So, I'm 28 and I really feel like the last few months have been extremely eye-opening. I'm not sure what happened but it's like I've finally gotten to the point that I just can't pretend to be "looking" for a guy. And I mean I was pretending to myself that it's something I want. I've finally admitted that: A) I cannot see myself ever wanting to be with a man B) That it's not because I just haven't found the "right guy" C) That I don't want keep saying I'll probably end up alone because of the fact that there's no right guy for me It all came to a head last night when my "best friend" (who identifies as a lesbian) and a couple others were talking about their % of gay va. Straight. I was pretty quiet the whole time because I've always said I was straight to them. When we were younger I thought I probably was. The group then went on to try to name my percentage saying I was 80% straight. It's silly but something inside me just snapped and I was quite upset when I got home. I ended up having a conversation with my mom and sister about it (I've briefly mentioned the fact that Ive been questioning my sexuality recently to them and they're very supportive. My other is sister is gay and has been out for over ten years-- I have a super supportive family) They told me that it's okay and I don't have to fit in any box. And that the person I may be disappointing most is myself-- not anyone else. I know I'm extremely fortunate to have family support! ANYWAYS, I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I have zero experience with women (barely any with men either). My "best friend" last night also made a random comment that if you meet a woman our age who hasn't been with another woman and is looking for something, she's automatically crazy. I'm hoping that not everyone thinks that way but it was a real bummer to hear. I dont know what to do now. How do I start living honestly? I'm still working on accepting myself and I'm not going to make some big announcement but I just want to be happy. I want to date. I want to fall in love. i don't know how to do that now that I'm in my late 20's and everyone is SO muchh more experienced than me. Would you run from someone with no experience? I don't even know how to go about dating someone... Sorry for the rant. I'm just feeling lost.
It sounds like you have some great family and friends. It's never too late to find and be the real you. You've made a great start. I'd encourage you to keep thinking, learning, etc. I've known I was bi for 30 years, and at age 48 I've come out this year. It's been the experience of a lifetime. It's never too late. There's someone out there for you, I think, too. I wish you strength and determination in finding her. Hugs , and welcome to EC, too.
Hey welcome to EC. I didn't come out and start dating until I was in my mid twenties so you are not alone. Take a deep breath and relax, you will get there 1 step at a time. I don't think everyone feels like your friend, I certainly wouldn't so don't panic. Having a supportive family is great but it doesn't mean it's easy, these things still take time to get your head around. What do you think your biggest fear is?
I am so happy to learn that you have such a wonderful and supportive family. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Feel what you feel and when the time is right you will know how to be approached or approach someone for a date, friendship or more. Let go of the fear and any expectations. Just go with the flow. You will find your way. Your first time will be very special. It may be with one with little to no experience but you both will know what you want. (And what to do) My best to you!
I think it's being able to fully let someone in because I haven't done that to this point. I'm very guarded and I'm starting to understand why now. I don't know how to open myself up to something I've been in denial about for so long. I'm tired of being lonely but wouldn't know how to move past what I know and meet someone. Does that make sense? I'm also afraid that my inhibitions will scare a potential date away. So many things.. ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 12:57 AM ---------- Thank you for the support! I feel very nervous that I have no experience but hopefully I eventually find someone who is understanding. Where to start, though... ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 12:58 AM ---------- Thank you Glad I found EC
Yes it makes perfect sense. When I remember back to when I first joined EC I think part of what I found so difficult to get my head around was that the mountain in front of me seemed so insurmountable. All the coming out, questions, possible negativity, dating, new experiences. It seemed impossible. How was I even going to know how to be gay. As though when you you figure out you like girls you should be able to register your email address with lesbians.org.com and they should send you a handbook or something. The thing is though you have to try not to look st it as a whole, or at least that helped for me, take it one step at a time, make the steps really small and manageable and take your time. Before you know it you will look back and be amazed how far you have come. As for being guarded you might find that the more you find your true self and feel comfortable with everything the more you will be able to be ,ore open and let your guard down. I'm not saying you will suddenly become an extrovert but sometimes figuring yourself out can help. As for meeting someone, I'd say you probably have a couple of other steps to get past first and once you've done those, meeting someone won't feel quite as daunting. The right person is out there for you you just have to find them. Will some people be put off by your inhibitions and lack of experience? Yes potentially but then they are not the right people for you. Not everyone likes everyone else but I'm sure you have many more positive qualities that you are overlooking. Don't stress about it it will be cool. Are you out to anyone?
Canadian, I came out at 34. My girlfriend came out at 28. Another les friend of mine came out at 33. Another woman I dated just started dating women and hasn't come out yet at 28. So, there are a lot of us out there. There are bi women that have never been with a woman, despite knowing they're bi and being in their 30's. I know far more "late in life" LGBT people than those who came out earlier. It can feel isolating, but when you find your group, you'll realize it's not just you.
Hello, Canadian! I am around the same age as you. Didn't fully realize I was gay until this year at 27. Welcome!
