Anyone else ever feel ashamed of feeling ashamed?

I totally relate to this. While I didn't really have a really liberal and gay-friendly family (at least I didn't think so), I did have at times various feelings of shame that also included shame for letting this go on for this long, and because it seemed like I should have known all along.

Here's what I concluded after much introspection: I did know all along. Deep down of course I knew. Early on, shame and fear kept me in the closet. Much later on, after marriage and kids, I had lost the shame of being gay, and fear is what kept me in the closet. Only as I got really close to coming out did I start feeling some shame because of the "lack of awareness" thinking. Once I came out, however, those feelings just vanished.

I also experienced the shame of cowardice as well. Why was I such a coward?

Again, coming out, for me, removed all of those feelings.

 

You have hit the nail squarely on the head with this. It is very fashionable today for the Group to say, "well, where the hell have you been? It's 2016!" The same guy who gives another guy crap for this often will be the one placing ads on gay pickup sites for "straight acting" males, etc.

There are plenty of gay bigots, pretending to be from a wonderful place where rainbows sprinkle from the heavens, where middle school students ask themselves, "why aren't you gay yet" and where gay youth suicide is a thing of the past.

Gay closo-homophobia is very similar to the regular kind. The more somebody complains about something, the more likely it is that they are what they complain about. Those "liberal" people who are ready to lump the people in the closet with their former haters most likely were once: (1) in the closet themselves, (2) fearful, (3) bullied, and many other things. They would like you to think that you are hopelessly clueless about the New World Order.

The nice thing about EC is that most people here are trying very hard to help others develop a better sense of self-acceptance. This is a caring place. It might serve as a model for the general society in encouraging and accepting people, rather than condemning them. Another thing EC's posters prove everyday is that the problems of discrimination, bullying, youth suicide, and exclusion are still big problems, for the youth today. Anyone who thinks these problems are gone and that people have no reason to "protect" themselves is deluding himself.

 

Your perception, if I'm not misreading you, is that out gay people harbor a disdain for those still in, or recently out of, the closet. That has not been my experience. As someone who came out very late in life, I have absolutely no shame for being gay, but I do have a residual shame for having stayed in the closet so long (and for all the baggage, such as a wife and kids, I've accumulated during a lifetime in the closet). Nowadays, when I meet someone new, I feel I have to "come out" to them, not as gay, but as someone who was recently in the closet, and for a long time. I usually delay any explanations at least until I know the person a little, but explanations are inevitable, given I have a very extensive "void" in my gay resume. I can honestly say I have never had an adverse reaction from anybody. Guys are often curious about how and why I stayed in the closet so long. They often want to know how I managed to have sex with women, given that I identify as 100% gay. But no one has ever condemned me or tried to shame me for how I've lived my life. On the contrary, I've met with nothing but love and acceptance in the gay community.

---------- Post added 18th Sep 2016 at 08:59 AM ----------

I should probably add that I have seen disdain in the gay community for closeted LGBTQ people — usually politicians, but also some entertainers, sports stars, and the like — who actively work to harm the interests of gay people. Those people are regarded — rightly, I think — as quislings.

 

I've seen this disdain for the closeted a few times. The "It's 2016!" excuse is the worst as it assumes that every life and situation is the same regardless of circumstance. It negates the stress of being a gay person based on a calendar date. The assumption that because YOU are out that others should be out as well is unhelpful and counter productive. You have absolutely no idea what another person is going through or has dealt with in life.

Awhile ago I was reading though posts on another forum similar to this one and clicked a rather innocent post-topic asking "Why do some people still choose not to come out?"...

The first reply....

"Because they're spineless coward fags."

I felt sick and think of that line almost every day of my life.

