1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

my husband is onto me...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SweetSoulJulia, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. SweetSoulJulia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2016
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    northeast USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The other night when my husband came to bed, he woke me up (like usual) and asked me point blank, "Are you a closeted lesbian? Is that why you're so upset with J?" I was half-asleep--trying desperately to escape the pain of what has transpired between me and J. I was not at all prepared to come out to my husband! So, I lied. I told him no.

    The next morning I asked him why he would ask such a question. He merely said he was just trying to understand why I was so emotionally attached to J. He said it doesn't make sense to him why I would care THAT much.

    Ugh. I'm not in a place in life where I can come out. I'm still enormously conflicted about everything. I don't know that I 100% want to leave this life I have to pursue another lifestyle. And I didn't completely lie. I'm not a lesbian. I'm bi.

    One day. One day I will have clarity and find the strength...

    Am I horrible for lying?
     
  2. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    no, you are not horrible.

    you do what you have to and tell your story when you are ready. it isn't for your husband or anyone else to force you or blame you for your journey. you will get to that part when you get there and not before. (*hug*)
     
  3. Linkmaste

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    330
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario
    Come out when you're ready. In a weird way you're husband seems in tune and pays attention to how you feel. So maybe thats an indication he's ready to talk about it? But it's up to you in the end. No one can make you do it
     
  4. Adray

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2016
    Messages:
    373
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with looking for me and Linkmaste994. You have to follow your own path and come out when you are ready.

    I am bi, too. It's not the same as gay, lesbian, or straight. We're not attracted to only one gender. So Lesbian is not you, it's not accurate.

    Coming out has not been easy, but it's better for me on the other side. Take your time and do it when/if you are ready. Also, if you want to stay in your current relationship, that is not inherently incompatible with being bi. "Male" is one of the genders we like, after all. It's all up to you to determine your best path. Hugs and best wishes!
     
  5. JonSomebody

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2012
    Messages:
    1,073
    Likes Received:
    27
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don't know and the reason I say this is because ...for him to confront you that way and then when you decide to come out to him...have you thought about how he might feel knowing that he gave you the opportunity to do so and then you lied to him? Now...I'm not trying to offend you or to be rude in any way...but I am looking at your situation from his point of view. He may not take it very well when you are ready to come out and I guarantee he is going to bring that situation up in anger when you do. I always tend to feel that when you are in such a situation as yours ....nine times out of ten your partner will begin to speculate that something is going on within that relationship especially if its been a long term relationship. You may be conducting things in the closet so to speak ...but because they are also in the relationship..they can tell when the relationship began to get strange and for him to come to speculate that you are a lesbian just goes to show that he is paying close attention to your relationship than you think. I can understand you are not comfortable right now coming out...but I am just pointing out to you to understand how this can be upsetting or difficult for him also. Nonetheless...I still think that he has his suspicions just by the way he confronted you which in my opinion makes it difficult to agree with the other responses that are given to you. However, you do you...this is just my looking at your situation from his perspective. I wish you the best!!!! JS
     
  6. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi SweetSoulJulia

    I agree that no one should push you to come out. And, you need to do this on your own terms. But, as someone who lied by omission to his wife for decades about my bisexuality, that keeping this to yourself will not ultimately be good for you or your relationship.

    I think your husband may know. As I recall, he is aware that you have had attractions to women in the past. So, it is not much of a leap to wonder what is going on right now. You are not a horrible person for keeping this from him. It is very difficult to be blindsided when you are not prepared and feeling especially hurt with the loss of your relationship with J.

    Maybe it is getting to be the time you need to come out? Now that he has asked, it may be even more stressful keeping this part of you from him.

    God, do I know how hard this is for you. Telling my wife was the hardest thing I ever did. Please take care.
     
  7. SweetSoulJulia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2016
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    northeast USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks for the responses and support guys.

    I will likely come out to my husband at some point when I feel I can handle all that will go with it. Understand that he is a devout Catholic and while he's not homophobic, he will definitely not accept my bisexuality within our marriage. He would never be open to me exploring and will not want to stay married. We have two children under the age of 10 and one is on the spectrum. Aside from the unfortunate occurrence of falling in love with J (woman), things are OK in our world. Not a terribly romantic relationship but we're good parenting partners and provide our children with the stability they need and deserve.

    There was no way that I could have taken on such a heavy duty conversation with major consequences in the middle of the night. If I had chosen to disclose at that time (or anytime soon), I would have completely crumbled emotionally and I need to be there for my kids. As it is, the heartache of losing J (and it got ugly recently) and being closeted has taken a toll on me. I need to put this behind me and gain strength.

    If I didn't have children, I would have taken on the discussion and let my world collapse for a while.

    Thanks again!