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It's time to tell you all_ _ _ _

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OldDog1952, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. OldDog1952

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    I have been here for A while. I have read many posts & responded to some. I don't really think I should be giving advice to people, but sometimes I can't help but interject my opinion. However I think it's time to tell the other readers about myself. I'M 64 years old,Bisexual,Divorced over 10 years. Lets start with age.Everyone thinks with age comes wisdom. It doesn't. Only experience. I don't think I'M as wise now as I thought I was at 21.:lol: Which brings us to my sexuality. I figured out I was bisexual in my teens. I pretty much kept in in the closet. Back then Homosexuality was condemned by most people, at least by most of the people I knew. In HS. one of my friends came out as Gay & was out cast by most of the other students. I got so bad for him that he dropped out. I still remained friends with him. And for years after he became sort of A gateway to the gay community for me. I could sneak off with him & meet his friends & none of mine had to know. This went on until I was in my early twenties. I found out then I wasn't really attracted to boys unless they acted feminine. when I started cruising gay bars & met cross dressers and transsexuals I really got turned on They were what I really liked.I even tried some amateur cross dressing myself. Not in public though. The image in the mirror told me I could never pull it off. So I kind of gave up on it reluctantly.In my mid twenties My strait friends started questioning me how come I don't have A girl friend & where do I go in my off time? I realized I was going to have to cool it. Plus I worked with A lot of macho type guy's. If they ever found out I would be shunned. I always projected A masculine demeanor so I would fit in and be accepted by the guy's. So I started dating women & put the gay life aside. I felt I needed to be what everyone told me was normal. oddly enough though I never met one I really felt comfortable with. Until I was 29. And I kinda thought I was in love, but I didn't really know what love was then. I"M not sure I know now.:confused: All I'M sure of is I lack the ability now & maybe always did. So I am what is called Jaded. However back then it didn't stop be from doing what everybody said was normal. I got married. Turned out though, what I thought was love was only lust. Unfortunately by the time I realized that I had 2 kids & A house in the burbs. So you live with it, after all life could be worse. That kinda thinking is almost like putting A curse on your self. That's rite things got worse.After 20 years the sex got old. Financial problems caused a lot of arguing, And my life began falling apart. It took another 3 years but my X wife couldn't take any more & filed for Divorce.:tears: It was A terrible blow to my ego, I had to admit I failed & it was over. So now your thinking OK it's over your free. You can be yourself.(!) NOT! Remember I spent the better part of my life trying to convince everyone I was the all american father & husband. What would my family think? Not only that I still have to work. It's hard enough for A strait man to get A job at 50. Oh well back in the closet.Over the next 10 years I was somewhat freer to do what I wanted. I dated A couple of women but the attraction just wasn't there anymore. I started sneaking off to the gay bars again. I met A few I liked & had A couple of 1 night stands.Nothing significant though. At 60 years old I fell at work & hurt my back so I went on disability & quit working. Since then I have kept going to the bars from time to time but nothing. I tend to limp A little perhaps it's A turn off. I have come to the conclusion I'M wasting my time but what the hell I have nothing else to do & it is fun watching the drag shows.Some of those Queens could really rock my world if they wanted to. But they don't.:icon_sad: So that's about it guess I'M just the product of A missed spent life. I'M not sure if I really need any advice although your free to give it. your comments are welcome.:icon_wink
     
  2. Linkmaste

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    I think you're brave telling your story even if it is a sad one. You may say you have no wisdom but I think you do. I might not understand the older generation on homophobia or heteronormality but I think pepole like you can help us try to imagine what life was like back then. It must have been a whole other bal game.
     
  3. OldDog1952

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    Thank You for your kind words. But the truth is the mind is like A knife, It's sharp when it's new & gets dull as it ages. The point of my post was as I said to let people learn about me. So when I comment they will know where it's coming from. And to warn young people that the decisions you make now can effect your entire life. Unfortunately there is no rite or wrong decisions. It's just action & reaction. What's done is done. Had I came out early in life the results could have been better or much worse.( If If's & buts were candy & nuts, we would all have A Merry Christmas )Oh by the way I like Shakespeare as much as anyone else, but keep in mind this is the genius that said "Get thee to A Nunnery" L.O.L.
     
  4. YeahpIdk

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    I think your life sounds really interesting, and in some aspects, fuller than most. It would make for a great movie. :slight_smile: I don't think your life was wasted. It was lived the best way you knew how to live it. Continue to search for love, if it's what you wish, of course.
     
  5. faustian1

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    Hi OldDog. You sure don't hold back. And your story rings true to me. I'm about your age.

