Many of you know my story up to this point. Recap: I'm a 47 year old gay male, married to my wife for 20 years, have 2 kids ages 16 & 12. I came out to my wife in June and basically to everyone over the last month. My coming out turned out really well considering, and I was not rejected by anyone. Before and during my coming out process, I believed very strongly that I needed to be out of the house and divorced fairly quickly. Before two days ago, I was really thinking that I would move out mid-November, just based upon timing of events going on in our lives in October and early November. Here was my thinking: I know that part of my reason to come out was my extremely strong desire to stop hiding myself anymore. I've had enough of the closet and just refuse to be there any longer. Once I truly accepted myself as gay, I felt totally comfortable with the idea that everyone who knows me and is a part of my life will know that I'm gay. I want to live the rest of my life as an open and out gay man. But that's only part of the reason. The other reason is simply that I want, and need, sex and intimacy with a man. I have suppressed my homosexuality for almost 37 years, and I have a deep longing to have what I have only fantasized about for so long. I had sex with multiple men before marrying my wife, so I actually do know what I'm missing now. The combination of my desire to live openly as gay coupled with my strong desire to have a sexual life again left me with the conclusion that I needed to get on with it and the sooner the better for me. After I first joined EC, a few people suggested that I might consider staying married for some period of time and work on meeting people and developing a circle of gay friends. Like many here, I've basically shunned the LGBT world in my attempts to stay closeted all those years. I basically rejected the idea of beginning to meet people while still married for fear that I would have difficulty in meeting many gay guys and not be able to satisfy my sexual longings. It seemed wrong to me to be faithful to my wife all these 20 years only to be unfaithful in the final stretch. You see, my fidelity to my wife is really one of the only sources of pride I have left in this whole mess (with the obvious exception of my pride for my kids). Maybe it's not important anymore, but it sure seemed important to me. My wife and I have been discussing all of our pending issues, such as divorce, financial issues, separation, the kids, etc. We have some debt accumulated between us, mostly credit card debt. It's not an insurmountable amount of money as we both earn a good living, but when you combine affording a second household for me and paying off our debt, it will certainly put a major crimp on our ability to move forward. This last weekend, however, she surprised me, and I was so not expecting that. She suggested that we stay married for a while longer so that we can pay down some of our debt and get into a better financial position for when we separate. She said she understands my need to explore myself with the gay community and meet and date men. We talked about the issues that might come up with that, and she thinks she'll be fine with me doing that. She only asked that I not bring men to our house, which, of course, I don't want either. It never even occurred to me that my wife would be ok with this - an open marriage - at least for a while. I'm sort of torn here. I think it would be helpful to us financially, and I do like the idea of giving my kids a bit longer to deal with me coming out and beginning to date while I'm still living with them full time. But I'm also concerned about the potential that she could begin to resent me going out while she's still at home with the kids. She has said, more than once, that she isn't anywhere near ready to begin thinking about dating again. Which is totally understandable to me. I am ready, however. We haven't decided upon a time frame, but it could be maybe another 6 months to a year. Ok, I think that's it. Anyone have thoughts here? tl/dr: My wife is suggesting I stay married for a while longer to her to pay off debt and says she's ok with an open marriage until the end. Thoughts?
Oh man...I am speechless! Given your luck, I think you should buy a lottery ticket this instant! You are blessed with a very wise woman in your life, count and name each and every one of your lucky stars. All I can say is that this will make both of your lives infinitely easier! Do whatever it is you have to do to make the separation as pain-free as possible, but be aware, despite your good fortune, that this is still potentially a messy process, you can't predict the unpredictable, nevertheless, with frank and open discussion with her, you are well on your way to a better future for all of you!
If you are both comfortable with an open marriage, then why not.. I would like to stay with my husband for a while longer, but explore my gay side as well. Right now he says he wants me to explore that side and come out to whoever whenever. What happens inside our house is our business and as long as we are on the same page with everything, we´re fine. I´m not doing anything right now because I just came out to him a few days ago, but one day. Do what makes you happy and you are both fine with. Keep talking together and when you get uncomfortable with the situations, it´s time to make a change.
