I feel like this is ridiculous because I'm so...whatever, toward my trigger, but I might need some input on my current mental state. I cannot stop thinking about my trigger the past few days, who, in my real world, is not thought of as "trigger." She has a name and I only think of her as that. Like the many, things didn't end well for us. It was a whirlwind in the beginning, with instant attraction (potentially only on my part) and flirting that turned into me falling really hard and fast in a way I never had before, leading to me now, almost three years later, identifying as pretty much lesbian - I say gay/queer just to encompass my ability to still be sexually attracted to men - but I am extremely into women because, duh. We were in a seriously confusing relationship. She was exceptionally flirty while I was hesitant/cautious. She was very out and I was extremely confused. She wasn't sexually experienced at all while I was experienced with both genders, men more than women. She was physically gorgeous and I was pretty average, like if Ruby Rose were to go out with Kate McKinnon (which actually sounds perfect to me if I REALLY think about it - totally ship them) - Kate McKinnon is amazing, but not the usual model Ruby would date. We were pretty opposite, except for our mutual ability to entertain each other, like, we just clicked and understood each other in a best friends way. I only have that type of connection with my best friend/people I'm good friends with, so we were super communicative right off the bat, and I was attracted to her in a way that I've NEVER been attracted to anyone, so I was hooked instantly. Things didn't end well. We stayed in an almost year long limbo of flirting and being friends that was too confusing for me. I either wanted us to be real friends, or something more. I definitely wanted the something more much more than the friend thing, and when I told her how I felt and she said it wasn't romantic at all, I was totally thrown. Things died down from there and faded off. I went off of social media for almost a year so I didn't have to look at her. I was super depressed. I was the clichéd hurting in places and in ways I didn't know I could. I was like a zombie, something turned off in me in a bad way. The joy button or something. I went back onto social media after over a year and not speaking to her for many months, and she started liking a lot of my pictures, but I just ignored her. Eventually I took her off of everything/blocked her on some things. But I STILL can't stop thinking about her. I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, but I miss her and wonder how she is. Not every minute, but sometimes. And when it happens, it's a really strong feeling and urge to speak to her/know she's okay. I don't think it's a creepy kind of thinking about her, like sitting around and remembering how hot she was and how much I wanted to be with her, or how unfair it was that we didn't end up together - I literally just care about her and wonder how she's doing. I truly believe she suffers from some kind of mental illness, like severe anxiety or social anxiety or whatever. She even told me in her letter of rejection that she has bad anxiety issues - and I just wonder if that got lost in the mix of me being so into her, confused and being someone who is impatient and wants what they want. As in, she acted very much like she liked me as way more than a friend but was too afraid to act on it, and I was just in a haze and wanting to be with her instead of being able to be like, okay, we're not going to go any further, she's someone fun to flirt with/be friends with, don't take it serious. I couldn't help but take it seriously because I was experiencing strong feelings that were super foreign to me. I don't feel like I owe her an apology, but I feel like I ended things so abruptly out of anger and hurt. And it's fine, because I had to so that I could get over things and figure myself out without her in the picture, but I think it sort of comes off as - 'fuck you for not liking me romantically. Now you're punished.' She's really punished with my absence for playing games, which there's no doubt she did, but I'm also kind of second guessing myself -- I guess I need to know if I'm screwing with myself or am seeing things more clearly now that some fog has lifted. And I don't know how to explain it, but I really have these very strong urges to speak to her/know how she is/clear the air sometimes. I don't want to be a doormat. I find myself being that a little too much sometimes, not in the usual sense, but I'm pretty forgiving and understanding of human nature and how people act/why they act that way without letting myself be abused. I don't know. Am I just being crazy and feeling emotional about her? I don't get why I care about her so much. I guess there's some dumb sappy existential part of me that's wondering if she's supposed to be in my life because of this. But I think sometimes I can be too understanding. Again, not ever in a way that people are allowed to abuse me, but maybe sometimes it's to my own detriment by allowing unnecessary negative emotional energy into my own space. Any input would be friggin great. Especially from women who date women.
