I suspected I was gay young. Broke up with my only proper girlfriend at 21(I was 37 in June)and came to realize I was totally gay in my late twenties. I flipped:tears:, I didn't go near people, got addicted to oxycontine and methadone and only felt better and got clean recently. I had been with guys for brief flings but a year ago i got a boyfriend and fell in love.:icon_redf It didn't work out but it made up my mind. I came out to everyone and while some weren't thrilled no one was nasty. I hate myself for the 15 years I wasted. 15 years of only brief flings with no emotional support. I feel I've ruined my whole life. And I'm too blame. No one else. I'm finding it hard to get over this,its always on my mind. I literally hate myself. I could use some advice,really,I can't talk to my closest sister(a year older than me,we are best buds)cos I don't want to upset her.
First, congrats on getting clean, i'm sure it wasn't easy. Have you considered talking to a professional ? It could really do you good and help with the self hatred you feel. It's sometimes a long process to discover and accept yourself but just because it took you a long time doesn't mean that you ruined your life. Some people don't really they're gay until they are much older. I'm 26 and I've never kissed anyone, and also feel like I've wasted some much time already but I find that dwelling on the past doesn't help. Celebrate who you know you are today and open yourself to the possibility of happiness, I assure you it is not too late.
The last paragraph you wrote does indicate the shame and self-blame still is pretty strong. I'm curious what recovery program you might be using. This is pretty much the step 1 issue of the 12 step programs. I've been doing some reading on this subject and was surprised to see just how much more frequent drug addiction is in the LGBT world. Something like a 500% incidence rate compared with the general population. The best advice I can suggest is to find an LGBT-friendly recovery group. That might help to tackle both of the problems at once. I really liked your sentence, "It didn't work out but it made up my mind." :eusa_clap
You havent wasted your life, its just starting. I come from exactly the same place as you...i was 36 when i came out after years of denying and cheap girl-flings..and i thought exactly as you do now. Its like you wrote my story, including the addiction. Apparently there wasnt a safe time to come out openly, or maybe you werent ready yet. I too thought i wasted my life, my good years...now i think different, sort of, i am not totally there yet...but that place where u r in right now? It will fade and make room for dreaming about the future.
In my late 40s here and finally coming out. Two things that first popped in my head were I wish I'd come out at 37 lol. The years in front of you are precious and you can still leave a fulfilling authentic life. The 2nd thing that came to mind is how your story can help others; from the addiction, coming out; relationships, family. So go live the story and tell it. You might even save a life with it. You've inspired me. Thanks
Thanks everyone for replying. I feel a bit better from reading your messages. Faustian1 here in Scotland you can just go to your GP with drug issues. My doctors were great,despite how long it took me and the relapses they helped me without complaint. I suppose I'm lucky that I never used needles or took heroin. My cousin died with a needle in his arm so I know how that ends. When I realised I was gay I thought nothing would ever work out for me. So much so that it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I isolated myself,gained an addiction and except for the odd brief physical fumbling had no real contact with anyone for nearly 15 years. Then I fell in love. And for the first time I was glad I was gay. I told everyone, my dad just this week. He already suspected. I knew that the man I loved would leave me(he was married,he never lied to me though,I just fell for him)and when he did I was heartbroken, but thank full I had met him,he changed my whole life. But right now I just feel so lost and fearful of the future. I just can't stop dwelling on the years I wasted. Its like a curse hanging over me. I just hope it fades.
It appears Traveler and I have wasted a few more years than you have Peter. This does not diminish my empathy and understanding for the way you feel about this. In some other areas of my life, especially when I was just under 40, I had that same, agonizing feeling of having made some big mistakes. But it will fade, because the future is where your attention must turn now. The best thing is that, with each new success as this point is left behind, you will feel like you are building a new past to look back on. Take some small steps, and build some successes in the shorter term. Accept that you feel like the curse is hanging over you. And know that you're not alone in that.
Thanks, I do know that in comparison to many my troubles are classic first world. I'm 37 and epilepsy aside healthy,decent looking(I think!)and have a better life than many. I get that,and I get that I should stop complaining and move on. I just can't seem to escape the cloud that's above me. Faustian1, your last short paragraph above is bringing me some small amount of comfort. It also made me cry a little but not in a bad way,thanks. You helped.
I'm also 47 years old and have spent more years than I care to think about living in a heterosexual marriage. I don't really consider them wasted though. For me, I've been raising kids, being a cub scout leader (Hehe, if Boy Scouts of America only knew how many gay fathers have been cub scout leaders!), :eek: :lol: I've participated in the PTA, little league, soccer, karate, and a whole host of other activities involving family. No, not wasted. Just different. I'm more inclined in general to be optimistic. So, I am looking forward to my new life as an out gay man. (!)
You are 37, so you have plenty of time to find someone special. I'd suggest trying to forgive yourself for the past 15 years and try to make the most of every day going forward. It sounds like you would benefit from having a therapist to help you work through this, ideally an LGBT therapist if you can find one.
Thanks everyone. I may ask my doctor(she is friendly and knows im gay) about a NHS therapist if I feel any worse.
This! Everybody makes mistakes and has regrets for the path not taken. But our lives are the sum of all our experiences, good and bad, and harboring regrets is just pissing in the wind. Gay men are far too hard on themselves, whereas they often are the first to empathize with others for their mistakes. As Siena says, work on forgiving yourself — you are a good person — and then move on.
Each of us does exactly what we're capable of at each moment of this life. You didn't face and embrace that you were gay earlier in life because you *could not*. We are all limited individuals...every one of us. There are some things we just cannot do...yet. And when we finally can, the 20/20 hindsight will *always* make you say "oh man, I should have done that *years* ago...but it's a false accusation...because you couldn't do it earlier...or you certainly would have! Similarly, you weren't able to get clean until recently. But eventually you grew to the point where you could. Love that fact...love and appreciate the growth that has brought you to this point, because it's pretty amazing: you have overcome some serious limitations. But it was the Path that brought you to this impressive place! Don't denigrate the Path that brought you here...it was a necessary part of getting you here! You did not waste your life...you *lived* your life, in the best way you were capable of doing at each given time. Nobody wastes their life...they accumulate experiences that help them to move forward...maybe not in the "forward direction" they initially expected or wanted to go...but "forward" in the direction the Universe needed you to go. Past-you had it hard enough...don't judge the hell out of him further. Instead, work on embracing Now-you, and living this life as well as you're capable of doing now, so that you don't look back 10-20 years from now and lament that you weren't gentler with yourself. Hugs and best wishes!
