Hi everyone don't really know why I am posting I think it might be because I feel so alone. I gave been married for 9 years before that I dated women I guess you could say this year slipped through. We went on to have 3 children together who are my life but I am so unhappy in our relationship I just don't want him sexullay now don't get me wrong he's the perfect guy loving great father supportive but he dose not make me happy I crave to be with a women again I do miss being with a women. I have come out to him and told him all of this we have decided to stay living together as we can't afford not to and all of our children are disabled. But no women will want me living with him I feel so very trapped and my family well they will all hate me when they find out I am going to lose family friends but I feel I need to be true to who I am o everything is such a mess.
I don't think it does much good to try to predict what the future holds or whether no woman will accept you as you are situated today. This could be the first day of the rest of your life. You never know. Maybe the day will come when you've worked out a shared arrangement for the kids which allows you to be more independent than currently and maybe you meet someone who, for whatever reason, knows the whole story and turns out to be interested in you as more than just your hairdresser or your legal advisor and doesn't hold any of it against you. Who knows! Allow yourself to make little steps towards improving your circumstances. Whether it's just plotting out shared childcare responsibilities on paper or seeking out the names of support groups or LGBT therapists, any positive step will contribute to you feeling better. Even if you don't know what a better future looks like right now, don't cheat yourself out of a chance to find out what it could be. P.S. Your profile says Male. From your post, you sound Female. You might want to change that.
A few things come to mind: - Be gentle with yourself and focus on self care. Give yourself the freedom to think about what _you_ need. Think about what you need and remember that you deserve to be happy. - I would try to take things one day at a time right now. You're looking into the future and making negative predictions about something that still has to take shape. You will not know how your relationships with women work until you try, so for now I would suggest focusing on next steps in the short term. One day at a time. - Think about what authenticity and integrity would look like in your future life. I believe that you need both to be happy, and your sense of loss is from living out of integrity with yourself and not allowing your authentic sexuality to be expressed. Can you envision how authenticity and integrity would look in the future? Take one day at a time and do one thing at a time to achieve this. - I would seek out an LGBT/Q (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning) supportive therapist. In my opinion a therapist might help you think through various scenarios, keep you in a healthy mental state during this period of introspection and change, and be your sounding board in general. The therapist can't give you the answers but will provide you with a supportive environment to deconstruct issues. I don't know your situation first hand since I've never married, but I can relate to your anguish of feeling out of integrity with who you are. I find myself needing to take it a day at a time too, and to love myself. I've also been helped much by a supportive therapist. Please know that you are loved, and that you are a gift. *warm hugs* Patrick Seattle, WA
A few things come to mind: - Be gentle with yourself and focus on self care. Give yourself the freedom to think about what _you_ need. Think about what you need and remember that you deserve to be happy. - I would try to take things one day at a time right now. You're looking into the future and making negative predictions about something that still has to take shape. You will not know how your relationships with women work until you try, so for now I would suggest focusing on next steps in the short term. One day at a time. - Think about what authenticity and integrity would look like in your future life. I believe that you need both to be happy, and your sense of loss is from living out of integrity with yourself and not allowing your authentic sexuality to be expressed. Can you envision how authenticity and integrity would look in the future? Take one day at a time and do one thing at a time to achieve this. - I would seek out an LGBT/Q (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning) supportive therapist. In my opinion a therapist might help you think through various scenarios, keep you in a healthy mental state during this period of introspection and change, and be your sounding board in general. The therapist can't give you the answers but will provide you with a supportive environment to deconstruct issues. I don't know your situation first hand since I've never married, but I can relate to your anguish of feeling out of integrity with who you are. I find myself needing to take it a day at a time too, and to love myself. I've also been helped much by a supportive therapist. Please know that you are loved, and that you are a gift. *warm hugs* Patrick Seattle, WA
Needtocope, First, I want to tell you that you are not alone. So many people here on Empty Closets know about your struggle, and completely understand you. I am one of them. I know all about feeling desperately lonely and trapped. It's like you suddenly wake up, and the realization hits you that you made an awful choice so long ago. For me, it was 20 years instead of 9. Two children for me. You also have the added difficulty of children with disabilities. I'm not sure how long you have been struggling with this. From the time I woke up until the time I came out to my wife was 2 years. I had become depressed over those 2 years. I was so alone and I felt that I had no one I could talk to during that time. So, I didn't talk to anyone and suffered greatly over that time while I struggled to understand myself. How could I have been so stupid to marry a woman when I had been with men sexually? I knew that I preferred men, but I allowed myself to succumb to the fear of anyone knowing I was gay, so I did what I thought I was supposed to do. Find a woman who would love me, and marry her. I chose my best girl friend, and so many years later, here we are, just past my 20th anniversary, perhaps 4-6 months away from divorce and finding a balance between co-parenting and me finding my new gay life. There is a path forward for you. I don't know what that path is, and right now you are not in a good place to start looking for that path. But you will be in time, and with your husband, you can find a path forward together. It will take time, so be patient with yourself and with him. Please continue to post with us here. You can truly be yourself here and say anything that comes to your mind. We will all talk with you here and give you feedback on what you say. No one will judge you, but we will offer you things to think about. Please re-read the previous comments. I think they have some really good points to consider. Take care.
Hi everyone thank you for the replies I think your so right I need to take each day at a time I can't see the future right now but I can see the past and I know I don't want to go back their. My husband went out drinking all night last night not coming back till 6 and quite frankly he looks like a broken man I am feeling so guilty but surly it's better for him to be told the truth now before he wastes years more of his life. Not that I could keep pretending the thought of having sex with him makes me feel physically sick and theirs only so many head aches you can have. It's strange but I am sure I have pushed all these feelings into a deep pit inside me for years I keep finding myself looking at women and thinking mmmm that looks good I would have a bit of that then as soon as those thoughts enter my brain thinking no that's bad I can't think that and jumping on the thought as soon as I have it. When I think about it I know I have been doing this for a long long time as well as telling myself I'm straight I like men over and over its like i have brain washed myself into being straight does that make sense? Right now I so hate myself if I could have just been honest I would have saved so much hurt
Looks like our situations are very similar. I looked for your post after reading your answer to my post about coming out to my husband. You are certainly not alone. I worry too, that no woman would want to come close to me when still living with my husband. Take one day at a time and please don´t focus too much on the future. You will find out together what will work for you. You took a big big step and try to see that as a positive thing for yourself. I´ve gone through every feeling possible when I was questioning, after I came out to myself and now after coming out to him. I´ve felt happy, accepting, confident, angry, sad, guilty, selfish, suicidal.. you name it. I keep reminding myself that my husband needs and has a right to go through every feeling too. While I´m happy with what I did and my situation right now, he his feeling the sadness (that I felt months ago). I need to give him time because I´ve sure had plenty of time to think. We both know our situation won´t go on forever like this, but for now, it´s working for us. I agree with answers above, maybe seeing a therapist or looking for support at a LGBT center. Have someone to talk to. (*hug*)
