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Feeling lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by lilylivered, Sep 23, 2016.

  1. lilylivered

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    It has taken me over a year to find the courage to post on here (despite constant encouragement from my therapist). I came out to my husband 18 months ago after 20 years of marriage. I started to realise I wasn't straight when I was in my first year at university. In my second year of medical school I developed unbearably strong feelings for a close friend and, having been in a girls' christian boarding school from the age of 10, I believed my feelings were wrong and I felt tremendous shame. I knew no gay people and, being the very early 90s with no internet etc, I didn't educate myself and was too ashamed to seek help. I became so desolate that I dropped out of university and got engaged. Then, a few weeks after my engagement, the friend I was besotted with came out. I was so shocked because I had assumed she was straight and I felt absolutely devastated but I tried to hide it. I went ahead with my wedding plans, knowing deep down that it was a mistake, but I was unable to be honest with myself or anyone else. The night before my wedding I felt paralysed with fear but felt it was too late to do anything about it. The last person I saw as we drove away from our wedding was my recently-out friend. I began crying at that moment and cried every single day of our honeymoon, and it feels like I’ve been sad to the core ever since. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I had given up on medicine, not been honest with myself or my husband and felt I had dug myself into an enormous hole.

    I decided I needed to follow through with the commitment I made when I married my husband, but I was so unhappy and things got worse and worse. I had initially thought it would get easier to be with him, but it got harder and after two decades of marriage I would flinch if he even tried to hug me. I did actually want to come out and did confide in that friend from college 16 years ago but then we didn’t speak about it again until I came out publicly last summer. I have felt so alone for so long. I was very scared and back then I also thought I would never get custody of my three young daughters if people knew the truth...

    Fast forward 15 years and I started to see my younger self in two of my daughters and realised they were gay. I wished I could talk to them but I couldn’t because only one person knew I was gay. When my eldest daughter confided in me and came out as a lesbian at 17, my shame levels soared and this was the catalyst for me to come out. I felt I had not been a good role model for them. One day I told my husband we needed to talk and he just looked at me and said "Are we finally going to have the short hair conversation?" He said he had realised I was gay 20 years earlier when he saw my reaction that day I heard my friend had come out. He said he had never discussed it with me because he believed I had chosen not to be gay and he had also believed he could persuade me otherwise! After I came out publicly my middle daughter also came out as a lesbian. My husband and children have been incredibly supportive (although divorce after 20 years is inevitably stressful for everyone involved).

    The thing is, I have never allowed myself to 'be’ gay and have lived in denial. I completely avoided anything to do with the LGBT community. I felt I needed to punish myself, both for having the feelings I had towards other women and for marrying my husband because I believed he deserved someone who could love him in a way that I found impossible. I have never had an intimate relationship with a woman. 18 months on from coming out I am still utterly terrified and lost. I feel I am now in a no-man's land between the heterosexual world and the LGBT world. When I came out we were living in rural France and when people heard the story (from my husband) I lost many good friends there. My female friends' husbands were uncomfortable and suspicious of me - and I even had one slam their door in my face. I had people tell me that gay people are 'sordid' and 'perverse’. My girls and I had to move home back to the UK.

    For a few weeks after coming out I felt enormous relief and peace, but since then my anxiety has grown and grown. I am so anxious about what to do next, how to meet people and how to deal with my shame. I feel old and yet hideously inexperienced. And I feel so sad and desperately lonely. I have no income (I have been a stay-at-home Mum and my kids were home educated for several years) and I am reliant on my ex-husband so that causes me huge stress. I am ashamed that I married despite knowing I had feelings for other women, shame that I failed to come out despite wanting to, shame that I was too lily-livered to stand up and be proud to be who I am. A few weeks ago I felt I had made such a mess of my life that I became suicidal. My old college friend (who is being very supportive) ended up having to spend the night with me in a hospital and I felt humiliated and pathetic. She and her partner are still the only gay people I know and I find it hard talking to them because I still, after all these years, have feelings for her and she knows that. She says she understands, but I find it all very hard. I know I need to try to accept who I am but I am finding it so hard because I feel I have made too many mistakes in life and that I have left all this way too late. I have a constant knot in my stomach and a constant feeling of terror which I know is unhelpful. I’m absolutely paralysed by my anxiety. My friend keeps trying to reassure me that the gay community is really accepting and welcoming and that I need to stop being so anxious, but I just feel so ashamed of myself - whilst they have been strong and proud I have been a compete coward.

