Struggling today

Hey. I'm sorry you're having such a bad time.

Try not to think of all these situations as one big conglomerate. They may all be flaring up now but you don't have to handle them all at once. You can deal with them in your own time, in the smallest, little increments that you can handle. Every little bit counts.

It will get better. Outwardly, my life doesn't appear to have changed but I'm much happier and calmer now as little pieces of coming to grips with all this have started to fall into place.

Are you out to yourself? As in, can you tell yourself in the mirror that you're gay? Or to a pet or dog in the neighbourhood. Even saying it out loud to "nobody" can bring on an amazing feeling.

Maybe you could map out a few goals you'd like to achieve and then note down one or two steps that would get you moving towards those goals. It might make you feel better seeing that there is actually a way forward.

Try not to be scared. This is totally doable. It took 39 years to get to this point, allow yourself the time to get to the next one.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. I feel like it's one of those weeks for every person I know. It will get better. You're going to figure this out. One little bite at a time, you will eat the elephant.

Hey, Really, I love that you talked about coming out to animals, lol. I came out, in detail, to my cat like 5 times in the days before Icame out to my family. He had the weirdest look on his face, so confused why I kept talking all concerned and sometimes crying. Lol, I found myself feeling way too affirmed when he wanted pets after I came out and way too hurt when he turned his back. "Oh no, he hates me b/c I'm a lesbian!" No. He turned around because he has been laying on his right side too long, and he doesn't speak that much english. Lol.

 

I'm sorry, but no, it doesn't get any easier. It only gets harder.

I'd like to ask you about some of your word choices. You say "... when I come out..." and "I need something to change." I sounds like you have determined that at some point you will come out, but come out as what?

We talk here on EC a lot about baby steps. Taking this one step at a time in small ways. I would suggest that maybe you focus on determining your true sexual orientation first. This is not necessarily an easy task, but it wastes your energy and emotions to focus on the coming out part right now. That just piles on the difficulty and increases anxiety - "crippling" as you said.

Your profile's orientation shows as "Not straight." Are you trying to decide between gay and bi? Or something else?

The first step in coming out is Coming Out to Yourself. Reaching a place of self-acceptance prior to coming out to others is highly preferable. Not only will it be easier to come out to other people, but you will likely have more self confidence in doing so.

While you're trying to figure this part out, please keep reading, and keep posting!

 

I can't imagine it's going to get any easier as time goes on. It hasn't for me. In fact, I'd probably give anything to be able to just ignore it like I did a few years ago in my 20s. I still knew but it was beneath the surface, out of sight, where I could pretend it wasn't important and wouldn't ever need me to acknowledge it. Now it's THERE. ALL. THE. TIME! Just banging away on top of everything else that's happening in life. I don't know how to move forward... yet... but the older I get the less able I am to ignore it.

Like you, I don't feel like I NEED to do something right now, but I'm terrified of when that day comes and I can't hold back and I finally drag myself out of the closet against my will.