So, as I’ve come to realize and acknowledge that I’m likely gay I’m not finding any relief or peace in any of it as it seems some people report. I mostly just feel depressed and have kind of stopped caring about various things. Like for instance I’ve stopped caring somewhat about exercising or my appearance. I realized a substantial part of that was hoping women would find me attractive, and I don’t find myself caring particularly what other men think about me in that way, though I feel like I’m supposed to. When I am out in the world seeing people and interacting I don’t really feel particularly gay. I don’t find myself wanting or interested or compelled by them as people. When I’m at home on my computer (like now) or trying to sleep is when I feel it and feel I know it’s true (or if not fully gay, definitely not straight). And this back and forth keeps me rooted in one place. I find myself still wanting to date women. In my current situation, there are five or six that I see on my daily basis that I notice, feel interest in—I would have used to have said attracted to, but I feel like I don’t even know what that word means anymore. It feels like attraction anyway, right now. If I imagine any of these situations realistically to their conclusion though if they were to actually occur, I see emotional fulfilment with at best mediocre sex? Mediocre at best definitely for her anyway. I don’t really even remember what sex feels like to be honest, and that’s not helping. It’s been probably four years or so since I’ve had an orgasm with another person (it was receiving oral from a woman). This is somewhat compounded by the fact that I fell into the bad habit when I was young of using a hard grip and unvarying routine while masturbating, so I lack some sensitivity down there. When I imagine living as a gay man, it feels mostly like a very narrow and mechanical, almost transactional kind of sexuality without an emotional component. I can’t seem to get past this part, because honestly, even though I definitely care about sex, at this point in my life (I’m 33 next month), I care more about the intimacy/emotional fulfilment part, which I’ve never really felt before in my life. I’ve realized through the course of writing this I’ve gotten a little off track. Basically, I’ve had a tremendously difficult time acknowledging and trying to accept and imagine what life looks like going forward as being gay, and wondering if anyone can relate to this and how they dealt with it.
Are you working with a therapist whom can help guide you as you progress on your journey? Sounds like such an initiative could be beneficial.
I do have one but am considering that maybe I might need to try someone else as well as I continue to go back and forth with this stuff.
I second the therapist. That's important. Mine is helping me a lot. I notice that, for me, a sensation of terror and dread comes up when I think about being in a committed relationship with a woman. Somehow, for me, the idea of being in a mediocre, unsatisfying, yet predictable relationship with a man, is easier for me to deal with than the idea of being in a relationship with a woman, which is something I don't know much, if anything, about. Maybe that's part of what's going on with you? I think I am terrified of experiencing something really fulfilling because I don't know what it will be like. Being in a heterosexual relationship feels easier to me, even though it's not what I want. Hopefully something I've shared resonates. I think therapy is an important component. Just keep going to therapy and keep sharing. You will be able to work through things. I hope that helps, somehow. Rosa
This makes absolute sense, as I feel like the relationships I have had with women just sort of "happened". I think a mix of just really wanting companionship from someone, and the thought of this is what I'm supposed to do, let my mind convince my heart that I loved these women. But I can look back and realize how detached I was within those relationships. Everything felt like I was trying to follow a script and just be what I thought I was supposed to be. I've not been with a guy, but the two most intense crushes I ever had have been on guys. I really want to feel that kind of soul-shaking, wobbly knees, set my heart ablaze kind of love with a guy. Tho admittedly, to be that vulnerable and love someone that deep, the idea scares the hell out of me.
I agree that fear of change can seem overwhelming at times, and that having somebody in your life to be close to, even if they are the opposite sex, can seem more appealing than leaving, which means you risk having nobody at all. I left my husband after coming out last year, and I frequently consider returning to him, but I know it's just the fear of being lonely that is causing this, because during the few times I've been dating someone (which have never led anywhere) these feelings disappear entirely. Going back to my husband would be like settling for second best, and that's not fair on either of us. Maybe if we both reach old age and neither of us have found anyone else, then we might feel that living together in familiar companionship is an attractive proposition, but I'm 55 and haven't reached that point yet. Plus we are naturally inclined as humans to build on what we perceive we are good at, rather than attempt something where we worry there is higher possibility of failure. Overcoming a basic instinct which is common to all of us is not easy, and recognising when it is genuinely the best option, and then acting on that recognition, is very scary. I don't know that I could have done it without the support of my therapist, who I have been seeing for over two years now, and will be seeing for some time yet.