    Sorry this is so long-winded. I just wondered if anyone had felt so anxious after coming out later in life and I’d be grateful if anyone has any suggestions on how to cope - I just feel I don't belong in my old community anymore and I so desperately need to find a place I feel accepted.
     
  2. HappyGirlLucky

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    I don't have any advice to give or anything, but this was such a sad story to read I just feel the urge to give you a huge hug! (*hug*)

    Your friend is right about the gay community being really welcoming and accepting, I think a lot of us who come out later in life beat ourselves up over not coming out sooner. But you will feel better once you get a foot in the community and meet some new people, you will see how many others are or have been in the exact same situation as you. :slight_smile: Also, it must have taken a whole lot of courage to come out to your husband in the first place, so you are anything but a coward!
     
  3. Landgirl

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    My situation is similar to yours, in that I came out after a long marriage, and had a child who came out before I did. I sometimes also feel I have left everything too late, and may never find a girlfriend. However, after a year of separation, I can finally say that I am starting to feel accepted by gay women. As someone who lives relatively close to you (I am in Derbyshire), this is what I have found does and doesn't work for me:

    The first thing I did was join a walking group for gay women. There are groups based in Derby, Sheffield and Nottingham, and I expect there are some closer to you, too. One of the women I met on my very first walk had also come out of a long marriage, although in her case it was because she had already fallen in love with someone, which then didn't work out. She has become a good friend, letting me know when events are taking place that I might like to go to, introducing me to her friends, and inviting me round for tea. As a result, I will be spending my birthday next week going with a group of gay women from the walking group to a ceilidh in Derby, something I would never have imagined this time last year. I used to feel envious of church goers, because they felt a great sense of belonging to a community, something which I had never felt, but now I really feel I have found a community I belong to.

    I have also joined a social group for gay women, also in Derby, and am getting to know some of them too. It was set up last year by a woman who recently moved to the area. I have also noticed that a number of LGBT meetup groups have been started in Staffs/Cheshire/Notts/Leics, and have just joined a couple. Unfortunately they often meet up for activities during the daytime on Saturdays, and I work Saturdays, so I haven't attended any yet.

    I have tried internet dating, without success so far. I have met around 10 women since January, and one has become a very close friend who I see every couple of weeks. Some of the women online have been very hurt in the past and can become very defensive, and some are just downright strange, so I wouldn't recommend it as a way to try and gain acceptance, but as something to maybe try later on if you feel like it.

    I am also finding being old but with no experience is a tricky combination which stops many women from being interested, as they see it as too much of a risk for themselves for them to want to get involved, but there are increasing numbers of women in our situation nowadays, so maybe someone will start a group especially for us. Or maybe we should start one ourselves! In the meantime, try and believe your friend when she says the lesbian community is welcoming, and let her introduce you gently.
     
  4. angeluscrzy

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    I split from my ex-gf (mother of my children) 18 months ago, and I understand completely everything you have written. Her and I were together for 15 years and looking back I can just see now what an empty shell of a person I had been. I had different times, before her, where I desperately wanted to be out.....but I always shuffled back in the closet. I think mainly because I knew I wanted kids and didn't see that as possible if I were gay. Also, I had no friends or social life, and I really didn't know how to even proceed with being "out".
    Anyway, I told her of my sexuality struggles and assured her that they were in check. Funny, I honestly believed that too.
    Now tho, I can see how detached I really felt inside with the relationship. When we had kids, everything was all about the girls. We didn't really exchange Christmas gifts with each other, no "date night" kind of stuff, my focus was simply on doing right by the girls.
    Over the years I just kinda became complacent. I let her make most the decisions simply because I figured it was my job to just make her happy. Doing that just hollows you out over time.
    Anyway, long story short, now she thinks I have lied and led her on still and she blames me for absolutely everything she perceives as wrong in her life. That outlook of hers, and my desire to be out just finally made it where I couldn't take the relationship anymore. Now I work a 68 hour week and strugging my ass off to still be a good provider and offer a stable home life for my girls. They are perfectly fine with me being out. I have always raised my girls to be very open-minded. But yeah, I too have anxieties by the truckload. I have this strong want to meet a nice guy and to build something meaningful, and yet I have no self worth and I think sometimes that I will never have the courage to actually live out these desires.
    The only way I am trying to deal with this really is to focus on the girls still, have a checklist of the things I feel I need to do to make myself "date-able" and just try to chip away at that. I feel as if I have rambled so much and know theres no real advice in this, but just wanted to tell you that I relate so much and wish you good luck with everything.
     