    Sometimes I think about the "missed life," but then I think....you know, be careful what you wish for I tell myself. If I'd been that true to myself, from what I can tell I might have ended up dead. Earlier, at least. And then there's the other thing. Middle age hasn't been as much of a downer as I expected. Yeah, I don't have a cute butt anymore, but then there are some other compensations.

    It's difficult to second guess life, although I'll be the first to admit, from this vantage point it's easy to see where our reality didn't quite live up to our original plans.
     
  6. Adray

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    Thanks for sharing your story! Your experience is valuable, and you are still relatively young. More adventures await you....
     
  7. I'm gay

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    Your story was very moving, and I appreciate you sharing it.

    I would like to suggest to you that your love life isn't over. Your next chapter has yet to be written. You're not dead. That's when your love life will be over.

    You live in a large city, or at least nearby Chicago, and I know that there are many many gay organizations, gay meeting groups, and a host of other ways to be around other gay people. By being active in the gay community, you will inevitably meet other men and women, and who knows, the real love of your life could just be there. Maybe. I can tell you that you probably won't find what you're looking for at the gay bar.

    You sound like you've accepted who you are by now, and are comfortable with it finally. That's wonderful. But you also seem to have resigned your motivation to keep looking. I think that's the saddest part. Please don't give up.
     
  8. OldDog1952

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    OK Wow! I didn't expect so many replies so quickly. Some people have little sayings they like to use. I call them summations. My sons favorite 1 is ( It is what it is ) Kinda simple rite. Hard to sum up A life in 5 words, but that comes close. I'M not looking for pity but I need to add something here. My health problems go beyond my disability. I wont go into details except to say my doctors have trouble understanding why I'M still alive & able. Then again I don't have much faith in them either. To the point though I don't believe I have many years left. Even if I did some of you missed the part where I said I'M Jaded. I mentioned I didn't know what love is. Never did & probably never will. I'M not sure why or when it happened. Perhaps I always was. That's not to say I don't feel other emotions. Just not that one. So the question is how do you find something if you don't know what your looking for. And don't have much time to find it. It's almost A blessing when you think about it though. The hardest thing about death is leaving behind what you love. For me all I have to do is let go.:smilewave
    Thank you all for your kind words & well wishes, but as my son said, It is what it is.
     
    #8 OldDog1952, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
  9. SkyWinter

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    You brought up love. I think love is an involuntary reaction, like being scared, or surprised, except it's not an involuntary reaction to a spider or a surprise birthday party, but moral and consistent behavior.
     
  10. I'm gay

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    I'm sorry that your health problems are preventing you from living the life you deserve to have. Sometimes it is what it is. I get that. If you are ambulatory, and able to go out for periods of time, then I still think you could involve yourself more with the gay community and meet people. Even if Jaded you doesn't find love, you could still be involved with people, make friends, and be a part of a community. For whatever time you have left.
     
  11. Weston

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    Perhaps instead of looking for love, you should look for joy. (Hint: it's all around you.)
     
  12. justaguyinsf

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    That doesn't sound like a misspent life at all ... you've tried and experienced a lot. I think you should feel proud and happy about all of the experiences and human struggles you've had, and here you are today still kicking!
     
  13. OldDog1952

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    I think perhaps I never should have started this thread. Some people think telling A lie is hard. It isn't, In fact with very little practice you can get real good at it. By the time I was A teen I had mastered the art. However after A lifetime of doing it. Telling the truth as I have been doing here Becomes painful. All this is because people don't really want the truth. The fact is the truth hurts & lies are sugar coated. Hitler said " The bigger the lie the easier it is to swallow"He was spot on. Beside the fact we think we want the truth we really don't. In A song Paul Simon sang " All lies in jest, Still A man hears what he wants to hear & disregards the rest "So all you have to do is tell them what they want to hear. The better part of my life I have been A liar. Perpetrating A fraud. Being an Impostor. Many A time I looked in the mirror & asked myself, Who the hell are you? So many times I wished that person didn't exist. The problem with being someone your not is in time you loose sight of the real you. You begin to hate the person you've become. So you try to escape the only way you can (Drugs & Alcohol) but you can only escape for awhile. So you do it as often as you can. Which as you know plays hell on your health.Both psychically and mentally. Eventually you have to quit or die. So now your stuck between A rock & A hard place. You learn to live with the bastard you created. Now here's A secret you may not know. What the doctors can't figure out as to my Longevity. It's simple, The good die young & Miserable old bastards hang in there for ever. Or so it seems. I'M not proud of what I'vie become. I don't see how anyone could be.I spent my life lying to everyone I have met since I was A teen. Including myself. I did what I had to do, I became what everyone wanted me to be. With the exception of one person, ME! My God what A great accomplishment. Maybe no one else thinks that's A misspent life, but I sure as hell do.:eusa_doh:
     
  14. Totesgaybrah

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    Unfortunately most people don't get to live the life they envisioned for themselves. My life has been pretty aimless and pointless for the last 8 years or so, I know 8 years isn't much but I fear the next 28 could be the same.