The right person is out there for you you just have to find them. Will some people be put off by your inhibitions and lack of experience? Yes potentially but then they are not the right people for you. Not everyone likes everyone else but I'm sure you have many more positive qualities that you are overlooking. Don't stress about it it will be cool. Are you out to anyone?[/QUOTE] Well, as I said in my first post, I did the just have a conversation with my mom and younger sister. I essentially had a breakdown and said that I ultimately could never see myself with a guy. It's not like it's the first time I talked about it with them-- I've been "prepping" my mom over the past couple of years. I was probably prepping myself during that time too by saying I *might* date a woman if I met the right one. It was a process. It's funny because I have many gay friends and a gay sister. I've never told any of them because I oddly feel very judged by them or like they would say "Ha! I knew it!" Even though I've always been a proponent of LGBT rights, it's still not that easy to accept that this is my own reality. It's harder from the inside. I've supported many friends who have come out to me yet I kept my own truth from myself. Only in the last 2-3 years have I stopped saying I was "straight"-- I just wouldn't say anything anymore. I've been getting little twinges inside of me whenever someone would say I was straight so that was a sure-fire sign for me. I should have know all along :eusa_doh: ... or maybe I did. BTW- thanks for all your supportive words!! ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 01:33 AM ---------- Thank you! It's nice to have support here I know many, many gay women but that doesn't make it easy to just start living an honest life. Strange. ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 01:35 AM ---------- I do know many gay women (I play hockey and there just seems to be a community there) but I don't feel comfortable just coming out with it. I feel like I can't be myself and I just can't talk about it. Maybe I'll find other people someday and start fresh.
Sorry I think I must have been half asleep to miss the bit in your first post about the conversations with your mum and sister. I totally get that everyone else being gay and coming out is no problem but with yourself is different. I definitely had a lot of this. I am sure I was probably the last person to figure out I was gay so don't worry about it. I think I was more worried that I would be wrong or that my friends would think I fancied them when I was thinking about coming out. If you had to pick someone to come out to who would you pick?
You did not mention if you're having fantasies or have fallen in love with the same sex or anything which suggests that you're gay or bi except that you hang out with your gay friends. Have you had relationship with men before? Have you ever been attracted to men or women?
Hey canadian, More power to you, eh? My advice is limited as a 51 year old, Bi Male, but I after reading your posts on this thread, I would offer this: It’s never too late to start living your own life. Also, in terms of inexperience, that is actually endearing and even sometimes attractive to some of us as same-sex partners. If you think about it, the idea of teaching someone else about the ‘how to’ of our same-sex sexuality can be inspiring. And, if you find someone else who has only recently Come Out, your mutual self-exploration can be almost adolescent in its wonder and awe. In terms of dating, the way I look at it is that you just need to meet people and see if there is a mutual attraction – not unlike what you probably did as a teenager. In other words, just get out there. But, I, like you most likely, have concerns about finding people who can have mutual attractions, so I would suggest immersing yourself in your local LGBTQ community as possible. That, at least, tends to take away the fear of ‘but what if they are straight.’ However, it doesn’t change that fact that mutual attraction with another person is still potentially a 50-50 prospect – regardless of same-sex or opposite-sex. Unfortunately, that’s just life and you have to brush off any rejections and keep trying to move on with your life. I hope some of this may help. Take care. Stay strong and proud!
All of my fantasies involve women.. usually celebrities because I probably felt like that wasn't "real" fantasies. I've been doing this for as long as I remember. The last time I had a "crush" on a male celebrity was when I was a teenager but I didn't picture myself with him. I tend to picture myself with the women celebrities I'm attracted to. I've never had a relationship with a man. Not even close. The closest I came was when I was 19 and we didn't even kiss. We just texted a lot and hung out a few times. Looking back, I realize that I've had crushes on some of my female friends. I would think about them all the time, try to hang out a lot, and wonder why they didn't care nearly as much as I did. I pictured myself with a couple of them, as well. I really don't know what I was telling myself at the time that made me think I wasn't gay when I was clearly thinking about them as more than friends... ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2016 at 01:32 PM ---------- Wow. Thank you, Quantumreality. Your response means a lot to me. I guess the fear of the unknown is what's taking over my mind, right now. I'll have to push myself out of my comfort zone to "get out there" but I'm sure it'll be worth it in the end. It's just a matter of actually doing it. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2016 at 01:35 PM ---------- I'm not sure about that one. I guess living my life honestly is the goal. But part of me just hopes to find someone so that I can just be in a relationship that I can tell people about. With the exception of my older sister, all of my gay friends have done it this way. They would get a girlfriend/boyfriend, and just tell me about the relationship instead of proclaiming "I'm gay." This is all so daunting :icon_sad:
Yes that's also an option. It is in fact partly the way I did it, I had told a couple of people before getting into a relationship but then the rest of the people I just told I had a girlfriend. I suppose the only downside to this is a prospective girlfriend potentially worrying that you are not out. I'm not saying it would bother everyone but it might bother some. There is no rush. Take your time. Sometimes it can be good to just let yourself have some time where you just allow yourself to be gay. Allow yourself to look at girls and admire them or think gay thoughts or even just say to yourself I'm gay and that's ok. It can help.
I guess I didn't think of it that way. I can understand that if I meet someone who has been out for a long, they may not be interested in navigating the process again. I did tell my other sister yesterday. She's gay so she was obviously very supportive. She said we should join a group together so that I can meet more people that I can feel comfortable with. I'm sad that it's gonna be really hard for me to open up and still so fearful that it's too late for me. Everyone is saying that it isn't but it's hard not to feel "behind".
It's natural to feel behind and that it's too late but don't be too hard on yourself. For ages I was I suppose annoyed at myself for not realising earlier but then when I took a step back I decided I obviously wasn't ready to go through it at a younger age. I think it's just a daunting prospect whenever you do it. It's been something you haven't been aware of or it's been a secret for so long it takes time to adjust to it not being that way anymore. Meeting other gay people sounds like a good idea. I think it almost takes time to come to terms with the fact that everything and nothing have changed all at the same time. That sounds stupid to say but I kind of feel it's true. The old me and the me now I'm out are exactly the same person, I look the same, I have the same personality, I like the same things, I have the same friends. On the other hand they are different I am out and accepting/accepted, I can talk about gay things and being gay etc. Once you are out there you will realise that the thought of all of it in your head is almost always way worse than any reality.
