So, having just put a question up in chit chat.....it's made me think a little more about a few things. Here's the situation I am in at this time. NOT getting on with husband. His every move annoys me. But that's not a new thing. I started chatting on EC and looking up info not quite knowing how it'd end up. It's something that's been (majorly) on my mind for a while. Half of me had hoped that I'd investigate, find that it was just my mind playing tricks, I'd put it away in the box in the back of my mind and move on. I'd make extra effort with Husband. Job done. Nope. Even after the first evening of being on here, I connected. Peoples posts could have come straight from me. I smiled. I read. I felt good. I felt real. Fast forward to tonight. I have two apps on my phone. Both lesbian dating/friendship apps. I have profiles on both. Both state Chat/friendship. I have a profile on here. I visit daily. I daydream. A lot. But, I feel like shit. Am I lying? No. I haven't lied outright at all. Am I being truthful?....hummm...probably not. I *feel* like I'm cheating. Like I have thousands of secrets. I have to double check myself when I speak, in case I say something which dropped me in it. I just want to wave a magic wand and it all be over. I *know* the marriage isn't going to work. How can it? But it's major upheaval. Kids. House. Blah Blah. Sorry to waffle. :bang:
Hey Hexamum. I tried to put it back in a box, too. Didn't work. The notion of my queerness just kept getting bigger and bigger until I was totally overwhelmed. That's when I came here... and like you, I found it to be a really major help. I know the dynamic. It's intense, hey? For me, keeping secrets felt heavier than telling the truth... although it isn't all light and rainbows to share. It *does* get easier, but life can get really bumpy. I found that EC offered support. Many, many people here mention that they've found support through local LGBT groups. It makes sense to me that you need to put support in place. I hope that you can find a way to carry fewer secrets... and it's totally okay to keep coming here and posting your worries/fears/thoughts.
"For me, keeping secrets felt heavier than telling the truth" Yeah, it feels like that at the moment. It consumes all of my thoughts! I am unsure where I can go for help, irl. Trying to disconnect for even a couple of hours is nigh on impossible, just to get a hair cut!! LOL!! I'd never be able to attend somewhere to see someone, unfortunately. Thanks for replying. It's good to connect. x
Been there. Once I accepted that I'm gay, the box lid would not go back on. While in denial I was able to keep the box locked away, but not after I was no longer in denial. Yep. I daydreamed so much it began interfering in my real life. My daydreams were really escapist fantasies. I would fantasize many different ways in which the end result was me without wife and kids and having my gay life. The daydreams seemed harmless enough in the beginning, just fantasies I told myself. I think now that my mind was trying to cope with the knowledge that I'm gay but still in the closet and unable to come out and "destroy everything" that was in my life. I'm now out and nothing got destroyed. You are not alone.
Secrets pile up fast, don't they? I have profiles on a couple apps myself and initially I told myself it was just for.... curiosity. Maybe it was at that point, but it's not anymore as things have gone way past just being curious. So I really do have a double life at this point and keeping them from overlapping is not easy. It quickly gets on top of you and you have to watch yourself constantly. Not too long ago someone I know from an app was on the news and I said out-loud... "I know him from ...somewhere"... But what I almost said was ... "I know him from ... Grind*r!"....