    #4 angeluscrzy, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
  5. lilylivered

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    Thank you so much for your replies - I already feel a hell of a lot more calm. I'm off to London today to see my friends for the first time since I ended up in the hospital. I think if I don't go and see them (I'm feeling really awkward and embarrassed about it all), I never will. I need to start trying not to be so hard on myself and ask for some help I think.... Landgirl, it was so nice to hear directly from someone who has very similar experiences. Before starting to look at posts on here I honestly felt like I must be the only mature married woman going through this (of course, logically I knew that was impossible, but I still felt it!). It's incredibly comforting to feel you are not alone. Thanks for the advice on meeting people. I had seen that walking groups offer a good opportunity to meet people. I'm not a great walker, but perhaps I'll give it a go...it would be great to hear more from you.
    angeluscrzy, gosh, I relate to what you say so much - especially what you say about everything being about your girls. I have focused my whole life on my children, but this summer I started to realise that I have done them no favours because they have lived with a very sad mother. Failing to prioritise my happiness has probably done them a fair amount of damage. Also, my husband has had anger management issues, which he used to take out on the children and at times I was terrified by his aggression. After I came out to him he told me that the reason he had been physically violent with the kids was because he was so frustrated with me because we had such a dysfunctional relationship which he now blames on me having been in the closet. I found myself blaming myself and my sexuality for everything and that was when I started to feel really anxious. I have had quite a bit of therapy and I now know that no-one can justify physically harming children through blaming someone else's actions - but it's still hard to stop this self-hate I feel. Although we didn't have an affectionate relationship, I tried hard in our marriage and I was a decent person and when I feel shame about my marriage I try to remember that. I am very proud that I have brought my girls up to have far more self-respect than their mother does - all three of them are happy in themselves and with who they are - and I believe all three are gay (what were the chances of that???).
    I am trying hard to build my self respect back up. I realised that I had been drowning my sorrows recently (but they could swim!!) and today is day 42 of having no daily 6pm glass (or 2, or more) of wine. I'm not an alcoholic, but I was certainly using a glass or two to try to calm down, and it wasn't very helpful. I have a rare allergy to medications - when I tried antidepressants I ended up in hospital for a month and very nearly died, so I have to pull myself together without meds which means I need to start making myself see the bright side a bit more. I'm also trying to make myself feel a bit better about my physical self - I feel hugely nervous about the idea of trying to have a relationship with another woman - I'm unfit and have had three kids and have quite significant body image issues as a result, but a good friend of mine said the other day that I needed to remember I'm in my mid 40s and there are likely to be very few women around my age who don't have similar issues. I think I just need to keep reminding myself that so much of what I am feeling is probably not unusual.
    Thank you all so much for your support. As I say, I feel a degree of calm today that I really didn't have yesterday...
     
    #5 lilylivered, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
  6. Landgirl

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    I'm so glad you're starting to feel better, lilylivered.

    Some of the walking groups I mentioned go on hikes of 10 miles upwards, but the one I belong to does circular walks of no more than 6 miles, always with a break for lunch and a pub or café at the end. The pace is gentle, and the opportunity for conversation is valued just as highly as the exercise. So if you check out some of them online I'm sure you will find one that suits you.

    In Nottingham and Sheffield there are also groups called Dinner Ladies, where gay women meet up monthly to go out for a meal. There may be one of these in Manchester, I don't know. One of my friends does this, and I am thinking of trying it myself.

