Hello, I hope noone mind me posting this. I am wondering whether my husband is a closet gay. The thing is we've been together 10 years but the relationship has little to no intimacy. Sex is quite mechanical when it happens which can be alot. Lately, I have become very very depressed over this and the relationship is straining. I feel jeolous of everyone because of the pain in my heart. I never even get kissed, oral etc. The sex is pants off (excuse my rudeness) and job commences. There is no hand holding etc. He said to me last night that it's because we argue too much etc. The thing is the only time i argue is when i get so frustrated of the lack of affection and hurt. Today i feel guilty because i'm blaming myself for causing and fight and the things i said. Basically, all I want is normal affection but despite practically begging for it it's not forthcoming. Can anyone advise?:icon_sad:
Communication is essential for intimacy. I suggest couples counseling to improve the communication, which will lead to more intimacy, which will lead to better sex. Win win. The longer you wait, the harder this will be.
Plus I forgot to add. I never touch his member and he doesn't like blowjobs. I'm sorry if its too much information it's just i feel like i'm mentally breaking down over it all.
This does not necessarily indicate that he's gay, he could have just lost interest in you specifically. Either way, this sounds like a horrible relationship to be in. If you're not getting your needs met, It's time to speak up.
That is a tough situation...i assume its hard to ask him to the face... I feel awkward typing this, it feels like a may out someone against his will so i am not going to details. But there are ways to see what he is into, besides asking him... If he is gay, with a very cautious if...be gentle with him... It is possibly a big struggle for him as well
None of what you wrote is good enough for an indictment for gayness. :icon_bigg And I'm an expert. I could play your husband's role. Sure, he could be hiding in there, actually gay. You've probably asked him, right? If so, how red did he get? But of course, there are many, many things that can cause the withdrawal you wrote of. How about money? That's a frequent and leading cause of marital discord. When I found out my spouse had accumulated tens of thousands in on-line gambling debt, that surely put an end to my sex life, and with women in general (it's ironic that usually it's the guys who amass this type of debt). So it's ironic that I, the closet gay-leaning guy, was cured of straight sex not by gay porn, but rather by money. You could hook him up to a polygraph, but even those don't work. ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2016 at 10:44 AM ---------- Also, I should have commented that it sounds like this relationship is not good for you, and that you should consider how it might end. You do deserve more of a life than what you describe.
Thanks for all the replies. I should have added the relationship has been this way since the start. I am not an ugly women by any means. I've always kept myself well. Kissing was non existent from the start of the relationship. No foreplay ever, no oral. He doesn't like me to touch his penis or give him oral pleasure. I am at a total loss really.
He could also be asexual, especially since you say it has been this way since the start. It has been going on for 10 years now, and you already came here looking for advice 2 years ago and apparently still in the same boat. You also seem to have tried to talk to him for at least these 2 years, if not longer, and it has lead to nothing but fights. The situation as it is right now is clearly not working for you. I can't honestly imagine going 10 years with little to no actual affection from my partner, so I totally understand that. But something needs to change or this will still be your situation again 2 years from now, like it will be another 10 years from now. Whether he is gay, asexual or doesn't want to share affection for some other reason doesn't really matter at this point. What matters is that you can't change him, no matter how much you want to, so you have to start asking yourself whether or not you can actually live with it. If you can't, it doesn't necessarily have to mean divorce either, there are other options. You could for example talk about opening up the relationship so you could get affection and sex from other men, and he likewise from whatever gender partner he desires, if any. If he doesn't agree to that or it doesn't work for you, and he still refuses to go to couples counseling, you may need to seriously consider whether this is enough for you for the rest of your life. But hopefully you can find a compromise which works for you both.
Thank you happy girl lucky. You are 100% correct. I probably need to detach myself from all of this hurt so i can see thing's clearer. He tells me that noone our age (in our 30s) kiss. I know that couldn't possibly be true but he makes me question my sanity on that. Also no oral sex, either receiving or giving. Sex includes no foreplay whatsoever which doesn't ever seem to change despite me saying how degrading this makes me feel. Every time i bring the subject up it turns into a huge row and i come off the worst.
I believe what he is doing is called "gaslighting." It might be worth your while to look up the term.
If he is gay and closeted, letting him know that you will accept him might help him to come out to you - no guarantee though.
A couple of things occurred to me when I read this. Firstly, is it possible he might have Asperger's Syndrome or some form of OCD? Secondly, do you know whether he has had some sort of negative experience in the past? In both of these cases he might crave a relationship, but have problems when it comes to sex. I know several people on the autism spectrum, and some have problems with the thought of contact with other people's bodily fluids, or even their own. Plus they can be very hypersensitive to matters of touch, smell and taste. If he has had some sort of negative experience, he may feel compelled to either avoid or replicate the experience, due to unresolved emotions.
Thanks Landgirl. I have explored alot of those issues but i'm shut down when i bring them up. Talking about my needs seems to cause arguments. I mean sex has zero foreplay which bothers me. I get no touch, kissing etc. I told him that this bothers me alot and he doesn't seem to be able to comprehend this or worse think i'm being unreasonable.
OK,um. I went through this. I'm 37 now but when I was about to turn 19 I met a girl and went with her till I was nearly 22. I'm gay,I suspected it when we met and pretty much new when we broke up. Sex was mechanical, although we always hugged and held hands. I liked the comfort of being close to her,and I did love her,just not like THAT. We stayed best friends after we broke up and just a few months back when I told her I'm gay she said"I knew,I've known fol a long time" and hugged me. I don't think your husbands gay,not from what you have said at least. Its the lack of affection, if he was gay and wanted to bide it he would probably overcompensate in that area,he would also want to be comforted,being that mixed up and afraid is emotionally draining. You want someone to grab hold of. I do think he might be unhappy though. Sit him down and make him talk. Is there something else you have noticed,something more, that makes you think he's gay?
