This past weekend was interesting. I'll save some of the details and just say Friday night ended with me holding my ex in bed all night, and then Saturday morning we had sex for the first time since May. And it was truly, honestly, some of the best sex I've ever had and that we've ever had as a couple. It was amazing. And we then spent the rest of the morning basically just being a couple, cuddling, kissing, getting breakfast, running a few errands. It was honestly really quite nice. Naturally, it leaves me feeling a bit confused. First off, I can't be 100% gay. I mean, I know it goes without saying that I surely fall on the spectrum somewhere. Closer towards gay sure, but the way I was aroused by her and the enjoyment I got out of being with her isn't something I think a lot of gay guys would find with a woman. My therapist has rightfully pointed out to me in the past that my ideal situation would be to be with my ex and still be able to openly be with guys sexually. And he's right. I know her sticking point is being against an open relationship, but I did bring this up on Saturday later on, because I know she misses me as much as I miss her. And to me, if the one thing stopping us is my sexuality, surely there must be some way to find a compromise about it. She wasn't mad that I brought it up, in fact she said she'd think about it. I have my doubts that she will go with it, but at least I was honest with that need and knowing that I'll never be able to just flat out not be sexually intimate with another man again for the rest of my life.
INTIMACY. What may be missing in your relationships with men so far and you find that with your "ex". Intimacy is a human need that I think we do not give enough credit to. And, to me, there is no question that the sex is better when you are sharing with and being vulnerable with your partner. I am not arguing that you are not bisexual. You sort of sound like you are. But, you left this relationship because, largely, you felt like your ex was not respecting or accepting your sexuality. Is that dynamic really changing? Not just the open marriage part. The broader issue is if she accepts your sexuality as an important part of you.
That's something that we would have to discuss. You're right, intimacy is the major factor. I think we had that intimacy on Friday night/Saturday morning, just very naturally. It wasn't forced, it was just there, as the people that we are who are so close to each other. I even talked to her about a guy I had gone on a date with during the day Saturday (she's started dating as well and told me). It's just like we finally let go of each other...and it made being together that much easier.
Maybe this shouldn't be about getting back in the old relationship. Maybe this needs to be started under new rules and you can have it both ways. Remember to keep the communication open at all times. Expectations can change and before you know it, you are back to what you had before which wasn't working. We tend to slip back sometimes to a comfortable place which is not the best place.
Hi Cameoutswinging, I'm the same age as you and definitely bi. I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm in a totally different situation - married to a girl and in the closet and struggling to understand how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life without being with another guy. At least you're being open and honest and at least you won't end up in my position. Sometimes I feel like we live in a society designed for straight or gay people. It's all acceptable as long as u pick someone and stick with them. But I don't feel like I'm made that way. I want intimacy with both guys and girls. And now I've committed to one I feel like I'm going crazy because I want the other - but if I'd settled with a guy I know I'd probably be wanting a girl. Does that make sense? Is that how you feel too? By the way I really admire you for being so open about it and your ex girlfriend is being very cool to be thinking about it no matter what answer she comes back with. God being bi isn't easy. It sounds like you and her have something special though - try to find a way to make it work. I wish I had the answer but I'm in more of a mess than you, at least you've been open and honest to yourself and her. I really admire that.
Yeah, I'm definitely fighting the urge to just jump back into it and go back to the way things were. It would have to start fresh essentially, and I have to be honest about knowing that I still need intimacy with guys to stay completely true to myself. She may decide that's not what she wants and I have to be prepared for that. I'm still confused myself and thinking about if its what I want. Definitely wasn't the twist I was expecting in this latest chapter of my story. ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2016 at 05:37 AM ---------- Hey Keith! So, I'll be honest, I usually find myself way more interested in guys sexually than girls. It's part of why for the past few months I've been getting more comfortable with just saying I'm gay. I don't actually miss sex with girls when I'm not with one and haven't had any desire to find a girl to be with since moving out from my ex back in May. I was as surprised as anybody when in the moment I felt aroused and wanted to make love to her. And it wasn't just intercourse, I gave her oral as well (which I've always enjoyed doing to her). I'm guessing I fall somewhere on the bi spectrum, maybe I'm homosexual panromantic? Is that a thing? I feel like everything is a thing now. I'd still to this day never find interest in having a hook up or one night stand with a woman, but being with this woman I have feelings for was amazing again. It's taken me a long time, and literally breaking up with her, to be honest with my ex about my needs, so don't beat yourself up. I cheated on her with guys, and eventually we broke up because it just wasn't working for multiple reasons, including my sexuality. I guess at this point I figure there's nothing to lose by being honest with her and saying look we could work and fix things, but here's my need. At least she has all the information then. And like Nick was saying, I'd go into this as something new, and I don't want to cheat on her in this new relationship. If we had a new relationship.
Hi again Came out swinging, I think everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum but I don't think it's as neat as being gay or straight or bi. Put us all in our little categories and stick the labels on! If only sexuality was that simple. A homosexual panromantic is a thing now because if that's how you feel then who's gonna tell you your not? It's interesting that u feel more gay but this girl does it for you and you completely enjoy being with her. I don't think you should try and figure it out too much or analyse it too much. You seem to know how you feel and she seems to know how you feel so beyond that does it really matter. If you do start a relationship she's going to be fully informed going into it of how things will be and you're being open and honest. I honestly think she'd have to be understanding beyond words to agree to what you're asking for but in all honesty in an ideal world I'd want the exact same thing you do - a girl and to be able to date guys. Maybe it will work, I really hope for you that it does. It'd be brilliant. Let me know what she says after she's thought things over. I'm curious to hear what her perspective would be. It's difficult when you want what seems unfair to be asking of someone else. But if that's the way it is - then it is what it is. Whoever this girl is, she must be someone very special to you if she can make you happy with sex and intimacy when you otherwise are only interested in guys. So whatever happens don't give up on her too easily if she doesn't want what you do. There might be a compromise that gives you both most of what you want. It's definitely worth having the discussion anyway.
Sounds like you may be a demi-sexual. You want the intimacy and deep emotional bonding of a relationship but the sexual part may not be as important to you in a relationship. I thought I was bisexual but I'm not sure that a label I can put on myself. My attraction isn't just simply male/female. It's how that person makes me feel. Hopefully this helps somehow.
I'm not going to pretend like this isn't entirely quite possible. It's been on my mind too. It's hard sometimes being a person who follows emotions instead of logic, especially when the two things don't match up. ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 07:17 AM ---------- I've been in that relationship before, for 7 years, with my first girlfriend. She knew my sexuality and let me sleep with guys on the side. Said she never had a problem with it. Until after we broke up, when suddenly it was one of the biggest things she would complain about. I know my current ex (we're NOT back together) has said that she was completely against the idea in the past, but she's considering it now. Perhaps because we've had some time apart and she misses me. Perhaps because letting me sleep with guys is better than being alone? I don't know. I know that she is genuinely one of my best friends. Who doesn't want to be with their best friend? But I refuse to lie anymore and say that my need to be with men can go unfulfilled, or that I should do it behind her back. ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 07:18 AM ---------- Oh no, sex is VERY important to me in a relationship. It's diminishing over time but it is 100% very important.
