Hi all, I'm 36 years old, and been reading threads here for the last couple of months; finally decided to share... I have never experimented with men, but there were two times in the past when I doubted my sexual orientation. Back then I obsessed over these thoughts, which made me completely terrified and unhappy, finding myself in the middle of big depressions, fighting anxiety. These periods ended for different reasons after a while, and I went back to 'normal', had a couple of girlfriends, forgot about the doubts (never completely though). Both times I managed to push the thoughts away, and told myself that it had been just a phase, and that I couldn't be gay if I found the idea of being gay so scary and unwanted. Never told anyone about this but to two therapists, been my best kept secret. Last year I went through a life-threatening illness, from which I'm now recovered. This experience has had a huge impact on me, and made me analyse myself as a person, top to toe, in every possible aspect. It has brought back the doubts about my sexual orientation. I find myself in the middle of a big depression, very similar to the ones I experienced those two times before. Now I feel like I need to face this or I will never be able to stop obsessing about the subject. And worse, like I'll never know who I REALLY am. I really don't know how to go on about this. After reading quite a lot online (thank you EC), I told myself to just open my mind and wait, and observe my feelings, my reactions towards men. The subject has turned into something so big and so present that I can hardly feel, or observe myself objectively. I'm so obsessed that I can't just relax and go with the flow. I try to find an answer to this by looking at my feelings and actions, analysing my past since I was a young kid, trying to find clues that reveal something relevant. I look at men I cross paths with, asking myself if I find them sexually attractive. The thoughts are there constantly when I'm talking to men, even male friends of mine. It's paralysing, and of course I don't get much out of it, other than further doubts. I'm more and more detached from everyone and everything, makes me feel so alone that it's scary. When I'm with people I feel like I'm pretending, I can't really tell about this to friends who ask me why I'm so down. I feel like a fraud most of the time. I'm determined to do something about my doubts this time, I'm open to whatever might come out of this all, but I'm clueless about how to turn my doubts into certainties. Somehow going to a gay bar and seeing what happens doesn't seem at all like the thing to do...? Any advice would be very appreciated, this 'LGBT later in life' thread has been a huge help during these past months... Thank you for reading.
Well I certainly know the feeling of detachment and pretending when out in public. For starters keep reading and posting on EC. I strongly recommend seeing an LGBT friendly therapist; where you can be in safe environment to explore and express you thoughts about this out loud. Going to a gay bar? Why not? just go and observe maybe make small talk with someone at the bar. When you meet men and observe as you say. What are your thoughts and feelings? When you ask yourself the questions what are the answers?
Hi, Welcome! EC is a great place to get feelings out and share with people just like yourself. You're not alone - we're all dealing with similar things around here. Understanding yourself after years of denial isn't always as easy as just hitting a switch. You have a lot to dig through. But, the good thing is you seem to have started and are willing to go where it takes you. Trying to observe yourself and understand what you feel is quite logical but can be tricky when that wall of anxiety tries to fence you in. I know. I've been there. And anxiety isn't always honest. Your true feelings are generally hidden behind it and you have to break through to find them. Good luck!
I'm also 36. Have pretty much accepted I am gay and keen to take the next step but find it impossible to tell anyone (never told anyone and even have anxiety attacks when I try to get in touch with a therapist). So I am not really qualified to give any advice, beyond the fact that I am at a similar time in life and have a similar problem to you. I still find the idea of being gay troubl No. intellectually, I know it's fine but it's like there's this barrier stopping me being myself. As the desperation to take a step, tell someone, seek help has grown to the point where it's never far from my mind so the barrier has got higher. So it's not my place to giv advice, after all I can't get anywhere myself, so just wanted to say hello and that you aren't the only person going through this sort of thing. A lot of what you said feels very familiar to me and I am sorry you are having to go through it.