    I am unable to send you a private message, because we are only regular members at the moment, but this is something I would be happy to do at a later point.
     
  7. kypso

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    I can totally empathise with you - well done for being brave and coming out.
    I am still married to a lovely man, who knows I am bisexual and totally fine with it. Some of my friends and colleagues know and even his sister. I have never been brave enough to tell my family. I am in fact gay. I know I am, I have always really known but denied it to myself.
    I cannot bring myself to tell him, we have small children and I can't bear the thought of everyone knowing and thinking what a horrid person I have been 'leading him on' and marrying him. In recent years it is just so obvious to me. I hope one day I will have the same courage you had. Best wishes to you
     
  8. lilylivered

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    Kypso - it's not easy, but I know it'll be worth it and I do feel so much better now all my cards are on the table for all the world to see. It's not comfortable, but it's good. One day you will feel it's the right time to be completely open with your husband (and yourself) - in my case, it took me years and then caught me by surprise. I have been plagued with fear of what people will think of what I have 'done' to my husband, but actually it really doesn't matter what other people think! My husband told me that he had spent a long time thinking about whether I had been manipulative and cruel and he came to the conclusion that I had not. I had just done what, at the time, I thought was right.

    Landgirl - I'd really like to keep in touch. I am going to start going to the LGBT Foundation groups in Manchester and they have a befriending service which sounds good. They have offered me a course of therapy sessions there (which will be great) and have said that once I start seeing one of the team regularly, they will support me to get out and meet people and go to groups. It really is all quite stressful doing this (at my age). My friends in London encouraged me to sign up to an online site for meeting people this weekend. I feel a bit awkward about it all (the whole writing a profile etc feels really uncomfortable to me and I'm not very good at it!). I doubt I'll meet anyone, but I feel at least I can say I've made the effort. As soon as I came out, the immediate reaction was to ask if I was on a lesbian online dating site yet. I find it all a bit odd. I guess at least if you manage to arrange to meet someone one-to-one there is none of the worry about turning up alone at a bigger event, which I just can't face.
     
  9. hexamum

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    You are braver than you are giving yourself credit for!!
    You've done the hard bit, now it's time for you to live the life you yearned for. X
    Never blame yourself for someone else's mistakes or wrong doings. Your husband had a choice whether to be abusive... He chose that for himself.nothing to do with you x
    I hope you find your social niche soon xx
     
    #9 hexamum, Sep 26, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
  10. Landgirl

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    The Foundation group you mention sounds really good. I went to my nearest LGBT centre, and I don't know whether it is because they recently had their funding cut, but they don't appear to offer as much, although they were exceedingly friendly. I went one evening to a social group for gay women that they run, but there were only 6 people there, all much younger than me, so I never went again. They have just started a group for older members of the LGBT community, which I am going to try this week, but I have a suspicion this is aimed at people 60+ because it meets at lunchtime on a Wednesday.

    Another way I have been encouraged to meet women is by going to the lesbian discos that are organised periodically in Derby, Nottingham and Sheffield. I went to one in Derby and hated it, but that was mostly because I have always hated discos anyway, but at least I felt proud I had actually had the courage to go and check it out. You will find that if you start slowly, the more you do, the more it encourages you to persevere.

    Another thing to do is to find out what's showing at your local independent cinemas. They are more likely to screen lesbian movies, and often have a small bar area to meet in beforehand, where it is easy to strike up conversations with like-minded people. I have found that even if these conversations lead nowhere, at least you are getting "practice" at talking to people. The last film I went to was Summer Time, a lesbian love story, and in the bar I bumped into a woman who used to work at my place who had no idea I was gay because she had left before I came out, and we exchanged phone numbers, although nothing has come of it as yet.
     
