I lack clarity when it comes to my same-sex pursuits. With women, even in friendships, I have trouble seeing things clearly; not so with men. With women, I ignore red flags and proceed anyway, giving way too many chances to have my boundaries stepped on. I've had two ladies in my life who have been "more than friends" and a few others that didn't go anywhere and looking back, I can def see where there were...caution signs. Or things that were confusing to me. My question is, how would you have reacted. I know these are mundane questions, but this is how I learn. EXAMPLE 1 You and the person you are talking to have been talking very heavily for about 4-5 days. You speak at the same time every night. On a Wednesday, out of the blue, you get a text that says, "Well have a great weekend." Does this confuse you (as you have been talking routinely for the past few days)? How would YOU react? The end result here is that I rush to fix the situation and call this woman. It ends up being that she wasn't happy that I didn't text her that day. She tells me, "When you care about someone, you text them." When I tell her that the last woman didn't want a lot of contact and I'm not used to so much contact (but that I'm really trying) she tells me, "Sorry that sucks for you, but what has that got to do with me?" EXAMPLE 2 You've been on a date with a person and gotten physical, but this is other person is hot-and-cold. They talk about a future with you, then don't want you to get your expectations too high. When you arrange to see them again, you say that you're looking forward to kissing them. They deflect any advances like that (during that span of text exchanges), multiple times. Mind you, we had phone sex that day and she was talking about envisioning what it would be like to meet her friends and family. At this point, I react to this by saying "LOL, I don't think you know what you want." They reply by saying they don't know where this is coming from, I'm getting too in my head and just let things flow. When I don't respond (I'm on the phone w/a friend), I get a text about 30 minutes later that just says, "I like you." Still on the phone w/my friend, I get another text saying, "Okay then. Goodnight." Was I expecting too much by asking for a kiss? Was I too in my head? EXAMPLE 3 On another date with another woman, she tells me, "I look forward to seeing you today." I reply, "I look forward to seeing you as well." Her next reply is, "Are you being standoffish now?" I'm confused. I literally said the same thing she did. Did I say something wrong? EXAMPLE 4 On one day, I had gotten into a big argument with my husband. A woman and I had plans the following day that were firm. No talk around rescheduling. When I tell her that I'm excited to see her the next day, she says, "Oh. You're still coming out?" It kinda took me aback and I said, "Of course; it doesn't sound like you really want me to, though." She told me I was too emotional from the fight w/my husband and was reading too much into things. Okay. The following day, she rescheduled due to car troubles. So was I too emotional or did I read it correctly the first time? Sorry guys, I know all this sounds silly, but it's how I learn and watch for clues next time. If you can give your take on any of these, that would be great!
Example 1: After the text message I would have reacted like you, and tried to find out what the passive-aggressive appearing message is about. After her reply to you explaining why you hadn't contacted her (which, by the way, you were under no obligation to do nor had you even agreed to text every day), I would have pretty much just sat there with my jaw on the floor unable to even reply. I know some people are self-centered, but this? She needs some sort of award! Result: I run away as fast as I can and hope she isn't as crazy as she seems to be and decides to start stalking me or something. I am assuming you haven't known each other for years here, but recently met. If it was a random anomaly with someone I know, things would of course be very different. Example 2: Not enough information about the situation to know exactly what is going on. I would not have messaged like you did about her not knowing what she wants, as there is no way she would not take that as an attack on her as a person which would just start a fight. A better one would be to actually open up an honest discussion about it without accusations. However, since I actually know the situation from your previous posts I will go with that. The approach I suggested would probably not have worked as she did not exactly sound like the type of person who enjoys honest, open, calm discussions about your relationship. That alone would be enough for me to, again, run. But then again I am not looking for a wild, crazy ride, I am looking for a stable long-term relationship. So that makes all the difference. If you are just looking for a hook-up, I suggest you keep them at a further emotional distance so they can't hurt you. Example 3: "What?! Run!!" - Again this only applies if we hadn't known each other for a little longer, if we had been friends for 6 months or longer and this was the first time she acted strange, I would have tried to find out what was wrong and if I can help her. But since it was early on, it just screams emotional immaturity. Example 4: You don't sound too emotional, I would be disappointed too if someone I was really excited to see and who I had expected to feel the same acted all "oh, OK, I guess you will be there". So no, you don't sound too emotional, but she does sound like an a**hole. ---- Here's something to keep in mind: people who like to blame you for everything that goes wrong and use phrases like "you are just too emotional", anything which is clearly designed to take all the blame off them and put it all on you with the bonus of insinuating that you are the crazy or unstable one are not good people. Really watch out for things like "you are too emotional", as it is designed exactly so you can't respond to it. The only thing you can do is agree, anything else and they will use your reaction against you to show that you are indeed "being too emotional". This is a manipulation tactic, not genuine concern for your well-being. If that red flag goes up early on, just get away from that person! You will have an awful time with them, I can guarantee that. No person is perfect, we all make mistakes, but the mature thing to do is to acknowledge and apologize when necessary and try to improve from the mistake so it doesn't happen again. If you can find someone who consistently does this, chances are you will be able to communicate well no matter what, and that is what builds a strong foundation for a relationship. This goes for friends too, not just romantic relationships.