I'm not a woman, but I have a sort of similar story. One time, a while ago, I met a guy who I later on would fall in love with. At first we were just talking about basic stuff, like what songs we enjoy, what movies we like, etc. Then after a while things got a bit more "personal". You see, neither of us were trying to get each other, we were just two strangers who met and became friends. So I guess it kind of came as a shock when he asked me about my sexuality, but as I felt that I kind of trusted him, I told him I was gay. At that point, he told me that he weren't, which later on changed, as I actually somehow managed to help him accept himself and his sexuality. Neither of us are out to anyone else though. Long story short, he fell in love with me, told me he loved me. I couldn't say the same though, as I didn't love him. We kept on going. After a while I also started to fall pretty hard for him, and boom, I fell in love with him. At that point though, he told me that it didn't really matter. His feelings for me weren't the same as before, he didn't love me as much anymore. Heartbroken as I was, I blocked and removed him from everything and I stopped talking to him. I also left him when he actually needed me the most, due to something really painful happening to him, which I actually regret doing now. To this day I still miss him when I think about him, and I wonder how he is and how things are going for him (his life was really messy when we met). I guess it's because he meant so much to me at that point, and I have it hard to let him go. There doesn't really have to be a more complicated answer, really.
YeahpIdk, you want to reconnect with this friend/former-crush but are not sure whether it is a good move, correct? I am wondering that in your very honest opinion, what is the best outcome if you succeed in reconnecting with her? What is the worst outcome, and what is the most likely outcome?
That does sound pretty similar to my situation. Except she asked me my sexuality, while she was the gay one, and I fell in love with her. I had always thought I was bi, like way deep down, but never imagined myself seriously being with a woman. I always dated men/had long term relationships with them. I'd also never really been around lesbians before. But lo and behold. Here I am super damn gay now. It's kind of insane, actually. Because it's such an obvious thing that was never at all obvious. Idk. I guess these could just be thoughts that cloud my judgement in the moment. Idk. It's hard because we didn't end in a real way. It's like, one day we both literally just stopped texting each other. I even remember the day and last text, lol. It was so abrupt. Im not sure if reconnect is the right word. It sounds more intense and intouch than what I'm feeling. In my very honest opinion, the best outcome would be that we know each other doesn't dislike the other? Like, there's not someone out there, especially her, that I have beef with. And if we wanted to talk or be friends, we could. The worst outcome would be that she doesn't care about me at all and never did in any real way. Not even as a friend. That, like I've been saying about her, she actually is a sociopath or something on that level. The most likely outcome. If I did reconnect and message her and say something. I'd either feel really stupid or fine and just move on knowing that she knows I don't hate her. And still feel kind of stupid but better? Idk. Maybe it would be redundant. I really wish I knew how she felt about the whole thing. I have questions, like why she acted a certain way or did certain things. They're not things I'd take lightly. Idk. Maybe I just have questions?
Personally I would never ever reach out to my own 'trigger crush' because it was not an amicable breakup... She literally told me she wanted nothing to do with me so yeah. YeahpIdk, I honestly don't know what to think in your case. I just know that in general I prefer not to look back because it'd just make me feel worse instead of bringing closures. Plus in my own case, the majority of my crushes did not care about me half as much as I cared about them so there is truly no point.
Yeah, My own recommendation is to sit in the uncomfortable feelings and allow them to pass. Don't make a decision while in that place. If memory serves, u said ur friend is a lil' narc/socio? My best advice is to sit in those strong urges and allow them to pass before making a decision. I, too, have occasional feelings to reach out to someone who doesn't serve my well being. Those feelings come in waves. I have to sit in those urges, allow them to pass, and then remind myself why we stopping talking. I can certainly identify with the longing to reach out. It's a process to remind myself I need to take care of myself, before I can take care of anyone else. Edit: I just read your reasoning for wanting to talk to her again. I said the same about the last woman who wasn't very good to me. And it didn't end up being good after when I went back. I ended it on note of just cutting her off. Responded to a few of her texts, then vanished. Didn't want to have that long drawn out convo that would end in me sticking around. It'a going on 3 weeks of no contact and there are those moments of urges. It takes a lot of will.
