To start off, I want to say that I adore my therapist! He has this way of making me completely comfortable, while still challenging me and the things that I say. He's helped me connect more than a few dots already. Our conversation yesterday had to do with my discomfort with being gay. It's weird to me, because generally I always thought I was comfortable with it. But I'm realizing more that maybe I'm not. I am the most "myself" when identifying as gay, and I have certain safe environments where I can be out and be around friends or like at a gay bar (they've seriously become some of my favorite places to hang out, not alone, but like on a date or something. I feel so free, and like I can just relax and not have to worry about what other people are thinking or if they're judging me). I find discomfort in being out in public and being affectionate with a guy (kissing, holding hands, etc) and since I enjoy those things with women, I always thought that was a sign of maybe not being gay. But my therapist pointed out to me that 1-A large number of gay guys find public displays of affection uncomfortable, and 2-I'm by and large a people pleaser, and I know that society as a whole doesn't like seeing a guy with another guy, so it makes sense that I feel uncomfortable doing something in public that I think I'm being judged negatively for. I'm holding onto the realization (which I've always sort of known) that I am at my happiest when I'm just letting myself "be" gay. And that's a happiness and comfort level that I deserve to have at all times. So I've started to take next steps. They scare me like crazy but they're important. I came out to an aunt of mine who has never known anything. I've mentioned here that I have two aunts who are a lesbian couple and like parents to me. One of them (the one I'm not related to by blood) has a sister who I also consider my aunt. She's my cool Aunt! Took me to my first concert when I was 14 (Hootie & The Blowfish at MSG!), took me to the movies when I first started getting really into movies, etc. I have never told her about my sexuality at all. Lately she's been asking my cousin questions about my "marriage" as she has noticed that my "wife" and I are never together on social media, etc. I felt like she was a safe person to speak to, especially since given how my aunts have reacted when I've tried coming out to them before (like before the wedding, last August), I'm just not ready to speak to them about it yet. But I wanted to talk to somebody of the older generation in my family. She was awesome about it! Had a ton of questions for me of course, and I was happy to answer. I can remember visiting her when I was 16 (she moved to a different state) and learning that her good friend and neighbor was gay, and being really curious about him and wanting to talk to him but not being able to. I told her this and she was like OMG you so could have talked to him back then! He passed away a few years ago sadly. I remember her calling him the Will to her Grace back then, haha. The conversation also revealed some of where my lesbian aunts are coming from when they seem so resistant to accepting that I'm gay. They've been a couple for about 38 years, from when they were really young (one aunt was 17, the other I believe 20) and we're talking about them being together in the late 1970s and forward. They apparently dealt with a lot of bullying back then - name calling, spray-painted insults, etc. It makes sense that the last thing they'd want is for me to go through anything like that. It also makes sense as to why even now they seem to be very private about their relationship. It's more of an unspoken understanding that they're a couple. I've never seen them be affectionate towards each other, and they refuse to get married even now that they legally could. It feels good having a better understanding of where they are coming from. It doesn't mean I should be straight. I mean, I'm not straight. That's just the way it is.
