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I am weird...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by StillGayStillMe, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. StillGayStillMe

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    So that title looks like it's from someone who is 'new' to coming out, no I've been out to my family for nearly 30 years. The problem is I just don't really fit anywhere. I have had several relationships but I seem to be too strange to stay with long, my longest relationship was 5 years and she just walked out without even saying there was a problem.

    I'll tell you a small bit about me and you'll see why I am weird... this is your chance to bail before a long and probably boring story.

    I have been attracted to women since before I even understood sex... I used to steal my dad's Vargas Pinup girls (semi nude/see through clothes) playing cards and sit in my closet sorting them into piles of which I liked the most, thinking about how it would feel to touch them, those cards were taken away from me so many times, hidden and I'd find them and try to keep them hidden so they would not be taken away... finally they were just thrown away so I couldn't have them... but one day I found a gay men's magazine at a park and I found the pictures of the gay males having sex fascinating... it always seemed... disturbing to me that men wanted to put their cocks in a female.

    As I grew older I realized it was the way it was 'supposed' to be, I even had sex like that but it was not arousing and I was confused why others thought there was pleasure in it. All it was to me was something that the guys wanted and I was vaguely disgusted by but could accept to give them pleasure. I didn't really date so that wasn't something that happened much... guess I was already too strange for guys to wish to date.

    Growing up being gay was not something to run through the streets proclaiming hoping to make yourself look or feel special like it is for the young boys and girls now... it was not a fashion statement and there was no just walking up announcing it and asking a girl out. Gay dating wasn't even an option, people like myself just remained alone. I was not ashamed of my interest in females, but did not proclaim it, by this time I was well aware I was not 'normal' and it was known I had no interest in dating.

    I did meet another girl in HS that was 'like myself', however she was as confused about what to do as I was... possibly more and sadly I was not attracted to her because she preferred to look and act like a boy, she was even a body builder, had more muscles than most of the boys... which did not make her very popular. Those of you who are 'old' like me know being 'different' back then did not make you special.

    I was in my early 20's by the time I had my first relationship with a girl, I had already went to the justice of peace and married my male friend when I graduated so I could travel with him... it's complicated. My relationship with my first girlfriend lasted 3 years, then we drifted apart as I continued traveling.

    The next real relationship I had was years later and was more serious, I stayed in the US and she lived with me while my husband continued traveling...

    My husband knows about everything it was never cheating and we are completely open with each other. We have an odd relationship that is more accepting than most 'normal' marriages are and I've told many newlywed people that friendship with your spouse is far more essential than sexual attraction. Sexual attraction fades, deep friendships do not.

    My second relationship ended when she announced she was going to move, out of the blue, and go to collage in another state. Two months later she was just gone and never responded to my calls... odd thing is we never fought, never argued... she just kissed me and told me she'd see me at spring break, then left.

    I was heart broken and remained unwilling to date, I was 30 so the time for me to have a child was now or never... I tried to get pregnant with my husband even did fertility drugs, when it was not working I pulled a 'Wilson Phillips' (I'm referring to a song they sang) and choose a guy that I was friends with for years and knew was healthy and... well (yeah, I'm a crappy person) :redface: used him to get pregnant.

    I spent all of my child's young life completely devoted to taking care of him until he graduated and went on to his own life. Then met someone through a writing site and we hit it off as friends then met and it became more, but she was young, I had no idea how young when we started the relationship and truthfully it was a bit appalling.

    This was when I realized I don't fit with the 'current gay standard', she was constantly proclaiming she was gay to everyone (even strangers) for attention. I smiled and accepted it, even if I did think her behavior was odd, although I seriously believe it is no ones business what I do in my private life and feel no need to 'wear it like a decoration'...

    :soapbox:
    I don't care who others are sleeping with and see no reason they should care who I am sleeping with... this is one more area where I'm odd, I am not ashamed I just do not believe it matters. I am me, not a label, just me and it baffles me why the younger gay male and females wave it like a flag and proclaim it like it matters. Gay has become the new Goth.

    On top of my other flaws, my interests are not the normal interests of a 'person my age' and often I have more interests in common with younger people than those my age , I love Japanese anime, manga, art, writing gay porn... male/male and female/female.

    Then there are the sexual behavior 'flaws' I have. I love to do 'everything with my girlfriends', touch them in every way and kiss their bodies... but I prefer only anal masturbation for myself... and kissing touching and cuddling is more than just foreplay to me, it's what I enjoy giving and receiving...

    With her, and when trying to date, I found others just want quick sex... not loving touches or slow passionate love making, perhaps that's why she left, I will never know.

