Where do I fit in once I do come out??

Gigi76

I would guess that most of us feel this way to some extent.

My situation is different in that I am bisexual and plan on staying married. But, once I came out, I was desperate to start meeting other LGBT friends even though I have gay family members.

I started by going to a gay pride event to just see if it fit. I also really needed to start to have some intimacy with other men. So, I did get on the apps and started meeting guys. I have done some fooling around; but, I have, more importantly, made a number of friends and have started networking. I have been out, to my wife, about 4 months now. I probably have ten contacts in the gay community that I can just chat with when I need it.

I think it depends on where you live. My town is small and has no formal gay community. Some larger cities have lots of places to meet other gay guys. One of the larger towns a few hours away has a hiking group with a hundred members. Check out "meet up" to find a list of gay friendly, or gay only groups. There may be an activity that you enjoy that could have a meet up near you.

It is essential that you meet other gay men for support. Not just the hookup scene which can be VERY strange if you are not careful.

If you plan on staying married, there are support groups available on-line that can be very helpful to gay men in mixed orientation marriages (MOM).

Best of luck coming out to your wife. It is a difficult, yet essential, thing you will need to do to be authentic.

 

Gigi...I am right bang at that point now.
The interwebs are your friend!

I am researching support groups, places, hangouts, clubs etc each evening when I am online.

This forum has been amazing, for confidence, for info, for helping me realise I AM NOT CRAZY!!!

My plan is.... to have a significant time on my own. No dating, nothing. Just me. (I will have the kids with me)
To enjoy my single-ness and breath a little.
I can then be honest and open when talking to people either personally or in any lbgt+ organisation, without the fear of being outed, like I have now.

I am hoping to find some friends through contact I have with support groups etc.....and I think it may be a case that you notice your surroundings more when you are looking for specific things. (I have noticed two gay people on one of my mummy-friends' fb this evening which I was oblivious to before)

And again...keep posting n here
Good luck hun x

 

You may want to look for support groups for married gay men / dads and/or LGBT meetups as ways of engaging with the LGBT community.

PS - This blog post may help you prepare to come out to your wife - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/13373-preparing-come-out-your-spouse-gay.html

 

This was me to a large extent. After being married for 20 years, much of it strained and tense, I was actually looking forward to being alone, whenever it actually happened (I had expected to live with my ex-wife for several years after I came out to her, although that's not exactly the way it happened).

We're all different, and for some, jumping right into clubs and organizations is the right thing to do, but it really depends on who you are and where you are comfortable. I've never liked being in groups, and bars and parties really have the opposite effect on me than on others, so sitting in a bar would make me shut down and become overwhelmed. Small groups worked better for me, and I have a couple of support groups that I still go to regularly--not so much because I need the support anymore, which is true of a lot of us there, but because they're good people to be around.

Remember, too, that we all go into the closet for different reasons in the first place, so being closeted sometimes is part of a bigger selection of fears or issues. Coming out is a great opportunity, not so much to reinvent yourself, as to look at who you are, what works and what doesn't, and make a change for the better. In my case, I really didn't have any shame or horror at the thought of being gay, but I also saw it as having more to do with a way of life than an orientation, and that lifestyle didn't seem like something I felt I could really fit into comfortably. Moreover, I came from a very large extended family and wanted to create one of my own, and being gay didn't fit that dream. Had my marriage been a happier thing, I might well have stayed in the closet forever and been perfectly content, although I know I always would have wondered. But sometimes the trip into the closet also involves fear, low self-esteem, repression and other issues that may not be best served by jumping right into a lot of activities. You may need to learn who you are before you can figure out how to proceed. (Or you may be more comfortable jumping right in - but if you take the time to get to understand what makes you tick, you may have an easier time.)

Fortunately there's no rush and you really can think things through before you act. By the time I came out to my wife a little over 3 years ago, I had already told a few co-workers whom she didn't know, and had also joined EC and floated out some thoughts. It was scary and it wasn't a pleasant discussion, but I had reached a point where I felt I was more miserable NOT telling her than actually going through with it. What happened after was messy and still is at times, but I'm a stronger person for it, and I also think I have a healthier relationship with my kids as a result. Breathe, take your time, and think of this as an opportunity to become a stronger, more authentic person. Being gay just means you're a person who feels attracted to the same sex. You're not required to wipe the slate clean and start fresh with a completely different life if you don't want to.

 

I feel exactly like that. I knew I was gay in my early twenties but just had my first serious boyfriend aboiut a year ago. I loved him but we broke up,I'll always be thankfully to him though because for the first time I liked being gay. Over the last few months I've told everyone,my dad last just nine days back. In some ways I was lucky,I didn't get married or have kids. Its just me so that makes it easier.
I do feel better but completely LOST! I don't know what to do next,and I hate myself for the years I've wasted(I was 37 in June). I'm actually really afraid,so your not alone in feeling lost.