I'm not sure where to start. I'm a 35 year old woman, I have 2 children (12 and 14). I've never been sexually attracted to men.. or turned on by them in any way, with the exception of after having been with them a while... I could eventually become attracted to them as a person, and I could somewhat enjoy sex, but it was never anything special or awesome.. I never enjoyed their bodies. I just kind of assumed it was normal and most people were like that. I never found myself sexually attracted to women either.. though I did sleep with a couple before having kids and dated one woman. That said, I've always found myself 'checking out' other women... my eyes finding their way to their breasts etc. Which made me uncomfortable and again I assumed it was just normal. My ex (male) and I would watch porn together on occasion, I always had my eyes on the women.. aroused by them not the men.. this is a hindsight realization, and at the time I figured that was typical as well. So fast forward to January of this year.. I started questioning whether I may be Bisexual or not.. because I started to become more aware of how uninterested and not attracted I am to men but women definitely caught my eye. I didn't think too much about it, it brought about uneasy feelings.. so I just kind of forgot about it. About a month ago it felt like this door just swung wide open and I found myself sexually attracted to women, and sans uneasy feelings. I start to reflect on the things I mentioned above... often finding my eyes checking out other women, but not feeling overtly sexually attracted but definitely liking what I saw. My lack of ever being sexually attracted to men, plus more. It seemed to all make sense... so suddenly.. that I'm gay and have been all along. How seemingly fast it seemed to click just feels a little weird to me though, but I feel confident, and now comfortable in the fact I'm gay and likely always have been, but have just been supressing it for whatever reason(s). Has anyone else come to this realization later in life? How normal or abnormal is this? I still feel a little confused as to why.. what feels like this door in my head swung open so suddenly.. after all these years. I hate to say this and please don't think I'm a horrible person because of it, but I've always had a stereotype of what a gay man or woman is like, in my head and I don't fit that criteria. Of course I realize now that the ideas and stereotypes in my head are totally false. I grew up with no exposure to the gay community and it's not something that was ever talked about. As an adult I've paid it no attention either, and again, please don't think I'm horrible, but I always felt unexplainable negative and uncomfortable feelings towards gay people and the gay community. Which was odd to me.. because I honestly have never had any conscious feelings on way or the other. I wonder now if that could have been due to me subconsciously suppressing things. Thanks for reading. It's nice to get this off my chest.
Oh, this sounds a lot like me. I did know I had crushes on women and such through the years, and that I found women attractive, but never really thought of them sexually. I didn't like men, and only tolerated a few. After getting close to them I could enjoy them and sex with them, but it didn't come naturally. After getting divorced from my husband of 10 years, I barely dated, couldn't find any man I was interested in, and even though I claimed to be bi, and had messed around with some girls when I was in high school, I never considered dating them. Until this year. I was around a lesbian at work on a regular basis. Seeing her happy made me think, "I like women, why haven't I dated one?" Then, I dated a woman and the flood gates flew open, and the realisation that I've been a lesbian in a heteronormative life hit me like a ton of bricks. I started coming out 6 months ago. Everyone is very accepting of me, and I have an amazing girlfriend now.
Thank you for your reply, it's nice to see someone has experienced something so similar. I am out to no one. I'm not even sure how to handle that. I've been separated from my ex for, oh jeez 7 years now, and while I dated 2 men from about a month each about 6 years ago, I've not dated or had any interest in dating men. Which is difficult with my mom trying to constantly set me up with "handsome" men my age lol Whenever I talked about work things and it involves a guy, she asks "Is he single?"... now I just careful not to mention any work or social related interaction with men to her. She said to me a few months ago how she's worried I don't date or even try to date, and that I'll end up alone... to which I just reply "I'm totally fine being alone. I don't need anyone just for the sake of not being alone.". I know none of my friends will have any issues with my orientation, two of them are gay themselves.. which I had forgotten until today, both childhood friends. I'm still pretty uncomfortable with the idea of coming out, even though I'm comfortable with being gay. I haven't realized it for long consciously, so hopefully in due time I'll be ready and comfortable coming out. Thanks again for sharing your story.