 

After my family found out that I was gay...the attacks that I received from them made me feel ashamed for being a gay man that after awhile..I began to feel ashamed myself for being gay. Then, there was the period of feeling ashamed for dating guys and having sex with them afterwards but not during the act. However, the stupid way I tried to deal with my family especially my mom was trying to buy her approval and her love. Eventually, I discovered that this was not working in my favor and I was being used and manipulated. Once I embraced my sexuality...everything else began to fall in place by not caring what my family thought or gaining their approval about my being a gay man. Also, I began to feel really good about dating guys as well as being in long term relationship thereafter due to the fact that I was with some pretty good looking guys that I even heard my older sister talking about how hot my boyfriends were and they were jealous.

 

I'm a people pleaser. I wish I wasn't, but I am. Not as much as I used to be when I was younger though, thankfully.
I just feel bad for being gay and it upsetting others. Like I am a bump in *their* road, and I should apologise for that.
I have nothing to apologise for. This is me. Simple as.
I wish I had come out when I was 17. It'd have been way easier than having to answer questions as to WHY I stayed closeted. :/

 

I want to hug you. When I was about 5 I cried Bacause my kindergarten teacher wouldn't let me sit beside the girl I loved. I told her once I didn't understand why girls couldn't get married because I would marry her <3 I never outgrew that, I never liked a single boy all through school, I tried to, even dated. I stopped being friends with certain girls because well... Girls change together. Shower together, share beds at sleep overs and it's just not ok to let them curl up in bed next to you and you stay up all night just watching them sleep... I backed out of a lot of my life. I swear everyone had to have known I was gay. Had to. Even older I tried to date men and finally finally found the guy, probably the only one I could really fall for and was able to have a life and family and he doesn't seem to mind that I'm virtually obsessed with women... Not all women but some.. And painfully so. I'm basically thirty and my interests seem kinda 'gay' I even 'dress like a lesbian' according to him, I hang out with the dad's at play group and then I realize I should try and connect with women on a friend level but then it's that awkward parent dating and they don't know who I . It's at the point though where people I'm all sides of the 'is it ok to be gay' debate talk to be because they know I don't have a problem with it and they also don't think I have a stake in it so I hear everything they'd say to me were I with a woman. My uncle is gay. He's married to man and no one on that side had any problems with it... And at first I didn't want it. I wanted to be straight. Like crying in the shower listening to the indigo girls saying boys are fine... And I'm not a lesbian. Once my mother asked if I wanted to be a boy because of the way I dressed and never showed interest in boys, was tough and always dragged the cutest little blond girls around everywhere I went like they were mine... Was there something to tell (I was probably 11) I said no!!! And ran off. I didn't understand telling people could be good. I was private about it and people knew or didn't. I ended up with a guy, married and all that and I'm
Not all lovey, basically I saw myself as xena, like I couldn't have the women I loved because of ratings and I was destined to fight the world. Also I was scared. I saw everyone up in arms over homosexuality and heard about beatings and killing and all that and so anyone who knows it's like it's nothing because I'm with a guy. Maybe I'm
'Pretending' to be bi they might think? I don't know so I say nothing because it doesn't really matter unless there's sex involved right, so I decided I tell everyone when and if I am ever completely in love with a woman... Because if you needed to know you would? I kinda feel Like a liar though because when asked about My side of things I choose words carefully...

 

I totally relate to this. Even though I've been aware of my same sex desires since I was 18 (and even had a same sex relationship) I've felt really ashamed of those feelings for a long time and a great deal of internalised homophobia. Although I grew up in quite a rural, conservative place my family wasn't particularly religious or homophobic. I'm still unsure where all the shame has come from.

I agree that it seems like the last thing that is unacceptable, being ashamed of being gay and not being 'out' in a society that is supposedly open minded and accepting. I'm out to some people and although some friends said they don't think less of me for not being more open about it I sometimes wonder if that's true.

I totally agree with what question mark has said. No one, whether LGBT or straight, has the right to judge anyone else for how long it takes them to accept and feel comfortable with their sexuality. Society is still very patriarchal and heteronormative. And you don't know what has happened in anyone's life. Everyone has to go through a process and everyone's journey will be different.