    If nothing else you're story is good motivation for people like me to live an authentic life.
    Thanks for telling you're story.
     
  15. brainwashed

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    I keep a journal. At the top I have main points. One of the points is, "I do not know how to love." So you are not alone with this feeling.

    I can relate to not love but lust 100%. I think about past girlfriends, it was all sex and no love.

    My advice:
    a) I have identified that a lot of my behavior now days is based upon yesteryear habits. So I have a goal to identify past habits and learn how to break them. Example: I dont really like cats. I ask myself why not? I was taught, when a kid, not to like cats. Well now a friend of mine has a cat and I've forced myself to nix all thoughts of "I dont like cats" and find "I like cats" thoughts. I play with the cat now. I'm turning my views about cats 180%.

    So the strategy / technique is, jump to a different direction and run.

    b) I have a goal to not let them win. The them are hateful people who teach society to hate LGBT people. So I do about face things to break habits and stuff it in the face of "the haters".

    c) I really do not like bars. Going to a bar to meet someone is in my opinion not a good strategy. And then there's this little fact that bars have alcohol, which I've come to call "brain scrambler." I go for clubs and causes. Join the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) group in your community. Volunteer to help on a gay pride parade. What am I say here? Put all thoughts of finding "a guy" and "love" behind you, get out there and contribute. Then something might happen, like finding a group or someone you click with.

    Later
     
  16. OldDog1952

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    This is not the first time these issues have been brought up in this thread. First about alcohol, I'M a diabetic I very seldom use it. Bars serve non alcoholic drinks. Second while I do socialize at gay bars, It's not why I go there. I primarily go for the drag shows. Consider it living vicariously through others. Next there is the suggestion of HRC and the parade thing. While I support these causes. I don't attend the parades or get involved with groups. They bring too much attention by the media. As I have mentioned I have friends & family that are haters & homo phobics. The last thing I want to is jump in front of A camera & say I'M Bi sexual. Which in their mind is the same as saying I'M Gay. At my age I don't have many friends & family left. I don't need to loose or embarrass them. And unfortunately that's about all that would accomplish. Last is the issue of joining A group as said I can click with I'M not good in group situations. I do better with 1 on 1 situations.
     
  17. justaguyinsf

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    I think you should have more compassion for yourself and stop beating yourself up. Everyone looks back and realizes they would do things differently if they knew then what they know now, but that's just the nature of life. And if you really feel that you have something to make amends for then you can take action now ... it will make you feel much better!
     
  18. OldDog1952

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    I think the problem here is A lack of reading comprehension. :rolle: I'M not beating myself up, All I have been trying to do is explain myself. I suppose I do feel some guilt or remorse about my life. However it's nothing I can't live with.My life has had A lot of good days & happiness in it. It hasn't all been doubt & fear. As I have said I just want the readers to understand me & why I am the way I am. Yes I have considered what my life may have been like had I came out when I was younger, and as I said it could have been better or worse. However it's the past & you can't change that. Coming out really wouldn't really do me or any one else any good. I only need A little understanding from the readers of this thread. Like I said "It is what it is" Lets just accept it & move on with our lives.(&&&):smilewave
     
  19. I'm gay

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    Hey Olddog,

    I can accept you just the way you are, and if you believe you're just an old dog that can't learn any new tricks, ok so be it. It's rather sad though.

    I think your story is very important here on EC, and I disagree with your thought that you shouldn't have started this thread. It is important that closeted people see what a potential future could be for them by staying closeted. So, however your story turns out, I do thank you for sharing your story.

    You touched on some issues a little bit, but if you would be so kind, would you please explain more about your thoughts on this:

    I know you're jaded. You have some health problems and a disability that causes you to limp a bit. You said you think you have some years left in you.

    Years.

    I know you think it's too late for you. It really isn't. But if you are determined to waste your future years just like you wasted your past years, there really isn't anything that anyone can say that will change your mind. After you're gone, do you really want all who knew you to never have any idea of the real you?
     
  20. BiBiBaybee

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    Have you thought about seeking help from a therapist? IMHO, I think you may benefit from someone who specializes in LBGT issues, and they're pretty easy to find on websites like Psychologist Locator - Welcome / Text Search

    There are other resources like HOW that may be helpful, too. - info
    I don't think you need to be currently married to join.
    They have local and national gatherings and the men I have known who attend report tons of support and love.

    I'm glad you're here, and hope that you can find some help.