Hi, I don't have your same experience in life. I was a boy who experimented with other boys and continued through high school with guys. I don't have your same doubts about my sexuality. My struggle has always been about denial, shame and guilt. What you describe is how I felt a little more than 2 years ago. I think of that period as me waking up, emerging from the darkness of my closet. Still completely in there, mind you, but really realizing for the first time that I was even in a closet and feeling trapped. Like you, the "alarm clock" that woke me up was a traumatic life event. Mine was the death of my father. His death caused me to begin taking stock of my own life. Each of us struggle in different, but yet similar ways. From your post you describe your struggle with your sexuality in terms that are too vague for us to understand well enough to give you better insight. In each instance you only say "these thoughts". If you are willing to be a bit more vulnerable with revealing more about these thoughts, I think we can help you more. What are the thoughts specifically? Do you have crushes on guys? Do you think about kissing them? Do you think about their genitals? If you want to understand your sexuality better, you might also think about, and talk about here if you wish, what you fantasize about when you masturbate, especially when you don't look at porn while you do it. Porn is a poor indicator of sexuality, but your fantasies without porn are better indicators. It's hard to move forward when you still don't know what you are moving towards. Having a concrete understanding of being straight, gay, bi, or whatever is helpful in being able to set a direction. I hope these ideas have helped you.
Thank you all so much for your replies. It helps to know you are here, even when this still is all a little frightening by moments... TravelerMe: When I observe, my thoughts are so very mixed; I might think I find a guy attractive, or cute, and begin to be comfortable with that feeling, then I will see a good-looking girl, and that'll make me return to square one, where I tell myself 'you are not into having sex with a man, why are you even considering this. You find a guy to be good-looking, so what, that doesn't really mean much'. And I wonder if this happens because I'm in denial, and if this is just part of my process towards overcoming that denial. This constant back and forth in my mind... it's exhausting. At least I did reach this point where I allow myself to 'look' at guys in a way that I didn't before. I don't panic anymore when I do it, as I used to. The questions and answers: I guess the big answer to ALL my questions ends up being: 'you will have to try it in order to know'. I guess I've come to certain peace with the idea that I won't solve my doubts by thinking about them only. If I've reached the point where I'm at now, it's because of a reason... It just seems too unbelievable to be true. And I wonder, where to start? It just feels so urgent, being my age and not being sure of such an important aspect of myself; I should know right? And I should figure it out as soon as possible, right? But I'm frozen instead. Imgay47: I've had male friends that I really liked/admired, but I didn't really look at them in a sexual way. I didn't think I wanted to kiss them. I liked to be with them. I didn't think about their genitals. Now I wonder if I had crushes on them, but didn't realise... Or if that's even possible, to not realise you have a crush on someone. Now I might meet a friend and be wondering if I'd like to kiss him. It's kind of distracting as you can imagine. And by moments I think 'yes', by moments I think 'no way'. Perhaps this is my process, I'm pretty clueless. I never really masturbated thinking about men or watched gay porn. But then again, is that a meaningful thing? Right now for me, it isn't... Argh. As you very well put it, I don't know what I'm moving towards; that's my biggest concern. Where to go from here? Questionmark99: Thanks for your words, you are very right and it's comforting to read those words right now. I just hope I'll find the courage needed to figure myself out fully, slowly but surely (that sounds so impossible as I write it...). ERS2016: Thanks for writing too, sending you strength from here. This is a slow process I guess, important is that we have started. Hugs to all for now.
Actually, I think it is a very meaningful thing. I'm assuming you've masturbated while thinking about women and have watched straight porn? How was that? Was it enjoyable? Did you get off? It could be that you're not gay at all but are suffering some sort of anxiety disorder, in which case, you definitely should seek therapy. In my experience, gay men are turned on by male bodies and gay sex. In my own case, I can remember finding a naked male fascinating at age 5, long before I was even aware of the concept of sexuality.
I agree with this, and it's the reason I asked the question originally. Masturbatory fantasies can be very revealing.
Hi XF, based on the way you describe your situation, it's possible that your obsessional thinking is caused by an anxiety disorder, not your sexual orientation. You may want to read about HOCD, which is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where the topic of obsession is uncertainty around one's sexual orientation. Here's a good starting point: HOCD: Homosexual OCD & Sexual Orientation OCD | Steven J. Seay, Ph.D. I'm definitely not trying to diagnose you or anything. It's just that the way you describe yourself has certain tones of OCD, particularly the constant doubt which is the hallmark of all OCD.
Hi nerdbrain, Thank you for your insight. I had been reading a bit about HOCD earlier, but this one you send is a good, more extensive read. I'm still confused, still feeling alone with this, still sad that I can't just figure it out, 'solve' it for myself. It seems like such a basic treat about myself, it's something I should know by now... and I just don't. I have opened my mind and my eyes though, I'm talking to a therapist about it, and I want to come to terms with whatever it is that is going through my head these past months. So I guess I'm on my way to find out. Not easy... Big hug for you and for the others who replied, very appreciated from my position right now. Thanks.
