Hello, all: I'm 30 and I've lived my life in the closet (in complete denial). I'm getting ready to come out, but I'm confused and feeling lonely. I am pretty sure I am gay. I made a joke to someone that I was 98% gay. However, I am wondering if anyone else shares this experience at all: I have had feelings for someone in the past (a man) but these feelings are affectionate, in that I am attracted to his soul and mind, but there is absolutely no physical attraction. However, the feeling is really close to romantic, if not romantic. If things get physical, I do it for them, not for me. I'm only physically attracted to women, but I find I can be attracted to a man mentally, if that makes sense. (Does that make sense?) I guess what I want to know is, am I the only one? Does this sound familiar? In my heart, I know I'm gay, as in only sexually attracted to women. I am just curious if this unusual situation has ever happened to anyone else before. (Because maybe it's not all that unusual?) I know that in such a situation, I could never be completely happy, and I could never make the other person completely happy. Even so, when this happens to me (it's rare, but it happens) it becomes very confusing for me. I would really appreciate feedback. I'm wondering if anyone else has ever had a similar experience. Also, right now I'm preparing myself to soon tell my boyfriend of 10 years that I'm gay. I'm terrified and not sure I can do it. But I will try. Thanks for listening, Rosa
It makes perfect sense. I think, however, that we can have deep, even romantic, feelings for people who we have no sexual attraction for. The best word to describe it is friendship. We've been conditioned in our culture with the idea that straight men and women shouldn't have "romantic" (or sexual for that matter) feelings for people of their same gender. Gay people, therefore, also tend to think that any deep and romantic feelings for a person of the opposite gender means they might be straight or bisexual. IMO, sexual attraction is required for identification of sexuality, not romanticism. Others may disagree.
Thank you so much for your reply. Hearing that from someone else (or rather, reading it!) really helps me to process. I read a book recently that talked about how, in Victorian times, it was very normal for women to have what was referred to as "romantic friendships"-- sometimes they were gay, sometimes not, but either way, the woman would cuddle, hold hands, kiss, etc., and this kind of friendship usually came before marriage. I think what you're saying makes total sense. Thank you again for your reply! Rosa
If you search the term 'same gender romantic' you may find some information that will help in your pursuit of understanding how you feel. For you it seems, it is opposite gender romantic-asexual and same gender aromantic-sexual. These terms may help you form a more rounded understanding of your feelings. It's not always about labels, but more about understanding ourselves. All the best~
Very interesting. On the other hand, I know that I could have both a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman. It would be a really fulfilling relationship for me. Thank you for sharing this ... I will Google it! ---------- Post added 25th Sep 2016 at 08:20 PM ---------- I'm glad I'm not the only one!
It makes sense .... if you think about it: isnĀ“t that exactly what you feel for you best friends or family members? What makes the difference is the sexual attraction that somehow impacts in those feelings described above... it happened to me and made me doubt about my sexuality deeply... you are not a gay weirdo hahahahaha it happens a lot
Rosa, you are not alone. I was attracted to men mentally, and even dare say I have loved 2 men in my life. However, pure physical and sexual attraction for me only ever leads me to women. When I look back, I see all the times I suppressed being lesbian, but it's always been there. Today, 7 years after leaving a hetero marriage, I am put and proud, and in a wonderful lesbian relationship with a woman I hope to marry some day.
It's interesting how things we believe are 'a weird thing only we feel' turn out to be more common than we could have ever guessed... I feel a bit less lonely.
Wow, thank you everyone for your enlightening responses! It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. I love this community. I hadn't logged in for a few days and missed "seeing" everyone. Thanks again!
Hi 33RosyLily, That makes complete sense to me, and as others have said, you're not alone. It's confusing, and I can't really offer you any advice because I'm still trying to sort my own thoughts and feeling out. (*hug*)
Do you think you could be like a 'biromantic lesbian'? (Not sure if that is an actual label or not!), like sexually and romantically attracted to women but also romantically and emotionally attracted to some men? (But no sexual feelings towards men?). I think it is probably more common that you think!
I like that word! I think you should submit it to Webster's! I'm not sure if I would give myself a label like that, though. I'm feeling more and more comfortable with the words gay and queer; I like the way they feel. But I think what you've just said pretty well describes my feelings. It's so good to see that what I am going through is pretty normal. Reading this thread has really helped me accept it. Thank you! Rosa
Hi You are far from the only one. There were times when I enjoyed sex with past girlfriends and had romantic feelings but most of the time I was closing my eyes and thinking about guys. Its very crystal clear when I write that here , but I spent years in denial and suppressing this. I also realized that in most of my relationships the women initiated the romance when someone shows you attention and care it can feel very comforting, and looking back that's what most of my relationships were. But as you can see from reading around here, denial can be very powerful