I'm about a month into this major life transition. It's starting to feel good and positive and that there will be solutions to the pragmatic problems of divorce. I've gone from feeling like I'd failed to seeing that our differences in sexuality are just part of what's led us to drift apart over the years. I think counseling has helped, even though I entered into it very skeptical and negative. Today, and the last week or more, I've felt at the top of my game. I've come out to more people and with one exception the response has been something like "so," perhaps something brief and supportive, and then we go on to other topics. The exception as an avowed conservative Christian from Fort Worth who said she was sorry and that' she'd pray for me. We talked at some length, she cried, and then we moved on. We're still friends. I've been pushed, through counseling, to re-examine all my old beliefs, the boxes into which I've stuffed myself for so many years. I've been reading two very good self-help books, "Wishcraft," and "How to Be A Badass." I bought the latter in the airport bookshop before my trip last week. My wife handed me "Wishcraft" earlier. Rather than retreat into one of those boxes (Don't help me, I can do this alone) I've chosen to open up and be receptive to change. This is still a process and I'm feeling my way. But it's far better than the week after I came out to my wife. Have faith, fellow travelers on the road to reinventing identity.
Hi Confused54, thank you so much for sharing this update. I've wondered how you're doing. The last thread you were having a tougher time, so it's great to see a more upbeat change. How is your wife handling it?
Hi Imgay47, thanks for the concern. My wife and I are working through the process. At this point planning to continue in business together, continue sharing our home as roommates, and see where life takes us. We're both rather pragmatic, so we'll figure out how to divorce in a way that is as cheap as possible and fair to both of us. We don't know yet just what that looks like but it's the goal. We visited with our sons and their wives last weekend and had time for good, deep conversations. While they're not keen on the idea of their parents divorcing, they could see that our relationship had lacked a strong emotional connection for quite a while. They're supportive and we'll all continue to be part of each others lives. They understand that this is a process and that things I said three weeks ago aren't necessarily the same today. The difference in our sexuality is only one element of what came apart in our relationship.
Thank you for the encouraging post. I'm on the road to having to tell my spouse the truth about me, so it helps to see that things get better!
333RosyLily, I can't say that the initial stages are easy. It definitely hurts at first, but it does get easier, and better, as time goes on. Good luck!
Confused 54,thanks. I've known I was gay for a very long time but only recently came out. I was 37 in June and felt I had wasted my life. But if you can be upbeat maybe I can too,thanks.
Thank you. That is really comforting to hear. I'm in the tougher beginnings stages. It helps to see good things come of it. Thanks again for sharing, and thank you for wishing me luck! Rosa
I was 54 when I came out last year, and I also have trouble with thinking that I have wasted so much of my life. I desperately want the type of relationship that I denied my self for so long, but having reached the point where I have allowed myself to go ahead, I am finding that nobody wants to travel with me. Coming out has given me a much greater sense of my own self worth, and I wouldn't undo it for anything, but as yet I can't say it has made me happier. Everybody tells me it is early days yet, and that I can't rush things, however much I would like to, that I am too impatient and everything will happen in its own good time, but I worry that it won't. It's hard to shake off the feeling of lack and unfulfillment which has accompanied me throughout my life so far. I am frightened it will be with me for ever.
I get that,you look back at the missed chances,the years of loneliness etc and worry you've just messed up so bad you'll be left alone. I'm scared of that too.
With each person I tell, it gets easier. As my son said, "It's 2016." Most people don't care whether I'm gay or straight. It just doesn't matter. I'm fortunate to have a very supportive and understanding wife. We're beginning the divorce process, trying to keep it as amicable, fair, and cheap as possible. Neither of us see any reason to waste time or money on this. We want to be able to move on with our lives. We've met with an accountant and a lawyer for advice on how to proceed, but will do as much of the paperwork as possible ourselves. I've loaded ****** on my phone and connected with someone. We met for a beer in the big city earlier this week and will meet again Saturday. It's good to have people to talk to about this process. That was one of my issues -- too many secrets that weighed heavily on my mind. In some ways I feel like a kid (a self help book said something like reinventing yourself is like a second adolescence). Anxious, curious, impatient. But I'm old enough (62) to know not to be in a hurry, and to be safe. This whole process feels a bit surreal. Am I really assuming a new gay identity? Yes, but it's going to take some time to feel totally comfortable with it. I kept this part of me suppressed for 40+ years and that can't be undone overnight. I'm liking the positive energy I have right now. Coming out was the right thing to do. Definitely not easy, especially at first. But right.
