I just need to get this out because it is the kind of day/week I'm having. Why couldn't I have just been openly gay back when I was a teenager? Why couldn't I just come out then and that be that? I've been attracted to guys since I was 11, sexually speaking, that I was aware of. By 14 I definitely knew. So why couldn't I have just been open about it? Sure, my dad, the alcoholic asshole who I swear I hate right in this moment because he's half the reason I have so much wrong in my mental health it feels like. Sure he's the reason I had to stay home all the time and give in to my shyness and never really make friends in high school. Sure he would threaten me that he better never find out I'm gay, even if I never showed signs of being gay that I know of. But maybe I did. Even so, I just wish at 14 or 15 or 16 I would have just looked at things and logically said oh hey, I'm attracted to guys, I fantasize about all these guys, I look at the guys when I watch porn, I want to have sex with guys...yup, that equals raging homosexual. Let's own it! You know who would have cared in my life if I had come out then? My family probably, but friends in school? They would have LOVED it. They would have been open to it. They would have accepted me and maybe I would have even stayed closer to them because of it. I knew it when I found out my aunt in Illinois's older neighbor was gay. I just was so curious about him. And that one weekend I visited, when my family was joking around about me being interested in this girl who was close to our family and my age, really I was drooling over her slightly younger brother the whole time (if I was 16 at the time, he was maybe 14). I've always known. When I was ready to have sex, I looked for guys. Yahoo chat rooms, that's how we did it before phone apps had people at our literal finger tips. First person I ever did anything with was when I was 19 and he was in his early 30s, like my age now, and came all the way to Brooklyn from New Jersey just to hook up with me. And it was such a nice time, he treated me so nicely. I don't even remember his name. But it was amazing. So why couldn't I just come out back then? I'd be an adult who is actually comfortable with himself and his life, and mature, and totally put together and having a good time instead of feeling sad and anxious and like I'm going out of my damn head half the time. I wouldn't have ended up in relationships with two women who are special to me, sure, but they'd still be special to me as friends I'm sure. I'm so confused with my current ex right now, so unsure what to do and how to do it. At least if I had just come out when I was a teenager, I wouldn't have ended up in this mess. I would have been sure by now that I'm gay and just accepted it and that would be that. Now I don't know, I could be anything. I don't even want to be gay. I want to be happy. That's it. I don't care about my label. I just want to be happy. It sounds so simple. And I don't even know if coming out when I was 14 would have made sense. I don't know that I was gay then. But damn, if I had just decided then, one way or the other, maybe I wouldn't be dealing with the mess that is my life now at 33.
You just wrote down pretty much my whole mind right there. (Apart from the gay experience when you were younger....I am still yearning after the unknown) Everything is so much easier in hindsight, my Nanna used to say. I'm not sure what to say, but I can offer virtual tight hugs? x
COS - You came out when you were ready. Look on the bright side, 33 is earlier than 43 or 53 or 63 ... so don't let any more time slip away. You can't go back in time and change anything. The time you spend lamenting your past is wasting your future. Focus on the present. Forgive yourself for the past, and focus on what you need to do now.
I'm right there with you. We all have regrets, and certainly if we'd figured out our sexuality and embraced it at a younger age things would be different. They wouldn't necessarily be better. Living with regret is such a dangerous thing, because it allows our past to steal happiness from our future. I'm not going to say that "everything happens for a reason," because I believe that's trite BS. What I can say is that we have to choice on how to respond to the crap that gets thrown at us. Take stock of your life now and find a way to move forward, any way that helps you make some progress toward your authentic self. When negative thoughts about your choices overwhelm you, acknowledge them, and move on. We can't let ourselves drown in all the paths we didn't take. Acknowledge it, get mad and get sad, but then move on and move up. Good luck. (*hug*)
I can relate to what you say. With hindsight I had opportunities that I did not take out of and a lack confidence. Thank you for posting
There is nothing to feel sorry about! All of life is a journey. You make the most of it when you are ready to make the most of it. You have lost no time. Maybe your having experiences now rather than when you were younger, but so what? your having them! And your having them with more maturity and insight than you would have had back then. As a result, you can appreciate it more now and avoid stupid mistakes that you might have otherwise made previously. The past is the past, take advantage of the present. Be whom you are supposed to be and embrace yourself!
I'm feeling the same way. It seems to have all hit me within the last few months. It went from me denying it to myself, to me saying "I don't care who I'm with, man or woman", to "nope, no men for me". I wish I had gone through this process as a teenager as opposed to over a time span of 15 years!! Now I feel like I'm behind, with no sexual or even DATING experience to speak of. Getting a lot of the awkwardness out of the way in my late teens would have been ideal. No wonder I've never been in a relationship with a guy -- deep down, I really didn't want one. I guess a lot of us are in the same boat. Hugs to you!
I can also relate to your post COS, particularly this: I've often thought that if all I want to be is happy, then why can't I just be? Why do need to question, find a label? Why does it matter so much? I don't feel that I could have questioned any earlier though, or I probably would have done. It just wasn't an option for me. I do sometimes wonder 'What if?' though.
Awesome and powerful post. I think many, many people (including some who are decades older than you) share those feelings, and I'm with you in understanding that loss. Believe it or not, it's a positive thing to feel the anger about that. It's acknowledging the loss and feeling the feelings, which is key to helping you to get to a place of loving and accepting yourself as you are now. I'm really happy you shared this, as I think it helps not only you, but many, many others who are reading.
