I moved out from my "wife"s apartment back in May. I finished moving my stuff out last weekend. And took my phone off of her phone plan. We're as separated as can be. I'm now seeing a guy I really like. It's only been two weeks but still. And I'm coming to terms with the truth that I'm gay. My friends won't care that I come out. Most know already anyway. My family will either not care or get over it if they do. The only person I'm scared of hurting, the person who I believe will have the worst reaction, is my I guess now ex. But I have to figure out how to tell her. And I don't even know where to begin.
First off, your making great progress. Second, if I recall, doesn't she really already know, and all you are doing is confirming it at this point?
Essentially, yes. We've been working on being friends the last week or so. I think once I confirm it for her, she may change her mind about our friendship. I know she'd take it especially hard if she knew I was seeing somebody, so I need to tell her I'm gay awhile before telling her I am seeing someone. I also just need to brace myself for the likelihood of her wanting to cut off our friendship as a whole.
I agree with OTH that this is great progress for you personally and that she already knows the pertinent facts. I'm wondering if a conversation is even needed? What would the message be? If there were a conversation, I would take the perspective that you are simply reminding her what she already knows (that you've separated and that you are gay). Keep this as kind and gentle as possible. No need to throw it in her face or tell her about your relationship under the pretense of total / brutal honesty.
I think I need to say something to her because it's not like I've said 100% I'm gay without going back on it a little. This has been the longest stretch of us being broken up and not even trying to reconcile (well over a month now) though in many ways we've been in the process of breaking up for a long time. I think it would hurt her a lot more if in 6 months I was suddenly like hey I have this boyfriend, even if it makes sense since we would have been broken up for a long time by then. That said, I agree that I don't think I need to be brutally honest. I've told her little things that I think might lead to her getting it, like talking about how my therapist is making me really comfortable with myself and helping me realize things about myself. It's hard because she knows, but then she's still wearing her wedding ring. I think that's mostly for show so people at work don't ask questions. She didn't yell at me about me not wearing my ring anymore when she saw me without it earlier this week. So that's progress. But the other stuff, it feels like she won't take well that my truth has to break down her outward appearance to the world either.
It sounds like you need to have a conversation with her to close the loop and let her know that you are gay. My guess is that this will be a difficult conversation for you because you hate being the one to end things. My advice is to push yourself and just have the conversation. Perhaps she'll have a strong reaction, perhaps she'll admit that she knows. Neither one of us can predict the future. Think of how much you want to be with your guy friend, and use that as incentive to bring your life into integrity by closing the chapter of your life with her. Simply get on with it. You'll be a stronger person because you pushed through with it.
