Accepting It

I find it interesting that you have romantic feelings for women, stronger sexual feelings for men, but no romantic feelings (at least that you'll be open to) for men.

I thought romantic feelings and sexual feelings went together, but after reading many people describe this separation of things like you have, I think maybe what you described may be pretty common.

So others may have better insights on this than I do, but I do have one question for you. Have you ever had at least one close male (platonic) friend? I'm curious, if there ever has been an emotional bond between you and another male.

 

OK, so that explains that you're not totally isolated from men. So I guess it's quite possible that you have one set of physical needs, and emotional needs that have another focus.

I am still confused about people with this situation find ways to deal with it. It's just something I haven't faced myself, and I have a bit of trouble imagining it emotionally. I get it intellectually, but that's about it.

 

I think you should consider another perspective.

After I came out of the closet, I started to allow myself to check out men more when I'm out in public. I realized that I hadn't been really doing that during my closeted years. I'm not talking about looking at their body parts like chests, abs, legs, and basket. Of course I did that too, but I began really looking at faces. I was surprised to find immediately that I wasn't seeing anything that attracted me. But I just relaxed about it and kept looking. After a while I would start to notice little things, certain facial features and face types. After a couple of months of doing this, I started to recognize faces that I thought were cute or particularly good looking to me, and then feelings started to follow these thoughts. Just like butterflies in the stomach. I totally feel the attraction now, but I didn't before.

You might consider that you aren't seeing guys that attract you because you are not letting yourself look at guys that way. Coming out of the closet after truly accepting myself as being gay made the difference for me in how I was able to then give myself permission to really look at guys.

As for acceptance, I'm afraid there are no magic words from anyone here that can give you acceptance of being gay. Acceptance comes from within. It's right where it has always been, right inside you. Finding that acceptance for me required that I accept that I was born this way, I didn't choose it, and I can't unchoose it. I tried doing that, but it didn't work. I had to cast off the shame of being gay, and the guilt for having stayed in denial and in the closet for all these years.

But that's how I found acceptance. You will need to find it for yourself, and it may take more time.

 

OP I relate to you .

I'm 41, and after 25 years of struggling with this, I can tell you for sure, my romantic and sexual feelings don't often work together. I believe it's a form of bi-sexuality. And trying to fit yourself into a "gay" or "straight" box is probably never going to feel quite right.

Generally, I prefer the company of women. I find them more physically attractive. I'm talking about their faces, the way they present themselves, the way they smile, and their body shapes. I like boobs too. I'm definitely a boobs guy lol. And I very rarely meet a woman that I wouldn't like to see naked. But I struggle being intimate with women, particularly with intercourse. I feel weird and uncomfortable doing it. Frankly, I've pretty much stopped. I'm super fortunate that I have an understanding girlfriend who's comfortable with my truth, but that's another conversation.

I also get butterflies around certain women. I get crushes on them. I get jealous over them. I feel romantic attraction toward them. But again, I've accepted that I don't want to have intercourse with them. Honestly, I'm uncomfortable with vagainas almost entirely.

Men however, like you say, ALMOST completely opposite. I rarely see a guy and think "he's cute". Facial hair turns me off. And I generally just don't have cuddle-type feelings toward men. But I like penises. And my sexual fantasies are almost exclusively about men. I crave friends-with-benefits type relationships with them, not random closeted hook ups, but I just don't have romantic-cuddly-butterfly feelings for men. I wish I did. Sometimes I try even.

I wish I was just gay. My life would be so much easier. I wish I could just crush on guys and maybe even fall in love with one. My sexual urges to be with men are so strong that I can't really wrap my mind around being completely straight, but I think I would be happy if I could just snap my fingers and feel romantic attraction toward men.

At 41, I can tell you that it's really frustrating to be in this situation. I'm sick to death of being told that I'm "in the process of coming out to myself" and that I'm "fighting attraction to men". I'm not. I wish for it. It's just not happening for me.

Enough of my ranting. I wish I had more answers for you, but many of them elude me also, and I am out to a few people and have been for some time. I have real world gay friends, and I have real world straight friends, yet nobody like me. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one. Perhaps that can help you accept your situation a little better. People like us get lonely. And I think I have it better than many that way, so I count my blessings.

I'm here if you want to talk.

 

Yeah OP: I am two years younger than you and I haven't done any of the experimentation stuff with other guys yet, but I identify very much with what you're saying. There's the logical part that any outsider would look and say, "you're gay, man -- it's just what it is." And it probably is and I'm just not there yet. But right now, it just doesn't feel like it when I'm out in the world - who I notice, who I think about, who makes my heart race and butterflies in my stomach, who I want to kiss, who I want to touch me. It doesn't add up for me with certain other sexual stuff. It's really hard to not dwell on it and I've really run myself through the ringer about it, at times just feeling like a defective human incapable of having a lasting connection with anyone. Because I agree with muffinkicker, it would be easier if I just wanted to be with guys period. It's nice to know that there are others who experience the same thing because for a long time I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, or that maybe I was abused or something and somehow completely blocked it out.