    She lived with me and I devoted myself to her for almost 5 years...she was very needy so she had me running day and night to keep her happy... I completely supported her and she did not even have a job. One day she said she was going to visit her family in another state and would be back, but would not say when... several months passed then she contacted me and told me 'I could start dating people again' and to pack up her things... never once did she say why, we never fought so it was not a fight, I think she just decided she had better prospects and I wasn't enough. What I miss most is touching her, stroking her skin and feeling her in my arms.

    So now I have given up, I don't fit the 'new gay' and dating sites/bars are out, I will likely be without a romantic relationship for the rest of my life... but at least I have my husband/friend and my child. It will have to be good enough, I'm too weird... I wish I had some weird friends :lol: But being gay is only something the young are allowed to be, just like being kinky... when your old you're just a letch and a pervert (lock up your children!):rolle:
     
  2. BrookeVL

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    I'm not quite as old as you, and I'm also male(biologically, at least), but I'm also quite weird in a few of the ways you describe. Yet I just managed to find someone that has potential in the romance area. I know some weird people that have someone.

    No one is too weird to find love. Male, female, young, old, gay, straight, bisexual, it doesn't matter. If you want a relationship, you can find one.

    Any particular reason dating sites and bars are out?
     
    #2 BrookeVL, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
  3. StillGayStillMe

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    I'd be going to the bars alone, very dangerous, and I feel like I'd look like a pervert so many of the people are young. I have no issues with if someone is 'old' or 'young', as long as they don't behave like a teenager, but it adds to the stress when their family thinks I'm a pervert cruising for young gals.

    I wish there was somewhere I could feel safe, a social club, alcohol is not necessary to have fun. I belonged to a social group with my girlfriend but it was full of very young people, freshmen in college, and they were very uncomfortable around me... the age difference between us did not help the situation.

    I just want friends, relationships will happen later if it's right. How do you find people who have similar interests? I've went on a few dating sites, lots of people looking to have sex and many that avoid me because they feel I'm just trying to get them to do a threesome with my husband (when pigs fly!).

    How did you meet Mr. Right?
     
  4. BrookeVL

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    Well, it was a girl, actually. But I don't know if that's actually a thing now(women are confusing). And she was a customer at work.
     
  5. Really

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    Have you checked out LGBT meetups in your area on meetup.com? Might be worth a look. They have all sorts of interest groups. You could even check out non-LGBT groups who have the same interests as you. Meet more people who might know other LGBT people you could then meet.

    This site seems to have a pretty long list of organizations you might like to check out.
    ALGBTICAL
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    Who's not weird? I'm weird. I can say your life, not you, but your life sounds a little more differing from the "norm" than others. But oh well, sounds like things have been colorful. And who doesn't like more color? That's what good stories are made of. I imagine that being married is a pretty big deal breaker. You seem to have had many relationships along the way, but most people, and I feel especially women, don't want to share their mate. Some people are poly and would probably be more open. Maybe there are sites/groups specific to that you can look into?

    I echo Really with recs to find a meet up in your area. If you do happen to live in Alabama, I'm not sure how the gay scene is over there. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable flaunting my gay there.

    Either way. Stop worrying about how weird you are. Everyone's got stuff about them. Some have more than others. Everyone's weird can find another someone's weird. And you have found people. And you've got a husband and child. Your life sounds pretty full. And interesting.
     
  7. BrookeVL

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    I definitely think poly women are what you should be looking for. I know for me, if the genders were reversed and I met a guy wo had a wife, but wanted a boyfriend on the side, I'd probably be like "nope, sorry buddy." Most people aren't into that sort of thing. Some are. You need to find the some that are.
     
  8. StillGayStillMe

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    Thank you, I think as odd as it sounds it would be better to stay away from anything too serious online... my last girlfriend I became close friends with because she claimed to be a Gay male... sigh, left me feeling very strange about becoming too close to people online and that really makes things much more difficult... she was a amazing online 'Gay male friend'... and a true horror story as a girlfriend.

    Still can't get past her, even if she made my life hell in the end... it sneaks up on you, they slowly break you until there's only a shell left of who you were... even better she was taking college courses to become a psych major... :bang:

    ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2016 at 05:57 PM ----------

    Thank you, I need to look at the positive more... and my life sure has provided 'fuel' for my stories.

    ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2016 at 06:13 PM ----------

    I'm afraid it would lead to difficulties, if she wanted to do anything with my husband it would need to be without me, without me even in the house! I don't... do anything with him, it would be leading him on. I'm ok if he wanted to fuck someone, but not with me within listening distance... and it sounds odd but I wouldn't want to touch her after, not sexually for at least a few days... but I have a good life, a bit sexually frustrating, but good. Thanks for trying to give me some ideas. I need to check into groups and see if I can find my place, I am not looking for another girlfriend, just a friend... but then I'd never intended to have anything more with my last girlfriend and look where that led :eusa_doh: