defeated

I hope that today is a better one for you.

Please seek help, call a hotline if you do not have a therapist. This isn't a struggle that anyone should face alone.

I wish you all the best.

 

(&&&)

Taxodium, big hugs. I just want to say I think that people can surprise you, with mental health issues and anything else she may be dealing with, she may be stronger than you think dealing with a huge change in her life. You are more than certainly killing your soul continuing down this path, please consider that.

Have you considered a long separation that allows you to help your wife adjust in the time she needs?

Please take care of yourself, friend.

 

Sorry it's so rough! I consider my own life to be really difficult and complicated, but those of you that have married and have families, you've got so much more to contend with. It's not impossible but I don't know how you manage. I wish you peace, friend!

 

TAXODIUM,

I would rather say better ALIVE AND GAY. The future holds unknown possibilities (and if you ready my signature line below, you see my philosophy). Dead is an end of all possible futures. What do you have to lose if you drive on and move forward? Life, by definition, is about change - whether it's respiration, new experiences, or just the simple joy of a new day's sunset. Death is the end of all change. A finality. We are all mortal, so we all have to face death in the longrun. I've faced death in multiple ways in my life, to include in warzones around the world, but I never intentionally put my life unnecessarily in danger (from my point of view). We all have DEMONS that we live with and that haunt our very souls. The key to living a relatively comfortable life, IMO, is accepting those demons, damning them to their own hell and living our lives looking for and embracing all of the positives that we can see.

 

Hey man, sorry to hear that you are suffering like this.

I know you don't feel like you can make a change in terms of your family situation. But there's nothing stopping you from making a plan. You can decide whether or not to execute it later.

Maybe thinking through how you might actually leave -- really looking at the financial and logistical specifics -- will give your mind a project to work on. Obviously your wife's emotional well-being is the biggest challenge, so maybe save that part for last.

I'm a planner by nature, even though I know nothing ever goes exactly according to plan. I find that it makes me feel more in control of the situation, after I've thought things all the way through and considered whatever contingencies I can imagine at the time. It starts to seem real and doable.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Good luck and keep posting.

 

Please don't take your own life, it scares me now that I almost did. Find some one professional to speak with. Please!

---------- Post added 1st Oct 2016 at 01:01 AM ----------

you are NOT alone!

 

I can relate. I almost took my own life last year, as well.

Get a therapist, preferably a gay one who really, really understands. My therapist is amazing. Of course, money can be an issue sometimes. I almost gave up my search for a good therapist, on several occasions, but then I found the right person. I had gone to the LGBT community center a couple of hours away from me, and the person who became my therapist was leading a grief support group there.

Try to look for a similar place, even just for fellowship. It will go a long way to helping you change your life.

Rosa

 

Hey Taxodium

I'm sorry you are having another rough time here. I know how much you care for your wife and are worried about how your sexuality affects her.

You write that you are trying hard to be "good". I assume this means trying to keep your sexuality repressed. Then you say you are "empty" as a result of this. How long do you think you can run on empty taking only your wife's needs in consideration? You really can't. Ultimately, you will not have the strength to provide what she needs anyway.

You must start the process of living as a gay man. Little by little perhaps start a dialogue about what you need with your wife. Marriage is two way deal. It is not only your responsibility. Your sexuality was not a choice you made, it is not a disease, it just is what it is and your wife has no choice but to deal with it.

I am not suggesting ripping the bandaid off. I know this doesn't work in your situation. But, your wife may be using her emotional issues to manipulate your behavior. This isn't fair to you and, ultimately, to her because you cannot be what she really needs.

Take care. Dead is not better than gay. Gay is just gay.

 

i wish you could step outside yourself
& see how the walls of the closet
feed your guilt and shame and shoulds
about your wife
& scream better dead than gay

i wish you could step outside yourself
& destroy the walls of the closet
free your guilt and shame and shoulds
about your wife
& scream better gay than dead

i wish you could step outside yourself
& simply walk out of the closet
release your guilt and shame and shoulds
get on with your life
& scream better gay than dead​

 

Gay and gone would hurt her a lot less that gay and dead. I've had a bit too much wine tonight and am having a hard time typing coherent sentences, but I mean this with love. Your a good person who will always look out for her, but there is only so much a person can give without caring for themselves. Have you ever showed her your poetry?