As soon as I fell for a woman, I realized I had to come out. I wanted to talk about her the same way I talked about the men I was with in the past. So, I dove in. I told a close friend first, then a coworker that I knew had a best friend that's lesbian, then my kids. Coming out was a natural progression for me. Not a formal announcement to most, just talking about who I was dating the same as I had before. When people asked, I answered honestly. It was hard at times, but now it's easy, and natural.
How old are your kids, if you don't mind me asking? I'm worried the most about telling my two (12 and 14).. when it's time. How did your kids handle it?
I was told by many that my kids would probably be fine with the gay part but have a harder time with the divorce/separation part. That's exactly what happened. My boys are 16 & 12.
Mine are 12, 9, and 7. They were fine with the lesbian thing, and have been over the divorce for quite some time. It helps their dad and I have a good coparenting relationship and they have a good step mom. They even like my girlfriend. So, it's really good.
OP: I meant to also answer your question. Yes, it's normal. It's not my experience exactly, although I did recognize the feelings you shared about not identifying with the stereotypical "image" of gay helped you to deny your feelings. I completely relate to that. My experience differs in that I was aware of my gay attractions all along. I just didn't accept them as real or meaningful to my life. I simply suppressed them whenever they surfaced. It seems you can only do that for so long.
I'm coming to believe that this is far more common than anyone is willing to admit. I wanted to address your guilt at not feeling like you could be gay because you "don't fit the stereotype." This is something you'll work through on your own, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone there. We've grown up in a time where homophobia is rampant and accepted, and there's generally a sense in society that gay people are "other." Their love is other, their look is other, their behavior is other. It's no wonder that we didn't see ourselves in that narrow light, even when there were hints of alignment all along. Looking back, I realize how much I swung the pendulum in the opposite direction anytime I was called out for stereotypical behavior... Friend "breaks up" with me because I'm too possessive? Get a highly visible male crush! Someone makes fun of my clothing? Wear heavier makeup for a week! Too into science? Go out for cheerleading! We are so good at hiding from ourselves, we've had a lifetime of practice.
I'm 35 as well. In my second marriage and recently concluded that while I have identified as bi for so long (and everyone knows that part) I am actually gay. I have three children ages 10 (from first marriage), 6 & 4 (from second marriage). I talked to my eldest because he can see we are having a hard time so I gave him the nutshell version and he took it well. He is concerned that we may get divorced and I was honest with him that we are trying to what's best for us and for them. I'm so conflicted. Part of me wants the chance to be happy and part of me wonders if I'm happy enough. We have a nice enough life and it will get better from a financial/practical standpoint but the fact that I'm gay will never change and I worry that will put too great a strain on our marriage. Is it pointless to stay married at this point? I want to be with a woman but at what cost? It's scary to think of starting all over and doing it alone but I don't want to make the choice to stay out of fear. We are supposed to start couples counseling in early October if we make it that long. He already has separation papers ready to start drafting it. :/
This, right here. It stood out to me. I'm not truly happy. Sure my life has been nice enough. Is that it then? Just nice enough? We have only one life to live. How much more if it can I waste in unhappiness? Children have gone though divorce and separation and end up fine and well adjusted men and women (or whatever gender suits them) if the parents can work together to continue to raise them with love. Remember, you, your husband, and your kids are a family. You will always be a family, even when you are no longer living with them all the time. You are not breaking up your family. You are ending a marriage that no longer works. You will still be a family. I think that distinction is important.
Thank you for all the replies. I've told a couple of friends that I'm gay, that's about all I can handle right now. I've though more about when and how I'll tell my kids one day, and just can't see myself ever telling them. I feel like it would be a disappointment to them.. and at their ages they have enough to worry about. Perhaps once they're both through Highschool, I'll tell them. ---------- Post added 24th Sep 2016 at 02:41 AM ---------- Divorce is scary for kids. I worried my parents would divorce when I was a kid, after my friends parents divorced... it was a terrifying thought.. turned reality. My parents divorced when I was 9... it was tough, but honestly.. my mom was happier and then so were my sibling and I. It wasn't as bad as I had made it out in my head. Kids are resilient. It has to be hard.. being married and discovering you're gay. I'm glad I didn't figure it out until after my Divorce.. which would have happened regardless of anything (he's diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and life was hell with him). You need to be happy too, we only live once.
