awakening, realization, acceptance, fears

hello I'm a bit new here
I've recently had awakening of sorts and came to the realized just how gay I am. But before i get too far off in the weeds of this here's a bit of background. I'm 56 year old truck driver in the oilfield industry in addition to being retired military and look the part. I don't really fit the typical gay imagine, not that I really know what that is just sayin. Anyway I work in a very hetro dominated industry, not really gay friendly. I've been married twice divorced once, she cheated and run off with another man. currently been married over 15 years, trying very hard right now to keep it that way. she is my soul mate
I've really known for years that I was not quite straight in my sexual interests.I've played with toys and such in private never out of the closet so to speak. also never thought much of it either. Kinda fit with some of my other fetish interests. But never sought out or was very attracted to other men. Now gay porn yes. over the years my interests shifted more and more in that direction. But i still didn't put it all together until recently. Here is what brought about this awakening. One night setting off in my "man cave" i was surfing around the net looking for porn and grew tired of weeding through all the images so i hopped over to a website to maybe find something to read, if you like lgbt erotica then you've been to this website. anyway i wandered into a category i rarely ever go into and a story title caught my eye opened it near didn't read it, too long many chapters. but i did open the first chapter just to check it out. from the first chapter to the last. It grabbed me and held more than just my interests. It pulled me into the main character like I've never had a simple story or novel do. I saw parallels and similar things that near happened to me way back when i was a teen and it floored me. The story made me stop and think and to look back over my life like I've never done before. That's when the pieces began to fall into places. It shocked me how far back this went. I could trace back to my early teens issues when unattached meant nothing but when put together with other things formed a pattern that I had never seen before. Like my inability have an orgasm with a girl sometimes even in my teens i could always get it up but not always get off. never really thought about that till now in this way or why. But it makes sense to me now. Or my dislike for communal showering with other boys back in middle school, always felt weird.
I'll have to finish this later but it's a start. off to work. ill try to update this later

 

Ok it posted. Sorry about posting inappropriately, I didn't know. I'll tone it down a bit. I'd like to continue where I left off.
Well as i fit the pieces together i became clearer and clearer that most of my heterosexual life was BS and that if I had been able to see this much much sooner. I would have taken a very different path through life. But due to the age I grew up in and the small rural town my family lived in. I guess there really wasn't much choice in the direction I went. As i said i joined and retired from the military married twice raised a family, divorced, remarried late in life(40). Even before divorce from my first wife my sexual interests were not shall we say straight. But I still considered my self that way, just a bit twisted. silly me right?
Well now that i Figured this out it was like is this real? or a midlife crisis. #$% i didn't know. so for about a month and half two months now this has been bouncing around in my head. am I gay? no, YES! @#$%. The pattern I'd found fit too well. I couldn't deny it.
I found it strange that it is easy to accept someone as gay but to accept yourself as gay, especially after so many years. Is very difficult and mind bending. I've been living on adrenaline, caffeine and nicotine since this started. barely sleep or eat. Kinda trying not to go nuts with this. I finally just said screw it if I am I am (still wrapping my head around it though).
Now that I'd pretty much accepted it the question was. What to do with this? I"M MARRIED! Do I pull that trigger and risk our lives we build together or live a lie? I couldn't hold this in. I had to tell her I can't keep this hidden, it's not right. So the other night I did. I have a tendency to walk right into things and not mince words. She took it pretty well I guess cried some. Said she has been waiting for this for a long time. Why the hell didn't I see it a long time ago damnit!? Anyway my biggest fear is her well being. She depends on me for many things. my income somewhat and my medical insurance, her health issues. I'd survive a divorce she might not or least wise not to the level I could provide. After a nights sleep, yeah right. I had decided if she wanted me to stay at home(on the porch) I would. We talked last night and she had come to the decision. That if this was the way I felt the only way to know was to step out there. BUT! if I did she could too. I guess open marriage is what its called? I really couldn't say no. That wouldn't be right. But with one stipulation. We were NOT getting a divorce no matter what. I agreed.
She is still having issues with this as am I. But hopefully we can work through this and move forward. I still have a lot of fear looking forward but maybe with this sharing I can draw strength and see where this new path leads. Thank you for your time and support

 

thank you for the reply. I've read a few things dealing with these issues and have come away with a better feeling about it. Not quite fully accepting it yet but trying. I'm still wandering around say to myself I'm gay wow!
my wife on the other hand seems to be feeling that she needs to seek counseling to learn to deal with it. We both feel that this needs to stay in our home though. No one in the family need know. Some would understand some would ridicule So for everyone's sake. We will continue on as if nothing had changed. none of there business anyway. Its funny too because there are three or members of my wife's family that are openly gay.

 

thank you for the input. you are right as to the economic impact of divorce. it would be devastating to both of us I thought very hard about this before saying anything to her. I most likely would be better off than her I am the main income for the home. i couldn't do that to her and I know that this has really messed with her head. that's why she is seeking counseling. I on the other hand don't feel the need to seek counseling. Screw it I'm gay figure it out, kinda the way I've dealt with other life issues in general. As to my work environment. It's work. I have no dealings with the people i work with after work, most I think are morons. If i had not been so lazy twenty years ago I'd have an education and be working in some office some place, but that's past. Anyway thank you for your input it helps to know I'm headed in the right direction

 

thank you for the response and yes communication is the key. to holding it all together or tearing it apart. no matter what way we go with this I still feel that she is my soul mate. even if we no longer have sex, which we haven't for about 8 years. but that's only a part of it.we have been to many good and bad times together. as she says i'm her rock/anchor as she is mine at times. this was one of the hardest things i ever had to tell her because i knew how deeply this would hurt. but for now we are still moving forward as one. i pray that we stay that way