Isolation & Realizations

for anyone who doesn't know, I've been dealing with a chronic illness for about a year and a half now. It's getting better. It seems to be, but I never get my hopes up too high. Anyway! I've been pretty isolated for the past few months during my oh so slow healing process, which leads to a lot of thinking time. Though I try not to think too much about my current state, I've had many months of understanding how important it is to live your life the way you want to.

One of the most upsetting things for me, when I was deeply sick and at a point of not knowing if I'd even live much longer, was that I hadn't really lived the way I wanted to, and how wasteful my life felt. I'm in my twenties, so I'm sure that has a little something to do with not experiencing as much as I've wanted to, but I had this deep, devastating regret that I didn't fight harder for my own happiness: go harder for the job I wanted/stayed in a shitty, stressful one too long, wasted my time in a relationship I was unhappy in, or didn't tell my trigger that I loved her - and wasted time being emotionally abused by her because I was too afraid to tell her how I felt and know what the actual situation was between us. Everything that made me unhappy, which were so many things, seemed like the hugest wastes of a life. My life. I guess it's like being on a death bed without actually dying.

My pain level isn't nearly as high as it used to be, which I am so thankful for, but I'm still not 100% well, thus I remain housebound, and it's led to another realization: I let people treat me badly, or at least not great sometimes. I'm not a people pleaser, at least I don't think, but there is something about me that is always a little too nice to people. I can't say that I'm a pushover, because I think I'm pretty bitchy a lot of the time, but I am a nice and understanding person, which has led to me being in many situations where I was giving or dealing with way more than I should have.

Most recently is a friend who I thought was a good friend, but I've come to realize that I've pretty much turned into her therapist, in the sense that I am just spoken at for hours and don't get to speak at her. When I do, she literally stops listening to me. I feel like a wall, and it's become emotionally draining. This person calls me, usually with a problem and wanting to bounce ideas off of me, and when it's my turn to speak about myself, I get a, "...yeah." And that's about it.

Then I went back into my history of friends, and not all the time, but I've repeatedly been in situations where I'm giving and not receiving equal amounts, but still stuck around a little too long. I'm pretty done with it. I truly don't feel like life repays us in someway to be walked on by people, or give up our happiness in someway so that someone else can feel good, or because we don't want to lose that person when they're fulfilling a need that can be met by someone else just as well who won't abuse their privilege.

I don't even really know what this post is about, but I know many people in the world suffer from being a little too nice sometimes, and as someone who has had way too much time to realize how important life and happiness are (it's really hard to truly dig into this stuff when you're busy living), do yourself a favor and live the life that makes you feel good. I'm sure there will always be ups and downs, but let's make sure it's more up than down.

I'm doing this by cleaning up my friend list in real life, being much more honest about my feelings if I think a situation isn't fair, and distancing myself from people who make me unhappy in anyway/are emotionally draining - especially if they're not a main staple in my life.

That is all.