Please bear with me while I explain, but PLEASE share your experience/views. If you have had a spouse to come out to, tell me about it. If not, please give me views. x So. Husband knows. We've been swapping mails. Typing seems to be the easiest way to get honest. If it works, I am going with it. He's asking if it's men and women, or just women. He's desperately worried about me leaving him. He wants to change jobs to spend more time together, like we used to. He wants more communication. He wants to change attitudes and solve issues with the marriage. He's reassuring me he still fancies me. (I have long-running body issues) This is NOT what I was expecting. And it's knocked me off kilter in my mind. I expected rows and silences, bad moods and thick atmospheres. I thought I could leave. Start over. Move on. (simply put, but you know) We have children, so they have to figure in this, and I will do whatever I have to for them. Questions. Is it possible for a marriage to go to a friendship within the same house? Like living together for the kids, but not in a sexual way. If you have an open marriage, how does that even come about? How can I suggest it without it seeming selfish? And how do you cope with new people in your life? Emotionally AND on a practical basis. I love this person. Although I am not IN love with him. Regardless of my sexuality. He's the father of my youngest children. We've been through some pretty deep stuff. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, or move away with his children. But I understand his [physical] needs. He's only 43. He wants me, but I know I cannot willingly give him what he wants. ((All I can see in my head is Jessy from Toy Story...."I can't go back in the BOX!!")) Now that this is out in the open, it can't be gone back on. It's with us for life. It has to be dealt with. I just have to find a way to do it with minimum collateral damage. Help? :'(
The way that this will go is an individual thing....it is possible that you can end up being friends but that depends very much so on whether he is capable of accepting that your sexual relationship is over, without taking it personally. From what you have written I think that he is currently blaming himself. And thinking that he can rescue his marriage if he just tries harder. I think you need to work hard on making him understand that its not his fault, or yours and that its just who you have just understood yourself to be. Spending more time and better communication will not change the fact that you have understood that you are a lesbian. It will only help will couples who already have common ground in that they have something to offer each other...not so? At the moment he is distressed because what you are doing feels like rejection, and he is taking it personally. It isn't rejection: you have simply grown into a person who isn't compatable with heterosexual marriage. I really think that if you don't work hard on promoting this understanding in him that his reaction may well turn into one of anger. if you succeed, anything is possible and your future relationship with him may be amicable. Be careful of not unwittingly promoting an argument and bad vibes. I could see that you were feeling boxed,when we spoke the other day, I had this feeling that your need for freedom might make you start an argument with him, that you might instigate the bad reaction you were expecting, because YOU need so badly to be free. It would be convenient in a way if things were just terrible and he was a really bad man. Then you could just have that final row and call an end to your marriage. But he isn't. And it's not going to happen like that no matter how convenient it would have been. It's going to take all the maturity you can muster but for the best outcome, make a commitment to being fair to him. Acknowledge all that he has brought to your life, including your child. And that he has been a good husband. Tell him these things. But stand firm on who you are, and what you need: what possibilities you will have after will emerge if you stick to this attitude and see how he copes with and reacts to that. Is it selfish to pursue your own needs? You do nobody a favor by constricting yourself in a marriage that makes YOU unhappy. Nobody can function well like that and it ends up affecting ALL your relationships and your ability to be there for others. It seems like a contradiction but to give to others you have to give to yourself first. blessings
I need you stood guiding me!! Like with me having ear piece! I feel so weak when it comes to sorting this. But I am so strong in my mind. It's frustrating!! Everything is so simple in theory, but not in practice. :/ So I mailed him last night. (it sounds bizarre, but with the kids about, and his work schedule, it's working) I was really open, I figured I have nothing to lose really. I needed him to understand that I still 'care' about him. But that it's just women I fancy/want. I told him what was going through my mind. That his controlling behaviour was not acceptable, regardless of my sexuality. His reply was full of ways to 'solve' everything. Letting go of the control thing....changing working hours to spend more time. And strangely, he says he's 'okay' with me fancying women. He says, in not so many words, we can almost compare notes on fancying women, and it could be interesting. I don't think it's settled with him what this actually means. I'm not about to be a woman-watcher with him and not be able to act upon it. I think he thinks we're going to be this groovy couple, laid in the park, giving passers by marks out of 10. Erm....nope. He actually gave me a sort-of-cuddle while I was washing up earlier. The first time in weeks he's actually touched me. I guess my mail gave him some kind of hope that we can work this out and still be a couple. I don't know how we could though. If only it were that simple.
He loves you and he is willing to compromise for you to stay with hi,. The problem is, you want out. Really out and build another life without him, right? If this is what you want, you've got to tell him in direct manner. Without fancy words, without dramatic phrases, etc. You've got to tell him that you don't fancy him anymore in bed. You've got to tell him that there is no more romance. It's dead. Nada. Nil. Zero. You want woman. If only it only it were easy, yeah, you could say this outright. But, no, it's not. Just be firm but do not raise any kind of argument with him. You want to resolve this in a calm and amicable manner. Give your husband some time to think all of these things. Let your words sink in to him. It's not easy for him to receive this news. He loves you and wants to keep you so understand as well where he's coming from. Be patient. At least now, you are open. There's no turning back as you said. Goodluck.