 

I can identify strongly with IAMGAY47. I look at women all the time, I love their asses and leg shape. I wish I looked like that! But if I try to imagine having sex with them, I just fall flat. I've pretty much stopped having sex with my wife, but we were down to once a year for a number of years anyway. I've been trying to see which men I find attractive, because I think most men look like slobs, but I've found that there are some. I think Lee Pace is gorgeous! He's on Halt and Catch Fire, and was in the Hobbit as the leader of the Elves. I don't find Brad Pitt attractive, or many of the others that women do. I love being around women, prefer them as therapists and friends, but that's it. I want sex with men.

 

I am going to weigh in here as a bisexual. I have been married for over 30 years and still find my wife attractive. Other women too.

But, I became obsessed with the idea of having sex with men. So, with my wife's permission, I started fooling around with guys. Well, I have been with a half dozen guys in the past month or so. I am finding that a lot of my desire was simply curiosity. Having sampled a bit, I am becoming less interested in men. Don't get me wrong, there is a type of guy that I find so attractive, I can hardly stand it. But, it is a very particular type of man. I have always had a limited window of attraction for a type of woman too...so it is not surprising.

Perhaps some of us are over-invested in trying to understand our sexual attractions. As Imgay pointed out, looking at the whole person may be necessary to understand what we really feel. Maybe some of us could be quite gay, or quite straight for that matter, when the right person pushes the right buttons. For me, I have quit trying to define what my attraction means...I am just not ever going to come up with the answer.

 

So much in this thread is me and I'm also totally unsure how to proceed. I have "GAY" up there on my profile thing but it really only half fits. Most of the time I want - in my head - sex with other men. But real life is never what I think it will be. Then I drown in guilt and shame for months and go through an entire "but am I really..." period where I almost convince myself the whole thing wasn't even real. To top it off, I seem to be totally void of romantic emotion for anyone of either gender - yet have always been far more comfortable being around and with woman. So yeah, while I am "GAY", I really don't know if that's how I work in any practical way. That sounds so dumb it's stupid!

 

This does not sound dumb. But what we have to realize is that trying to figure out our attractions while still closeted and acting in such heteronormative ways, we're naturally going to fight ourselves over it. For example, I've spent so much time in trying to "look straight" that it still is a major factor in my public personality. It's slowly changing as I have come out, but it's still there for me right now in many ways. Another example is my tendency through the years to avoid looking at men very much. That's closeted behavior. As I said earlier in this thread, when you can finally allow yourself to look, things change.

"I seem to be totally void of romantic emotion for anyone of either gender." I think this is still caused by closeted behavior.

 

Yeah, you're probably right. And I think I do many of the same things you mention - trying to look straight in particular. I'm not really fighting hard at this one - I'm not overtly fem or stereotypical - but there is a lot of watching myself involved and after a while it's difficult to see what's YOU and what's the you that you show to everyone else. I fear sometimes that I'll be one of those people that really never feels comfortable under any label and because of it, I'll miss out on everything I went looking to find.

 

I can definitely identify with a lot of the posts in this thread, so I figured I'd weigh in.

These days, I see men and women that I think are attractive, but the idea of dating or having sex with anyone makes me a bit queasy. I feel pretty strange and removed from the romantic realm.

The only thing I really long for is to cuddle and spend time with my ex-wife, who I still love very much despite having left her to "explore my sexuality." And there are times when I crave gay sex, but it doesn't happen too often, maybe 1-2 times per month. I can sort of picture cuddling with a guy, but when I see real guys on the street, it seems weird; the fantasy evaporates as soon as it might become real.

So I'm in a pretty strange spot right now. I've been celibate for around two years (except for a few unsuccessful experiments with guys). I have little desire for casual sex with either gender. And I feel too internally uncertain to go on dates and try to form romantic relationships. You could say I'm pretty stuck.

I've been putting my energy into work, exercise, cooking, decluttering my apartment, drawing, etc. But I can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong with me -- I'm a 37 year old man in NYC without a clear identity or sexual/romantic desires. It bums me out a lot, and it's not really something you can talk about with anyone except a therapist.

I think Imgay's advice is good -- I try to let myself look and fantasize. But I'm always super self-conscious that someone will catch me looking. And there's a pretty wide gulf between fantasy and reality.

Logically, like you, I believe that I'm gay. But I also don't know what to do in order to kickstart that part of myself. There's just too much anxiety for me around dating and sex.

