1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

37 years old, and still virgin...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mat78, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. Mat78

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paris, France
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there,

    I’m French, (so please forgive me if my English is not perfect !), 37 years, and I feel the need to share my story, because I’m a bit lost right now.

    I’ve know for years that I was gay but it is only recently that I've chosen to accept it. Actually, I might be bisexual. I’m not sure yet. I’ve never slept with a woman, with a man neither. I do not feel shame for still being virgin, but a lot of pain. When I remember my high school and college years, I feel a lot of regret. I did not have fun, and I was kinda lonely.

    I don’t know why it took me so long to come out of the closet, since I’ve been raised in a gay friendly environment. Anyway, I finally did it, and I’ve decide to move forward. My colleagues, friends and next of kin know I’m gay. I’ve joined a LGBT support group and I’ve met great people, with whom I can share things.

    I’ve made other things to improve my self confidence, like going to the gym. I’m starting to feel that I am not too bad looking. I still wish I had broader shoulders, larger arms, though…

    The thing that bothers and pains me is that I’m still a virgin. I’ve never shared any kind of intimacy with a man. And sometimes, I feel it will never happen. I feel like I’ve missed the boat. People say that it’s easy for gay men to have sex, so I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

    I’d like to meet a man with whom I feel comfortable enough to sleep with, be it a boyfriend or a partner for a one night stand. But that’s not an easy task. I’ve been using some gay dating apps for a few months. I’ve had some contacts with guys and I met four of them, but we did not go further than having a drink. Actually, I found two of them attractive, but it seems it was not reciprocal. And there are some guys who vanish, who are harsh, who are escorts…

    I’ve had very little contacts for the last two months, and I feel a bit discouraged. Sometimes, I wish I had the guts to go to a cruising bar or bathtub, but I feel intimidated by those places. Actually, I’d like my first time with a guy to be in a bed.

    I don’t know if that’s good or wrong, but I’m really into younger guys, in their twenties.

    I have an utterly cute former colleague, who’s gay. I had a crush on him, but I did not try to make a move on him. Actually, he has an equally utterly cute boyfriend, and I’d like to have them as friends, so that they can introduce me to some of their gay friends. Well, to be perfectly honest, I’d like to sleep with one of them. Or both.

    Well, to sum up, things are a bit confused. I’m glad to be out of the closed, but I feel a bit lost in the gay world, and I’m really eager to meet someone.
     
  2. Jerry36

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2014
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Ey matt...thanks for you message...i know exactly what you r going through.. Your story is similar to mine...i m off to bed now, early call, i message you tomorrow, but for now, i know it sucks trying to find your way being gay and all, and its a lonely insecure place, full of trying and getting yourself out the comfort zone. but please dont get discouraged. Try babysteps, and one say you realize you r further than you know ..

    Message you more tomorrow...
    Btw, good for you for being out, you ve not missed the boat, there r plenty of ships out there waiting...
     
  3. StillGayStillMe

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Do not do a one night stand! :eek: Bad idea, seriously, find someone you can trust before taking that leap.

    I'm a female but very familiar with anal sex, your partner needs to know what they are doing or he can actually injure you. And there will be NO pleasure in it, only pain, if he does not know how to prepare you or does not care if your body is ready.

    As a female my body has the ability to 'give' more than a man's and is easier to prepare... anal sex with a bad partner it is not only dangerous but hurts like hell... with a great partner, some pain initially (the first few times) and some amazing pleasure.

    If sex is painful your body will clench down, increasing the pain, next time it will be even harder to relax the muscles and they will clench down immediately.... for future pleasure (as well as health and safety) find someone experienced and trustworthy.

    Be careful.
     
  4. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If I were you, I'd try to summon up the courage to visit a bathhouse. As I'm sure you know, there are quite a few in Paris. The only one I've tried is the Bains Odessa, in Montparnasse, which is old and quaint and perhaps less threatening than some of the newer, hipper places. If you do go, go with the intention only of experiencing the environment rather than with the expectation of having sex. If sex happens, it happens. At the very least, you'll have a good soak and steam and come out squeaky clean. But you'll also be immersed in the company of other men much like yourself and hopefully move beyond the stalemate you find yourself in now.
     
  5. Markoso

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2013
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Central Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Bienvenu chez nous, Mat! I guess you should first of all try to find out whether you're gay or bisexual, although you seem to me more on the gay side of sexuality spectrum. When you masturbate, do you fantasize about men or women? Or perhaps both? Do you see yourself in the relationship with a man or a woman?

    I would caution you against brief, anonymous sexual encounters with other men, because they are risky, especially in terms of STDs. Try to find a decent guy you'll be truly attracted to (and vice versa) and then start sexual (and possibly emotional) relationship with him.

    And don't feel pain and shame because you're still a virgin at your age. I've slept with many women and men and inspite of that I'm still not sure who precisely I'm sexually. O. K., I admit it - I'm definitely too obsessive about my sexuality. Take care of yourself!
     
  6. Mat78

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paris, France
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your reply!

    @StillGayStillMe

    I guess you're right. I feel a bit, errrr, a lot uncomfortable with the idea of asking a guy to come directly at my place. As regards to anal sex, I've practiced a bit myself, with my finger. The idea of pooing really worries me a bit (yeah, I guess I'm a bottom) so I'll practice douching.

    @Weston

    That might be a good idea. I'll think about it. There are quite a lot of bathtubs in Paris indeed.

    @Weston

    I've only watched gay porn for the past months. And I see myself more with a man. But in the past, I was attracted to girls. Since I came out, I'm less attracted to girls, but still, I wouldn't mind making love with a woman. But I fantasize on men when I masturbate, and now, I want to lose my virginity with a man. The idea of never having a sexual relation with a woman does not worry me. So yeah, I guess I'm mostly gay.
     
  7. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Always a good idea to be a practicing homosexual :slight_smile:lol:slight_smile:, but don't get too wrapped up in the mechanics of anal sex. First, it's not necessary to bottom to enjoy gay sex, and it's probably not even a good idea for a first encounter. (If you do bottom, make sure you use protection.) Second, although no one (well, almost no one) wants to be inundated with unpleasant bodily fluids, most experienced tops expect that there will occasionally be a little "mess" — they just deal with it. No need to feel embarrassed.
     
  8. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I guess that's one advantage of being a parent. I'm way past being squeamish about bodily fluids and a little poop. :eek:
     
  9. Mat78

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paris, France
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your pieces of advice. Actually, the "technical" stuff used to worry me a lot. But it does not worry me a lot now. I've found some very useful articles on Internet on that matter!

    What worries me now is to find a partner. Gay dating is quite harsh, sometimes. When I'm asked by a guy on dating app if if I'm top or bottom, I'm usually honest and tell the guy that I've never had sex with a guy, and the the guy vanishes. Some of my friends tell me to drink, get drunk, chill out and go to the bed with a guy. I'm not sure that's a good piece of advice.
     
  10. Bouldghirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2015
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    Cardiff
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Mat - sometimes friends advice may not be the best. I think you have already decided that you no longer want to be a virgin. Next - where do you go from here? This gets tricky for me as I am a Scottish lesbian living in Wales so maybe not your best guide. Others who have posted are far more practical than I am but whatever you decide, do it sober, do it for pleasure and do it for you. Bonne chance!!
     
  11. Mat78

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Paris, France
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, now, I guess I should meet guys and when I find the right one, I'll tell him that I want to sleep with him, and I'll lose my virginity. It sounds quite simple, actually! I was on a good track before Summer, but since a few weeks, I've been discouraged, and I haven't meet anyone.