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Hi Dean,

I've been following your posts since you first joined. I'm hoping that you will still be posting your story in more detail soon, as you indicated in another thread you were planning to do. You have shared just a brief glimpse into your life, and I think I share many of the same feelings that you do.

I'm sorry you're feeling down today, and I know that sometimes coming to this site may seem like you're just opening Pandora's box again each time you come. I do think it's important you do continue to come here and read and post. The more you do, the more your brain will work its way through these issues and help you come to a place of resolution.

Some people here on EC are struggling with their sexuality, and that struggle can be about many things. For some, it's just identifying what their sexuality is, that perhaps they are confused and having trouble putting a label on it. Others know very well that they have gay feelings but continue to have a mental block on accepting what they already know. Still others have accepted their sexuality but are too scared to tell other people and come out of the closet. And just as many people here who have come out and are still working on post-coming out issues, or who are now out and proud and keep posting here just to help you and me. There's just such a wide range of people and experiences on EC.

I was a boy who experimented with other boys at an early age, between 11-13. I've known I was different even longer than that. So, my struggle was always about shame, guilt and denial, not about identification. From your posts, I'm guessing that this fits you as well?

I believe my shame came from my belief that I was the cause of my gay feelings. I wasn't supposed to have these feelings. These feelings were wrong. I thought "I'm a bad boy for having these feelings because I'm responsible for them."

Only, none of that was true. I didn't realize until much later that I internalized my gay feelings and blamed myself for them. I felt I had to hide these feelings and never ever ever let anyone know about them. Moreover, in order to be "normal" I had to date girls, and do what I was expected to do. I was supposed to find a girl who loves me, and marry her, and have children with her, and grow old with her. So, I did all of those things, like the good boy I was supposed to be. Only I never considered how that was going to make me feel so many years later, after hiding in shame for almost three decades.

You are normal. You don't need to wish it. And I don't think you'll make real progress on your journey until you believe and accept that you ARE normal. It is normal to be gay. It is normal to have gay feelings. It's normal for you to have these feelings you have because God made you, and He gave you these feelings.

There might be a few people here who would still make the choice to be gay, but I think most people here would agree that if they had been given the choice early in life, they would have chosen to be straight. It's natural to desire to be like everyone else, and to have avoided the difficulty and pain that is our struggle. But you are gay, and wishing anything else is pointless and just adds to your pain. By the way, you've used the word "gay" to describe yourself, yet you still describe yourself as Questioning in your profile. Can I suggest that maybe you change your profile status? Self acceptance is more than just saying "I'm gay." It's really the next step, which is "I'm gay, and I'm ok with that." Making a small change in identifying yourself, even here anonymously, can have an effect on your outlook. Give it a try and see how that feels. You can change it back if you don't like it or it bothers you.

I hope that today was just an off day, and that tomorrow will have a better outlook for you.

I look forward to reading your story when you are ready to share it.

Take care.

 

Hi Dean. Sorry things are rough at the moment. Speaking from experience, those days don't stop coming entirely, but they are part of adjusting to looking at yourself and your life in a different way, and they do get easier to manage. Part of this process involves looking at yourself and finding ways to recognize when you're swimming close to the edge of that emotional whirlpool, and steering yourself away from it before it gets too bad. I hope you're seeing a counselor now and then. I managed to get past the worst of it with only a couple of sessions, but even if it takes more, it's worth it. YOU are worth it.