As you may remember I don't date women because I am married to a man. However, I'll add my few cents in here.. First of all, hugs to you again, must be so difficult to struggle with thoughts and feelings back and forth.. I personally believe this wave of your emotions should subside.. I agree with some of the posters here regarding not returning to past. The main issue that I see is the lack of adequate closure - those are the situations that don't give us any rest for a while.. Does the closure need to be made by contacting her? Not necessarily. You may be able to find this closure on your own. I know you've been dealing with health issue, did she know about this back then? If she did, what is preventing her from getting in touch to see if you are ok? IMO nothing. This is just an example.. If she was not ok without you, she would have been with you. No doubt, like all human beings she may have some ups and downs, but you don't owe her anything at all, even a friendly check on how she is doing. Because, there is a chance it may do more damage for you. I don't want to be too straight to the point here, and, it is so much easier for me to write this, it must have been so traumatic to be flirted with, lead on then basically told that you have imagined a lot. You have enough to focus on, you don't owe her anything for abrupt change in 'friendship' or for being mislead. Yes, be stronger and understanding but to yourself and hopefully there will be closure. and if none, you will survive this anyway - I know you will. (*hug*)
I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been really hard. I also don't like to look back, but I guess there wasn't proper closure. I didn't have a fight with her. She didn't say something messed up to me. She, very nicely (too nicely), told me she didn't have romantic feelings for me - which given our relationship was mind blowing to me. Yeah. I think you're right! I really just need to let those moments pass, and I did. I could only think she was/possibly is. That's why I wanted to write this out, because I think I'm just screwing with myself lately. Doing that 'remembering the good times only' thing. It's so easy to do, and to give excuses to someone who's not good. I just don't know if it's true with her. At the same time, I've heard many times that there's usually no closure with someone who is a socio/narc because they're so overtly rational, therefore are never the bad guy. It's like you're the stupid one for having assumed that person meant what they were actually doing - which is gaslighting, and when I really think about it, that is totally what she did. She started flirting with me. She was so interested in my sexuality/sex life. Insanely touchy feely. Treated our relationship as if it were a long distance one - constant texting. Acting like she wanted to hang out/do things when she never really kept her word, except for the few times we actually did hang out, and times we had to be together for the project. Other times, she would make plans with me, and when the day came, keep me hanging on a string for when she could go until the VERY last minute, and then cancel or just not say anything. She did that at least 3 times. I overlooked it because I liked her so much. I'd usually never let anyone do that to me. It was the last time she did it that I wrote that email. I'd been on a really long vacation. Before I left, she was acting upset that I was going, worried that I was going with my best friend. She didn't text me for most of the trip, and then I caved and texted her. Then we were talking non stop again, probably because of me. I always kept going back for more. But it turned into her texting me about her day, pictures of her and her friend at some event, and a long driving night of me having a seemingly deep conversation with her where she was telling me that she liked someone, but they were older than her and weren't into dating younger people (this is something I'd said a few times to her, that I don't like dating people younger than me, which she is, and said the only exception is when they're taller, which she was) and she was upset about it. Even my friend who was in the car with me was like, "she's trying to say she likes you and you're not letting her know it's okay to." Then it was I miss yous and blah blah blahs. And this was all AFTER the insane flirting and touching and almost kissing. Suffice it to say, she drove me fucking crazy and I shouldn't miss her, dammit!! I just can't know if she was actually scared, or she was truly fucking with me. Hard. And that's what will always eat at me. But I also value some kind of emotional stability, so maybe I should just be happy. Omg. You are always the absolute sweetest(*hug*) I wasn't sick when she and I were talking. She doesn't know, and I don't even want her to. My life is so embarrassing to me right now. She's doing things I want to be doing, and hopefully will get to again someday. Sometimes I think I got so sick over what happened with her. Not solely from what she did, though it was a lot. I think it was traumatic to be so lead on and then told that reality wasn't actually real. But I also had to deal with my sexuality questioning, which added a really deep level of depression and confusion. I can't imagine what I did to my body and immune system from being so low. I wasn't even taking care of myself. I was doing everything I shouldn't have been to my body while it need extra care from all the stress. I'm really glad I talked this out. As much as I wanted to maybe reconnect, it once again seems like it would be entirely insane. You all are awesome and the best(*hug*)(*hug*)
