I am stood on a pathway. Bit by bit, all the stones are falling away into oblivion, until it's just me, stood there, on one stone. That's how I feel right now. I walk around my house, and none of it seems real. I am going to lose it all. I'm going to have to walk away with nothing. Start again from scratch. I'm 43, and I am going to be back down to nothing. It makes me doubt making any kind of move forward. But then, how can I lie anymore. I can't. I keep trying to think of the words to say, but they just don't come. I want all the screaming and shouting and crying to be started, so it can be over, and we can all move on......somehow.
Sorry you're feeling this way. Big changes are very scary! Do you have a plan in place? Know somewhere you can go, even temporarily? Is it possible to do any preparation now? It might make you feel better if you had a plan in place.
I hope things are feeling a little better today. Please know that your life is real. What you've built with your family is love. Your children are love. Your past with your spouse is love. Be kind to yourself, and give it time. Baby steps. I agree with the above poster, having a plan in place is key. Even if you're not ready to say anything yet, knowing that you're taking action and preparing yourself for great changes in the future can help you feel less despair. I can relate to wanting the fighting to start just so that you can move past it. It's tough just waiting for the other shoe to drop. *hugs* Feel free to vent here, especially if you can't at home!
I got stressed earlier. I half told him. He was more concerned with the kids unravelling the hoover wire. *sigh* Feel like shit :'(
What do you mean by half told him? Did you start yhe conversation and not get a chance to drop the bombshell? Life with kids is so full of distractions! Try again once they are down, don't give up. You deserve to be heard if you're ready. Good luck.
So I got a little stressed earlier. (state of the house, lack of help, people generally ignoring me....and all *this* stuff rumbling in my brain!!) So before I lost the plot, I made a cup of tea and sat at the dining table for 5 minutes. As I'm calming down a bit, he comes in, sees I'm sat, head in hands and walks back out. Not a word. Which makes me cry. He comes back in 5 minutes later. It goes like this... What's wrong? I'm fed up. With? Everything. Like? *shrugs* Dunno, just too much thinking about stuff. You always think too much. Yeah, true. Is it the housework? Don't worry about it, just leave it for now. No. Is it your crafting stuff? No. You'd not understand. Are your tablets not working anymore? Do you need to see the doctor again? Ha...he'd not be able to fix this!! *laughs* Fix what? *silence where I think of words to Say*.....{in my head all I can hear is I'M GAY...I'M GAY....I'M GAY} I don't think I'm straight. And that's what you've been thinking about? Yeah. And how'd that one pop into your head? It's been there a long time. And here he commences to tell 2 year old to get off the hoover, and 4 year old comes in wanting a drink...... Pretty much end of discussion. I.go out in the garden, sat on the bench. He comes out 10 mins later, playing footie with the 2 year old. Nothing else has been said. But he's trying to be super good with the kids today... Whereas I've been stressed, so I'm the bad cop and he's the good cop today. :/ So...erm....Yeah.
Measured response followed by deflection, sounds familiar. I'm fairly certain that my husband is in denial about this whole thing, that this is just a passing fancy of mine. Perhaps it is. Until I know for sure I don't think the big fight will happen. Sounds like your husband might be in the same place. Wants to be supportive but thinks this is coming out of nowhere, so doesn't want to give it too much thought or attention. I could be wrong, just a thought. I saw a quote somewhere, something like "isn't it strange that we talk the least about what's most on our minds" Such a frustrating thing, to want to share what's consuming our thoughts but not to be able to talk with those we love. Thank goodness for therapists.
"I saw a quote somewhere, something like "isn't it strange that we talk the least about what's most on our minds" Such a frustrating thing, to want to share what's consuming our thoughts but not to be able to talk with those we love." How true is that. There is so much we never talk about. It just stays bottled forever, or it gets blurted out in crisis moments. I've been in trouble in our marriage for a while, but ask him, and everything is perfect. and for that, My bad. He always wants control (I am talking in everyday matters here, nothing sexual) and I wonder if I took all that away when I said I wasn't straight. Like, something beyond his control and he couldn't process that or know what to say in return. I don't know. However, He has gone to bed, said all the normal things, and off he went. :/ (He goes to bed silly early as he leaves for work at 3am) I am not sure about therapy for me. It can take months to get to see someone.
My wife was in denial a bit after I came out to her. It wasn't until I began to really come out to everyone that her denial broke. As for my head conversations - yeah, I've carried on talking about being gay to myself for hours. Some of it I've been able to relay to others, and a lot more to my gay best friend, but the rest of it is either still only in my brain or shared with you all here.
In a non-insulting way....He is not a thinker. He's simple. (Not intellectually) Everything is black and white. Yes means yes, no means no. He makes decisions, and moves on. Simple. I'm quite jealous actually! He goes to sleep on his 3rd breath after closing his eyes. He empties his mind, and he's gone. He goes to sleep, he wakes up. End of. I have manic thought trains. I can rumble through 50 scenarios in 5 minutes and be a total mess!! And it takes forever for me to sleep. I dream almost every night. The way I read the response was him thinking....oh, here's another scatterbrain idea she's come up with.....lets just agree and move on. He just doesn't *understand* someone can think so much. It's not that he won't, its that he just can't. I have had crisis' before over other issues (family etc) and he just says..."I don't know why you get so worked up over it, just shut it out of your mind and get on with yourself....." So, I am back to square one again. I got so worked up and was so ready to tell him, and got shot down. So I need to pick another time, or wait for him to bring it up again I guess. *sigh*
Thanks for bumping the conversation. Coming out to our spouses is one of the most difficult conversations that many of us will have in our lifetime. We share our authentic selves with our loved ones, and they discover that we aren't who they think we are. We drop a bomb on them, and they will need time to process the message. Having a successful coming out conversation requires preparation and the resolve to say "this is who I am" without backing down or apologizing. While you are to be commended for taking a baby step of starting the conversation with your husband, I hope you realize that you didn't set up this crucial conversation for success. The key takeaways for next time are Make sure the kids aren't around when starting this conversation. They provided an easy escape for your husband, such that he didn't give you his full attention. Be prepared to say more than you are not straight. You need to share with him sincerely and unquestioningly that you are a lesbian. You can find additional suggestions in the blog that I referenced in the other thread. HTH
