, it was not authentic. The desires are there and a part of us.

    Question. If you don't fall for a guy, why come out? Philosophically speaking.
     
  13. afgirl

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    I think it really is hard to understand, sometimes even for me. When it comes down to it, I'm pretty certain I'm not a lesbian. I feel like my girlfriend is definitely a lesbian, and just talking to her and her views make me realize how different mine are, both in the way she views women and men than the way I do. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much and have no desire to leave her for a man or to date men at all. I just know deep inside that sexually, I'm completely compatible with men. Emotionally connecting is another story, though.

    Yes, sometimes it's hard to explain bisexuality to myself even, so how would I expect others to do that?
     
  14. I'm gay

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    This is a very interesting thread, though from just an observer's point of view. You are right in that I don't really understand. I'd like to, and I enjoy reading of the bisexual point of view. But as a gay man, and I've know I was gay since 11, it's hard for me to really get it. Thanks for continuing to educate us all on how it feels.

    To OP: my only suggestion here is that it might be better for you to come out when you are no longer questioning and are able to fully accept your bisexuality, or homosexuality or heterosexuality if that's the case. I'm basing this on the fact that your profile's Orientation lists you as Questioning. I know it was easier on me when I came out because I was able to talk to people with complete confidence, as opposed to telling people "I think I'm..." or giving them any impression that I'm still confused. It may also help your own self confidence. Once I truly accepted that I'm gay, my desire to stop hiding myself began building until it reached a level where I truly wanted to come out, and even HAD to come out.
     
  15. BrookeVL

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    To me, I feel like it's such a core part of me, I don't want to hide it. I also feel like visibility matters, and hiding feels like I'm doing a disservice to others. I can't complain about bi invisibility, if I'm living a lifestyle that contributes to it. I feel like a fraud having an opinion about it. Also, I want that door to be open to date whomever comes along, man or woman, that peaks my interest. I feel that's much easier if I'm out.


    Exactly my thoughts. It's hard for me to understand sometimes too. I feel sexually compatible with both men and women, sometimes one more than the other. Emotionally is another story. I don't feel like I've ever connected emotionally with a woman, at least not in an instance where my feelings were reciprocated. Obviously not with men either.

    I'm honestly not questioning anymore. I've come to the realization that I'm as upset as I am, because I see the end of this relationship coming. I've felt this way in the past, towards women who didn't work out. Clearly I'm capable of being with either. I get emotionally involved, my feelings aren't reciprocated(I think I get too involved too quickly is my problem), and I feel all heartbroken and shitty.
     
  16. Nickw

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    I sometimes wonder if my current lifestyle is a cop out. I was all ready to be the out, middle-aged, bisexual man. Carry the banner at the parade and all that. But, for completely selfish reasons, I am not going to do that. Basically, I get to chose to be monogamous and out, or have an open relationship and stay closeted (as a bisexual).

    What I have found rewarding is that I can be straight OR gay. I do go out on the town with gay friends and will dance, kiss, hold hands etc. I am afraid to be bi, but not afraid to be gay!

    I hope you find a way to find the sort of openness and authenticity you need. But, I don't think it is your responsibility, either, to consider the rest of humanity when you do this. You just need to do what fits you.
     
  17. BrookeVL

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    I feel a lot better today, now that I'm off work. You're right, I shouldn't consider others in my decision. it needs to be me and me only.