Iamgay47 Good for both of you that you can work through this. Hopefully, the financial advantages will reduce some of the stress for both of you. My case is a lot different. But, one thing I do is be sure that my extracurricular activities are balanced with other things I try to do. I increased my participation in lots of other areas of the partnership side of the marriage. These include more of the cooking, household cleaning, run special errands and so on. She gets something out of me being out with the guys. Maybe this arrangement would allow you to relieve some of her responsibilities so resentment of your going out is not that big of a problem. I would consider having some sort of special "play" account. Dating is expensive and being out on the town will cost a lot. There may need to be some sort of equality required for this if your finances are intertwined. And, you don't want your wife knowing what you spend on your boyfriends. That is the ONE thing my wife doesn't like about me "dating" and we have separate finances. She won't ask what I did with a guy; but wants to know where we had dinner! Then there is the obvious problem with the guys you are dating thinking you may not be completely available. This may work to your advantage if you are looking for just sex...or at least it has been for me. But, it may not be the sorts of relationship you are looking for. It will take a bit of explaining...and reassurance to the men you meet. Best of luck
WOW....what a great woman she is. I hope you manage to work out some way of making it work, so you can both start your new lives with minimal debt. And it'll be a better outcome for the kids, like you say. I'm so glad you have the outcome you do. You deserve it x
Reading your story before on how you've quite quickly come out to your wife, family and made plans for separation made quite an impression on me. It made me feel a bit uneasy like I could never make all that happen so fast. For me it will be impossible to have two households right away so I think its great as long as you are communicating honestly why you are sitting tight for now and you and she have the same expectations and patience regarding you meeting men etc. If its all up and up and honest it sounds plausible and great way to ease into a new life. If she can truly support your new life and allow you to explore without resentment she truly is an amazing woman. I have a couple of friends who are doing it just as you say you're doing and its worked for them so far so go for it. Good luck.
Thanks everyone for your responses. greatwhale: I am blessed and I do know it. Nick: Yes, I do have some concerns about relationships with guys and that I'll be unavailable for that for a while. My plan is to build friendships, mostly by joining groups and activities. There are some meetup groups here, so I'll be looking into those. In addition, the University of Nevada is here and has a community-wide GSA group (not just students). And of course, there's a few gay bars in town and I'll check those out as well. I already have a couple of gay friends, so I will also build from there. On the sexual side, well, I'm a pretty extroverted person, so I think I should be able to manage fulfilling my more urgent needs with too much difficulty. I don't think I want to close a marriage of 20 years and get right into a relationship anyway, so being casual for now sounds good to me. Thanks for the "play account" suggestion. OTH: I gave that some thought as well. I honestly don't know. I think the truth of your thought will either be revealed or not by how she responds over the next month or so as I begin exploring. If her suggestion is only a way to keep me here, a bargaining stage I guess, then I would imagine she'll have difficulty accepting me going out and having sex with men while still living with her and sleeping in the same bed at night. If I see that she isn't as ok with it as she said, or as she thought she would be, then really I'm no worse off than I was when I thought I would move out soon. I can still do that if I need to. Traveler: I know, it seems like it's happening so fast sometimes. But also realize that my journey actually began two years ago. I didn't know about EC then, otherwise I would have included you all in my struggle to come out. I actually went through that struggle for two years completely by myself and talked to no one during that time. It's still amazing to me that somehow I got through it and did in fact come out. I joined EC just after coming out to my wife. That was three months ago today.
I'd suggest that you think very carefully about what you want from your life and this situation. Is your goal to ultimately separate with this being a transitional period? If so, you might want to make sure that you set a schedule to pay down the debts. Or might you consider making this a more permanent arrangement? Or will you decide after you try this out? Do you have separate bedrooms? If not, I would suggest that you consider it.
Thanks Sienna. I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. If I do decide to stay longer than I originally thought, I would consider it to be completely transitional. Having separate bedrooms is not an option for me, unfortunately. I don't want to make the kids double up and we only have 3 bedrooms.
To reduce her becoming resentful, could you extend her the same courtesy of openness that she is giving you? Openness seems to work best when there is balance in the agreement, though it is not common for both partners to be equally lucky in love at the same time.
Even if she isn't ready to date (and I am sure she likely isn't), you ought to plan to give her extra help with the kids, houeswork, etc and make a real effort to still be as available as a parent as you have been. If you are normally there to help with homework, for example, you might want to be careful not to suddenly dump all that on her. That is where the resentment might start to fester...
Katchoo: Yes, absolutely! I will be thrilled when she will need me to take the kids so she can have a fun weekend - with or without a guy. She is a mentally strong woman, and very pragmatic, and I know it will take her some time before she's ready to date. But she will I believe. amonwhoknows: yeah, I'm the homework helper. I'm better at it. LOL she asked me last week to show her how to clear the bathtub drain of hair for when I won't be here.
