I have been taking time to just think about my life and how I feel. No over thinking or unrealistic realities, just time to give honest thought. I've come to a horrible conclusion. Yes, I'm bisexual and so comfortable with that, but.... I am extremely lonley in my life. Such loneliness that it is a secret torture I endure behind the life others see and think they know oh so well. I have no family. None at all in my life. Their out of my life because I don't do hate or life supporting, must create drama. So, I don't have anything to do with the family I was raised with. ( Why do people need to hate each other anyways? Hate is so stupid as drama is to. ) I have coworkers that remain as coworkers only. I only interact with them at work, never outside of work. This is because I have heard them make such insulting comments about gays and such connected people. I don't need their insults, hate, or other stupidity attacking me, especially at my work. I need my job, but not the bullsh*t. I use to go to church, but stopped for similar reasons I don't allow my coworkers to go beyond work. I've been to a hand full of churches in my area in recent months and continue to encounter the same hate infested judgements about gays and similar people. ( Am I evil or bad because I'm bi? Do I deserve to be condemned? Ask and you shell painfully be answered. ) I live in a small southern u.s town surrounded by other similar towns. All with the same hostile feelings and comments about gays and such. So I have no friends. I will not jump on their hate wagon and pretend to be like them just to have a social life. Hypocrisy doesn't belong in me and neither do these ignorant people. So I have no one. I am so lonley that it's brutal. Like emotional torture I have to endure privately every damn day of my life. I hate it!!! I have place 'friendship' posts on Craigslist for anyone who wants to be my friend with the understanding I am a mid 40s bisexual man. I don't flaunt it, but as friends, I don't want to hide it. This was a joke of desperation on my part. I got either hate infested replies or guys who want to f*ck me. I don't accept hate and yes, I want and need sex, but the sex has to be apart of a relationship and not thee relationship itself. None my posts went anyhere I wanted to go. I want people in my life. People who care and respect me without me having to support their ignorant thinking or desires to use me as a sex toy. I want to be me and to me loved. I give it and I get it in return. Why is this so hard to find in people? " WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AS I AM?!!! " ( Final thought on this: Do I have to be a sex toy to others to have them apart of my life? Do I have to be ignorant and hate to belong? Either way, I'm getting f*cked! ):bang:
Wow. That doesn't sound like fun. Have you thought about non-romantic endeavours that will net you friends and then down the road other possibilities? I did a quick search and found these. Mobile-Gay-and-Lesbian-Friends-Meetup ALGBTICAL LGBT Wave of Hope
Max, is there any possible way that you could look to moving to a larger city? If there's nothing really holding you in Mobile other than a job, maybe you could find another job in a larger city.
Im sorry you feel this way...i know where you come from, really. And i know there is a way out of it allthough it doesnt always look like it. In my experience, people, especially guys, who makes comments about gays Its not coming from hate or disgust or whatever...i know it sounds like it..its just guytalk, trying to be tough or manly. Like, look at that girl...i wanna bang her...first of all, some guys dont actually want to bang her, or if they do they dont act on it because they dont dare... Im obviously not familiar with your exact situation and what kind of work you do. Maybe you want to tell something about it? do they know you r bisexual?
*sending cyber-hugs* I'm not on your friendship site, but feel free to natter on my wall if you need someone x And yeah, any way of moving region? Somewhere to re-invent yourself....as yourself?! No pretence or needing to hide? I'm sorry you feel lonely. And no, only be a sex-toy when you want to be
Ugh :dry: The title of your thread said it all. I couldn't imagine what your situation is like. That must be unbearable! It's as if people around you go about their lives indulging in the luxury of having others at their side; but when it comes to people like us, just beneath the skin, we're emotionally churning and gasping for somebody's affection :icon_sad: The indescribable pain that comes with being lonely is no less comparable to a form of torture :tears: I'm simply glad a found a place like EC with people (&&&) that share quite rather the same experiences It, in a way, boosts my confidence and strengthens my mentality on life :icon_bigg The way I deal with my loneliness is I do my best to let my over-reactive feelings out in a healthy manner and adapt to situations to feel better; for example, I'll express my feelings by listening to loud music, draw a picture, or play my electric piano.
Max, You're a year older than me, so I think we may be at similar stages in life. We now are defining our lives as we want them to be, and with the knowledge and wisdom of a few accumulated years we also are acutely aware of the tradeoffs that choices bring. I'm seeing that while some choices have benefitted me, they didn't always come cheaply. In my opinion (based on very little information about you) you might want to consider whether you would choose the things in your environment based on who you are today. I wonder if over time you've done so much adapting and adjusting that you are finally at a point where basic support is lacking. It doesn't sound like you've consciously chosen these things around you from your bisexual identity. I never thought of myself as a big city guy, but over the years I've moved from Iowa to Illinois to New Mexico to Washington State. I started in Cedar Rapids and today I'm in Seattle. I can't say that my life is without challenges (I've just posted to this same forum on the things I'm dealing with) but at least with a large, diverse community around you (not just LGBT but diverse in many ways - racially, economically, religiously, in different kinds of available housing, in different kinds of available jobs) you'll have more resources nearby. It doesn't even have to be a huge city or a drastic change - just enough that you can get some support with more resources than you have now. In the meantime, I think you're right about finding simple, platonic ways of meeting people. I also like to volunteer both for gay and non-gay groups. Of course your faith is vital as well, so this may require that you go inward and let that help you find the right congregation. It's easy for me to spout off answers without really knowing you and the pain you're going through. Just feel my hand on your shoulder from across the miles, and know that you're much more loved and significant to the universe than you may feel at this time. Patrick