  11. AngryMomo

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    i can understand how you feel, not about coming out that but about another important aspect in my life.... i regretted not being brave enough to make my mind sooner and fight for what i wanted earlier in life... i realized i had made it all more difficult and hard for me and my people.... but now, i think i did my best with what i had at hand, i had to work with what i was given and available and if i didn´t stand up sooner was because i had no tools or resources or information to do it. I realized i was not going to waste my future regretting i had wasted my past.... think about it: you have many years left to finally get what you want in life so.... stop punishing yourself, you have those beautiful daughters cause you took those "wrong" decisions, you have an amazing and loyal friend on your husband because of it..... you´ll have to fight everyday to get over several obstacles but you have done that before and got over it.... you had the courage to accept yourself when you had so much to lose.... you are a brave person .... keep on fighting

     
  12. Poppy43

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    Hi Lilylivered, I'm sorry to hear of your previous difficulties, it must be very,very hard for anybody who is stuck with an opposite sex partner when they are gay. I've not been through that as I've been out since my early 20s, I'm 46 now.
    What I would say is as well as joining gay things join some other things that you are interested in, in your area.What I've found is that support and friendship often comes from unlikley sources and if you cast your net far and wide you have a better chance of meeting like minded people.
    Also on a postive note I know quite a few women that have come out later in life and had relationships etc. I think a lot of people are not bothered about if someone was previously married,if you like someone then you like them as long as they are honest thats the main thing,thats what I think.
    I hope all goes well for you with this new chapter in your life.Kind Regards.
     
  13. Landgirl

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    Hi lily-livered, how are you getting on? have you attended any groups yet? I went along to that 50+ LGBT group running at the centre in Derby, only to find it was me plus 14 men!
     
  14. Confusedhappy

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    Hi there

    I read your original and follow up posts last night and thought about something I could say that could help. My story is different in that I never got married or had kids but I'm 41, only a few years younger than you, and it's only in the last six months that I've acknowledged that I'm probably gay and I'm beginning to explore that side of myself. I don't feel guilt or regret about not having done this before now, maybe that will come but I hope that when it comes I can accept that I cannot change the past, and I have to, to the best of my ability, find a way to live this new life, discover myself, on my own and hopefully some day with someone that I will love. I haven't had your experience, it's very possible that I could have had, all my previous relationships have been with men and that's the road I was on, but I can make some general comments that I hope will help:

    You're not lily-livered: you're quite the opposite and have shown tremendous courage in making massive changes to your life in order to be the person you are. That takes guts, some might say it would have been easier to continue living a married life, pretending to yourself and others that you're straight but you've been true to yourself, that it's taken time doesn't matter now, be patient with yourself and allow yourself to be confused and hurt but don't give yourself such a hard time. You've been through a really difficult time, your head must be wrecked but trust that with time things will improve. It can hurt when 'friends' turn out not to be friends but it can also be revealing, don't let those who are bigoted and narrow-minded make you feel bad about yourself, they are their issues not yours. I expect surprise, probably shock, from some of my friends and family when I come out but I also hope for understanding and support. From what you say you already have that too, surround yourself with the people who love you.

    When I was making a big career/education choice years ago a woman much wiser than I talked to me and told me (paraphrasing) that there are no right or wrong choices. There are the choices that we make at a given point in our life to the best of our ability and we live with the consequences, not in a bad way, but knowing that we've weighed things up, we took a path and that doesn't mean that we can't change course down the road. We adapt, we choose a different path when things aren't working but we can't always beat ourselves up for making the 'wrong' choice. It's not rocket science but it's stayed with me and is in my mind anytime I have a choice to make.

    All of us have body image issues to some degree or other, don't let that define what you do from here on out. Look at yourself and who you want to be, if there are changes you want to make to your lifestyle, do it for you and not for some concern about how others might view you. I exercise for enjoyment and health, the benefits it brings to my state of mind, but I do it for me.

    On online dating: this was the easiest initial way for me to begin to meet other lesbians, meetings with groups arranged online are also definitely something I'll consider. Yeah, doing your profile can be a pain but I found it's worked very well for me. I've had really interesting discussions with a couple of people where we've clicked and I've met someone twice, soon to be three times, as a result. It's good, you're in control, sure there are fruitcakes out there but they're not just online and you can spot them a mile off. You're a smart, articulate woman, it's obvious from your story and how you tell it, you'll be fine out there.

    Anyway, I wish you the very best, I admire your courage and I hope you find your way through the difficult days to a place where you find contentment, you will.

    Mind yourself.
     
    #14 Confusedhappy, Oct 5, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2016