Well if I were in your shoes I would have reacted that way... Example 1: Run for the hills. Talking to someone should be a pleasure not some sort of chore/obligation in order to not upset the other person. Talking daily to someone can be exhausting and may well take a bit of the "magic" away after a while. if a person becomes upset at me for not texting her constantely and for not responding within 5 minutes to all her texts, then she has no understanding of what my life involve (lots of work) and we aren't made for each other. I understand how upsetting it can be to be waiting for someone to reply to a text but really. That girl had obviously no consideration for you and was incredibly self-centered so I would say you are well rid. Example 2 : This person definitely seemed confused and I probably would have been as upset as you by her behaviour as it kind of look like she was leading you on. You have mentioned you have an husband though, I am not sure what the deal is here and if everyone knows about each other and is okay with it but could the husband be a part of the problem? I would say I would probably not become involved with a married woman but if I was, I probably would have a hard time projecting myself long term with her as long as she is married (as much as I would like to), so maybe she was on the fence partly because of this? Regardless I think a discussion was need and it would have been nice if that woman had had the guts to tell you what was blocking her instead of playing the "push and pull" game. Example 3 : Hum, I am not sure what I would do. I would probably send her a quesion mark asking her how me saying "I am looking forward to seeing her as well" is me being standoffish and would probably ignore her from then on and cancel any plans I had with her. Though maybe she was simply expecting a bit more excitement in your reply (I don't know), regardless of her expectations she seems like a woman who likes drama and would pick a fight for the sake of it. On a side note, I used to pick up fight with guys I was supposed to go on a date very soon with when I didn't actually want to go on said date or when I was trying to find a (pity) excuse not to go on said date (as I was either too nervous or not interested enough) so maybe that's what happened there. Example 4: I kind of don't agree with HappyGirlLucky ( for once!), it's very possible that she indeed wasn't all that into seeing you after all (in that case her loss!) or it's possible that she thought you would want to spend the next day patching things up with your husband or something. Is this woman a simple friend or are you actually dating/sexually involved with that woman? If you are seeing her as more than a friend, it's possible she thought you were mentionning the fight with your husband (as she obviously knew about it) as an indirect way to later explain why you would not be able to make it the next day. It's possible what I would think. Like I said, I have never been involved with a married woman so I am not really sure how much you being married impact on your relationship with these women. But regardless of you being married or not, most of these women seemed like drama llama and trouble altogether, so I don't think you have lost anything by stopping contact with them. I also agree with HappyGirlLucky that people telling you "you are too emotionnal" all the time could be a way to control you but some women can be a bit clouded by their emotions and see offense where there is none. I think it all depends on the frequence a certain person use that excuse to undermine you. In example 4 though, I think it is likely you have read too much into what that woman was saying. I often receive and send ( ! ) messages alongs the line of "Oh, you are still coming then?" from and to friends and it's often because we had planned the event quite some time before and it hadn't been mentionned in a while so one of us would assume it wasn't up anymore. A simple " Yeah, are you still up for it?" Often solved everything. If I was being passive agressive (like you were in this case) and told my friends " Of course but it doesn't seem like you want me there." They probably would have taken offense for me misjudging them (and replied with the same thing that woman said to you) and would probably have put some distance in between us from then on. Next time, if something like this arise, I would advise you to simply tell the person that "Yes, if the person is still up for it, you would like to keep up with the plans." it's unlikely the person would tell you she would rather do something else tbh. Hopefully you get more luck with the next women you meet OP (*hug*)
Hey! I take offense at that! :icon_wink No I actually agree with a lot of what Linning said here about her reactions. My own reactions were actually quite clouded in this case and I was biased against the women in question because they had treated you very poorly from reading your previous posts about them. So that automatically set their tone in my mind as manipulative and negative, while like Linning shows, there are lots of other ways to interpret each situation. I guess I was just being too emotional. :lol: Edit: I just realized this post might look as if I thought you were talking about me in this quote, Linning, I didn't think that. Just reading your post made me realize how I would interpret everything very differently if I hadn't followed caliwoman's misadventures with these women from the start.
Lol @ my misadventures. Thank you guys, so much!! You really help me to see another point of view! And it means a lot that you take ur time to answer. I soooooooo appreciate it. #3 and #4 are linked to the same event and the same woman. #4 happened first, then #3 the following day. Perhaps she was trying to get out of the date? Which is what I felt like she was doing and looking for reasons? Hmmm. I've since stopped talking to her. And my misadventures continue. Thanks guys!!!! I really appreciate it!!!
Rather than analyzing each individual interaction, it may be better to analyze the whole picture... There seems to be a list of communication failures. I'm not sure whose end it's on. Maybe the best idea is to make sure everything is clear on a regular basis. Dating a woman while still married to your husband is likely a big factor in all of it. If the woman is okay with you being married, she's likely not looking for commitment, so more distand from the start. And if it's not conveyed, it could lead to problems later. Making sure your expectations and hers are the same is likely where you need to go. Also, watch the texting, the lack of emotional tone in it can misconstrue a lot.
