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wondering

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by KSatt, Oct 3, 2016.

  1. KSatt

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    I'm very new to all of this as I've only very recently even come out to myself. I live in a very conservative area, so I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable coming out as long as I live here. When I think about it, I should've realized I wasn't straight much sooner than I did; however, I'm very good at denying the truth and pushing aside what I feel. I've been attracted to women at least since adolescence.

    I currently identify as bisexual, but I'm beginning to wonder if that is accurate. While I've only had experience with men and I can appreciate when a man is attractive, I don't know that I actually feel sexual attraction toward men. For me, sex with a man is just something to get over with. I also can't form emotional attachments in relationships with men. I just feel like I'm smothering. There is a guy in my life right now who wants more from me, and I'm at a loss for how to fend him off. He's a great friend, but he could never be more.

    However, since I've never had any sort of relationship with a woman, it makes me wonder how I can be sure things would be any different with a woman. What if I'm just broken? What if I'm just incapable of feeling anything? Of having any sort of meaningful relationship? I'm 34 years old and have never had a successful relationship or been in love, never even been close. In the area where I live, I don't even know how to go about meeting someone. Sometimes I wonder if I should just settle for a "normal" relationship with a man even if I'll only ever feel friendship for him...and be disgusted when he tries to touch me.
     
  2. Gunsmoke

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    To me, it sounds like there's a high chance you're simply not attracted to men. The question is, how do you feel about women? Even if you've never been in a relationship with a woman, you should still be able to tell if you're attracted to women or not.

    Is there a way that you could go on a date with a woman or something? Anything that should bring even a little bit of romantic and/or sexual inclinations. Perhaps it would make it easier for you to tell.

    One last thing: you're not "broken" if you don't feel attracted to anybody - some people just don't feel sexual attraction, and that's fine. I'm not trying to shove any sort of label on you, be it homosexual, bisexual, or asexual, because that's not my place and something that you can only figure out yourself.
    I'm actually on the asexual spectrum myself (I'm most likely demi-bisexual, although that isn't a scientific term and I just identify as bi for simplicity), and it's nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. You're not "broken" just because you don't experience attraction, and the possibility of being asexual certainly doesn't mean you have to live a lonely life of celibacy. Don't give up!
     
  3. Landgirl

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    I have never had a physical relationship with a woman, so I don't know whether my low sex drive in my marriage was because I couldn't muster up enthusiasm for sex with a man, or whether I just have a low sex drive regardless. I'm not going to find out until it happens, which does panic me somewhat. What would be even worse, though, is if it never happened at all, which I'm beginning to think might be a distinct possibility. I'm not just saying this because I despair of finding anyone (although I am starting to feel this way), but because the age of the women I am looking for (50-65) means that several have already told me that their previous relationship with their ex was non-sexual, and that is what they are looking for. I'm not saying every woman loses interest once she is past menopause, but it does seem common.

    Based on this, and the fact you are younger than me, my advice would be to experiment with dating women as soon as possible, so that you can get more information about yourself, your identity and your desires, and then choose where you go from there. Don't leave it so late that it ends up not being an option, and you have no choice.
     
  4. KSatt

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    Thank you both for your responses. I am interested in dating a woman. I just don't know how to go about it. I don't even know anyone around here who is gay. I'm positive there are people; I just don't know who or where they are. I've had a few friends here that were gay men but all have ended up moving away, and one is currently dating a woman because his family reacted so badly to his coming out. Do you have any tips on how to meet people? Thanks, again. I've never talked to anyone about any of this before.