Hi there, im in a very confusing place right now.. I dont know who to talk to. I am a woman, been with a man for 10 years, we are married & we have amazing children but the last few years i have been questioning my sexuality. I know i am attracted to women more than men but i always just thought i was bisexual as i loved my husband. The problem is the last year i have realised how emotionally manipulative he is and i can see now how he guilted me into staying with him this long. I dont love him anymore. I am attracted to women, physically & sexually. Im not really attracted to men, altho i do find some attractive. I have no desire to be intimate with my husband but i get aroused by women all the time. I catch myself checking out women when im out & i have had so many crushes on women way back to about age 12. I dont know if i am just in a bad place because my marriage is over or if i am just finally realising im a lesbian after all these years. Im scared to tell people i dont know what they will say, will my kids hate me? Will i be accused of lying about the manipulation in my relationship? Will i be blamed for the marriage breakdown? Its all so confusing. I dont know if anyone can help i just need to speak to someone & get these thoughts out there. Thanks
I was with my ex (mother of my kids) for 14 years when things finally came to a head and it had to end. There is nothing easy about it for sure. She constantly thinks I just "want" to be gay. We had other problems as well which just left with me no desire to keep trying to make things work. Fortunately, I've always had a close relationship with my 3 girls, and they've known for the longest time that I have attractions to guys. They have said that they just want to see me happy. As far as a spouse's reaction, that's hard to tell. Some people are lucky to have had partners that were understanding, while others have one that just act like complete garbage to them. And of course, tons of other reactions in between. I have no real advice, but just to let you know I can empathize with what you're going thru.
Thank you for your reply angeluscrzy. Its good to hear from others who have been in heterosexual marriages. Im glad your relationship with your kids is good. I think they would be fine with it, i have always taught them that women loving women & men loving men is just the same as men & women loving eachother. But my husband is abit of a homophobe. Our relationship is over for other reasons but i guess with it being over my mind is thinking you're free now to be yourself but im still so scared of the outcome. I tried to speak to my husband last night about how i dont think we can fix our relationship but i dont want to pin it solely on the fact that i think i might be gay. Im too hurt by him to try anymore but he dosnt listen. We are still sharing a house but not a bed, im scared he'llkick me out aswell. Did you share a house after you seperated or did 1 of you move out?
My 2 cents, If your relationship is over anyway, you don't owe telling him about your sexuality yet. Go through the divorce (if that's what you're doing) and get past the marriage first. You can tell him later on, if you ever tell him. Since it isn't the reason that you are calling it quits, you don't owe him that as an explanation. Are you financially dependent on him? Do you have the ability to move out on your own?
Her and I split up rather quickly when things finally reached the breaking point. She moved into her own apartment, and I've since moved as well. We have been split for a year and a half now and don't really talk because things still get rather heated and spiteful. It's very hard to split in some ways especially when you have been with your spouse so long, but with things going sour in other areas, and the feelings of just needing to be out, it has really been the best choice to make.
Hi there. Welcome to EC! Your story is basically the same as mine. Married, Kids, marriage going downhill. (even more so since I've given up trying to 'fix' things all the time) I've always had a 'thing' about women, but just didn't realise how deep that river ran. I'm smack bang in the middle of trying to find a time to talk to my husband. I debate about just leaving because of his behaviour, or actually coming out to him. The way I look at its that he's going to be left with hope we'll get back together if I don't tell him. So I'm debating just ripping the plaster off and getting it all out. And kids....well, at the end of the day, they just want to see their mum smile and be happy, so they adapt pretty quickly. As far as blame, im ready to take anything anyone wants to throw at me, and take it on board. I just want my head to be clear and free Good luck hun. Keep posting, ask whatever you have in your mind.....9out of 10 times someone has been there, or is there right now and willing to bounce things around. Xx Hugs
Hey there! I'm in a very similar situation, straight down to working on it for years and years and just feeling like the guilt is what's keeping me in the relationship. I really recommend looking into those feelings of guilt and shame to get to the source of them. I've lived my whole life feeling like I don't deserve what I have, and if I ever stop to question or change things I'm being ungrateful. I've only now started to challenge that thinking. I think that kids are resilient, and that they value honesty. If you raise them to know themselves and live the way that they see as most authentic, they will understand your decisions. Not that it won't be challenging or that there won't be rough patches, but in the end as adults I think they will commend your bravery. That's what I'm hoping, at least. If you want to chat more with someone in a similar situation, please feel free to pm me. Good luck to you!
For what its worth, thought I would throw in my 2 cents. I'm also married to a man and we have a young child. I've identified as Bi since I was a teenager and my husband has always known this and been supportive about it (I previously had a relationship with a women when I was at University). Anyway I too had started to feel a bit unhappy in my relationship and then had a crush on a lesbian colleague which has made me question if I'd actually be happier with a woman. I think I always thought of my same sex desires as 'optional' when they are actually part of who I am, part of my identity. I'm now in the process of trying to come out to more people and be more open about my sexuality. I agree that kids are resilient and adapt to change. My own parents are divorced and they are both so much happier apart, I wished they had split up years before they actually did. So I know that what at first seems strange becomes normal over time.
Hi all, Thank you all so much for all the replies. Its great to hear other opinions & that im not the only one going through this. Sorry i havnt been on, my head is such a mess, i'm still trying to bottle things up & hide my feelings but its so exausting! I went for a drink with my husband at the wknd & he kept poking at me & saying he knew there was something eating me up & he needed to know so i told him i liked women. It just came out like word vomit & i just as quickly started trying to claw it back in! He asked some crazy questions but i explained that i did love him i just dont love him anymore, our relationship wasnt a lie but the last few years its been more of a habit than a relationship. Strangely he is trying even harder now to fix the relationship! He booked marriage councelling & has been overly nice to me & its so hard because i dont love him i dont want this & i feel like i need to pretend i want to try because hes trying so hard! Im looking for a place to rent but theres nothing nearby. Do i just rip the plaster off? Do i keep up the sharade? On a good note the marriage counceller got him to see how emotional abusive his behaviour is & manipulative he is. He thinks changing that will fix it but im so beyond it now im done. Im also scared to leave cos he has threatened to keep the kids from me! Sorry im all over the place & so is my post! Thanks again for all the replies i really appreciate it.
I think it's great that you're going to counselling. If I were you, I'd take advantage of it to get the counsellor to help you navigate the biggest issues like the fact that you like women, which he is not, and amicably figuring out the kids situation. Don't pretend to be who you're not. Even if you had the best marriage, wouldn't you want to be the real you within it?