 

Reading this thread I wanted to comment on several of the posts, but decided to wait until I finished and pick 1. I can't decide now. The good thing about coming to E.C. & sites like it. Is until I started. I felt so alone. I thought I was so far out there that no one knew how I felt. If anything ever made me feel not alone this thread did. I'vie heard so many thoughts I have had myself when I was young that it has almost stifled me. I was also surprised to hear some think they were gay yet never considered they were bi sexual.The thread starter for example. (Tvbm26) I guess it's simpler to look at it as black or white than examine the gray area. I wish I could meet this person & have A long discussion about it. I would like to at least suggest he try dating A cross dresser or trans sexual. He may find just what he's looking for in both sexes. Don't take this as advice, just an observation on my part.

P.S. Your shouldn't accept anything just yet. You need to explore all the possibilities first.

 

Hi,
I am just coming out and accepting myself but a few months ago I posted something similar. I always look at women, I I can't accept its who I am, I don't check out men...

One poster, whizbang responded :

When I read whizbang's words a few months ago I didn't want to believe it, and never would have believed it, but now that I have accepted myself as gay everything whizbang has said is true.

Like you I couldn't imagine snuggling with a guy. I accepted my gay sexual urges. for awhile I even accepted that I was gay. It was very hard, and I am not fully out yet, but right now I have not only accepted my sexuality, I LOVE the fact that I am gay -I realized it was only way I could ever find intimacy. Once I not only accepted it but started to love being gay - realizing that's how I am -I realized I find women beautiful but not only am I not into them sexually but I am not into them romantically.

I was literally scared at the torrent of emotions that came out once this happened. I found myself dreaming about snuggling with guys and even holding hands and finding electric. It was so strong I halted coming out - I am so scared of how passionately I feel. But like SiennaFire says, coming out later in live is a second adolescence.

---------- Post added 1st Oct 2016 at 08:46 PM ----------

Tvmb26,
Do you view porn?

When I tried to come to terms with being gay , I actually abstained from sex because I thought I had a porn addiction or masturbation fantasy. It could be very possible you have one- you're into girls but you've gotten hooked on porn or masturbation about guys. But based on your real life experiences, I would say this is unlikely.

But it might not hurt to try to abstain and figure things out. I abstained from masturbation and porn for three months, I thought this would 'cure' me of my gay sex fantasies but during that time I was reading posts of people coming out here and every day it became more and more obvious that I was gay.

I have one other suggestion which might not be so welcome here, but you choose the life you want- if you want to get married to a woman and raise a family you just have to decide that is what you want other desires and wants are not as important.

 

This is what confused me for a long time and helped keep me in denial about my sexuality. I had near obsession about women in spandex/tights/yogapants. That sort of clothing emphasizes body shape and parts. But then, when I started to really come to terms with my sexuality, I remembered that my mom took me to the ballet when I was young. I remember thinking the ballerinas were pretty and there was something I liked about them, but I remember looking at the guys 'down there' and even though I hadn't hit puberty, it was fascinated and got excited.

When I started to face my sexuality earlier this year, I googled some pictures of male ballet dancers wearing tights.....oh ... my... .. not to get graphic but I nearly orgasimed without 'doing' anything.

I still like looking at women but I identify as gay because I just don't get aroused in any way beyond the excitement. There are a lot of gay male women's fashioned designers, this is probably the same sort of relationship with feminine beauty that many gay men have.

 

When I started to accept myself as gay, I was curious, why aren't I attracted to men I look at. It sounds very simple but it took me awhile to figure out. Yes, I'm gay, but that's doesn't mean I want to do it with every guy I see!

Like you I have my 'types" and when I actually see them, I have the exact same feelings, I do see types of women that get me 'excited' but not sexually, which is why I identify as gay. It sounds simple to write, but , I denied and suppressed my sexuality for years and it took a long time to figure out.

 

Whatever happened to the thread starter Tvmb26 how did this get to be about findingjoy?

 

OP: You still with us?

It think the experiences of findingjoy are potentially relevant to OP as examples of other men who find that guys with penises turn them on sexually, but have difficulty thinking of men in romantic ways. My experience has been similar to many I've read here, including findingjoy that acceptance and coming out helped tremendously in this specific area of finding the romantic attraction to match the sexual attraction once the shame, guilt and denial were banished from the equation. It's a big part of the repression that we've undergone in order to be "normal" and straight. Removing it takes time and patience.

 

You should try figuring this out at 56. I'm also married. So its real freakin interesting, to say the least. Many of the things you said ring true to me also. When i figured out i wasn't quite straight and looked back over the years of my life. It shocked me to find a patterns going back to my early teens. I'm still coming to terms with it and the only advice I can give is keep moving forward. See what fits and what don't. If it don't fit move on. Sorry i couldn't be of more help but I'm still sorting this out too one day at a time