Coming out late/past relationships

I think that when you're young, it's much easier to have straight sex because sex feels good no matter the gender. As I got older, I wasn't as horny all the time and it became so much more difficult to be aroused by my wife, until eventually I was completely unable to perform. For me, the early years of my marriage were good years sexually speaking, and that time period made it that much easier to identify as straight.

 

I agree with Imgay47. When younger I think it was just being happy about getting laid. To some point I think that is what sustained me so long with my ex-gf. Even so, as the struggling with sexuality emerged more, it just always felt something was missing.

 

I finally got out after 15 years in a straight marriage. There was no real intimacy and it turns out a good deal of emotional abuse. I was never really comfortable with the sex and it never felt like my expressions of love were reciprocated. Sex involved a lot of fantasizing in my head about others to get me through it. I was in a relationship with a BPD/NPD. I think the unnecessary emotional drama covered up the lack of real intimacy and allowed me to remained shut off from my feelings. Yes, there was moments early on that I think I enjoyed or at least I really wanted my imagined self to enjoy. By the end of the relationship, sex was extremely traumatic because I felt I could not say no without fear of physical/emotional abuse. I had already told her I was leaving and she did not accept it. I mean I did said no over a dozen times during those three or four days, but she did not stop. After a week, I finally got out for good. I am still working on the coming out part of it. At least the bad relationship is over and I can now provide a safe space for my kid when they are with me.

It's only been a few months, so I am not dating or anything like that. The closest thing I have done to coming out was attending a gay/gay friendly parents playdate with my kid. I really wanted to just be able to say, 'hey, I'm bisexual'. Turns out it's hard to do even when you are at an explicitly LGBT event.

 

Well, I think I somewhat enjoyed sex with my wife early on, but in a way it always felt a bit like a chore. As our marriage became increasingly sexless, I actually feared that she would instigate sex, knowing that performance and my enjoyment would be an issue.

 

I totally agree with this!

I would also add that as my ability to be aroused lessened over time, I reacted to different sexual acts in different ways. For example, I think the first thing to go was going down on her. I never REALLY enjoyed it, always felt like I was separated from my body while doing it and seemed more like I was performing a play. But my ability to do it just got harder and harder to do fairly early on while I was still able to have intercourse for many years after. My wife would hardly ever go down on me, and even when she did it was for a bare minute or so, so I didn't even have that. :bang:

Early on we used to experiment a bit with a little light bondage, massage, porn (straight, sigh!), vibrating toys, etc. After we began having kids, however, all that just stopped and all we had then was pretty vanilla sex, and even that reduced over time from weekly to monthly (though from what I hear pretty common even in hetero marriages) because of my dwindling desire for her as a woman.

 

I was in a seven year hetero and year half marriage with a man and Id have to agree the first bit you're just young and want sex. Heck I could get it on with a pillow and be good for a few rounds. Then as time wore on I thought it was normal to have it maybe once every few months. I made a lot of excuses and for him he felt bad about his body.

It felt like a job to be honest. You clock in, do t he deed and clock out. I couldn't even look him in the eye anymore and cringed when it happened. I think by our first anniversary he noticed I was really not into it and was just playing along.

But yes, while i didnt enjoy the sex I do fear that others will judge me if I mention that I had hetero sex. But honestly: who gives them the right?

 

I enjoyed sex to an extent at first when I tried to pretend I was hetero. I liked certain things, the closeness, the new experience, and it felt good to be touched. However, I didn't orgasm at all, and even thought I was incapable. I didn't desire sex often, and wasn't turned on by my partner, but rather extraneous things (ie getting pregnant, seeing an attractive woman, etc). I didn't know what I was missing until I had a woman, though. Then it was like, "Oh, THIS is what I'm supposed to feel?! Wow!" That's when I was able to say I am a lesbian.

 

Not rude at all. I'm so glad you're figuring this out now. I didn't come out of denial until now at 47. You've got so much of life still ahead of you. Not that I don't, but 20 more years is still 20 more years.