I've found some one I think I can call a friend, within the gay community. he's near my age been gay his whole life. he's partnered, but it's an open relationship. I've been chatting with him for a few weeks now and can hardly wait to meet him. I'm so excited but yet scared as hell. This is still so so new to me. I feel like a school boy going on his first date. Is this normal? I suppose it is. I feel ready for this. Problem is my wife of 15 years is still very freaked out about this. On the one hand. She has told me that the only way for me to know is to put myself out there and see if what I'm feeling is real or just a mid-life crisis. On the other. she wants me to wait six months for a family event that has changed dates at least three times, always further out. But if i suggest it's too far out. I near have to pry her off the ceiling for the next hour or so. She has sought counseling and has her first appt next week. I really hope it helps. I don't want to lose her or cause anymore harm than has already been done by my coming out, very hard decision. I still believe it was the right thing to do. I really don't know what to do. I see a chance for me to learn and grow But at what cost? Or i see me going back into the closet, so to speak and going slowly mad while my mood darkens and slowly tears us apart or worse. thoughts? suggestions? anything will help
Overall, I think you are on the right course. You have told your wife that you have attractions for guys, and you are looking to experiment with her permission. I didn't fully accept that I was gay until after I started experimenting with guys and kissed a guy I really cared about. Then I discovered what I had been missing in my marriage. It sounds like experimentation would help you as well. Why is experimentation linked to the moving target family event? It seems to me that she's still processing your message and going through a period of bargaining and trying to exert control over the outcome. This is a tricky situation for you. If you wait until she's ready, you could be waiting a long time. I'm a do what is necessary kind of guy, so I would forge ahead trying to convince her why getting in front of this is a good thing, but that's just me. Your mileage may vary. You need to be a little bit more real with yourself about your situation. The notion that you don't want to lose your wife over this isn't serving you. The reality is that you're already down this path and have put your marriage at risk, especially if you are gay. Best to run with it and figure things out ASAP. Trying to minimize short-term pain will only create longer-term heartbreak. If your wife truly loves you, she will support you. A few random thoughts about the hookup Open relationships are quite common in the gay world, so feel free to enjoy. Have you been transparent about your situation with your friend, that is, does he know that you're a newbie? Probably best if you do. Not every hookup is magical. Some are average. Some are not so good. A bad hookup means that you did not click with your partner. It does not provide a read on your sexuality.
Hey Bhuey12 I don't know if you mentioned if you and your wife were still intimate and if that was something that you planned on maintaining. If it is, then my approach would be a bit different than running out and having a gay experience. My thought would be to work on that intimacy and work on a plan with your wife on how to open the marriage rather than do this unilaterally. Even if you plan on staying married, but not intimate, roommates or best friends or whatever, having some ground rules and limits (where you meet guys, how often, how you pay for the dates...all that stuff) is maybe a good idea. Your wife does get to have have some say in the marriage...right? I agree with SiennaFire on the hookup analysis. I have only been out a few times and my experiences have ranged from "I'm not gay at all" to "OMG"! So, you may not learn much about your sexuality from one hookup. I am not saying you shouldn't explore your sexuality...not at all...you should. But, maybe not rushing into it until you have a plan worked out with your wife may be warranted. That said, your wife doesn't own the process either. Kicking this down the road will lead to hard feelings and conflict too.
:goodevil: The OP has been chatting with this guy for several weeks, so I don't feel that he's rushing out. The quote below seems to be the salient point here. Bhuey12, do you have any insights about her motivation for this constraint? ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 10:09 AM ---------- BTW, what you are feeling is quite normal for somebody who is discovering his sexuality at midlife. Your gay side has been dormant for most if not all of your life. Your gay feelings are awakening at midlife. You are starting a second adolescence where you learn how to be gay (I'm assuming that you are probably gay per your post). This is why you act and feel like a teenager again. It's a wonderful journey to discover our true sexuality and free ourselves from the lies and denial of the past, so embrace the journey.
All very good pointsthank you for your input. As to transparency yes. I tend to be honest to a fault. My issue at this point with my wife is. I still care for her very much but this something I must do. She does understand that. She just can't accept it yet. I looking forward not back I've accepted that I'm not straight and need to move forward with this
As to being intimate with my wife that hasn't happened in over Eight years. Last time we tried I couldn't get hard for nothin. I could by myselfwith my toys or something from the net. And no not straight stuff. Haven't look at straight things on the net for a long time. And no I've never cheated. The family event I speak of is my step daughters wedding. They just keep moving the date around. As to the friend I spoke of. Before I meet for anything I'd like to get to know him a bit first. Just makes sense to me. He is established runs his own business his partner is on the road a lot but knows about this (open relationship) as I said. I'm really trying not to into this blinded by I guess lust as such. I'm really trying to learn as much as I can before I take that leap. I'll write more later back to work for me.
update: Well there have been some ups and downs, since I wrote the original post. so thought I'd update this a bit to get any thoughts on my progress. I've finally met and spent the night with my friend. very new very different. He knew that this would be my first time with man so he took the first steps we kissed and cuddled for a while. then moved it to the bedroom and WOW! we did things I've only ever dreamed of, and a few i never thought of. I discovered i enjoy being oral (first time). we played and explored each others bodies. Well mostly me exploring he knew what he was doing. I just kinda rolled with it letting things move in whatever direction it went. trying to explore and experience as much as i could. well didn't know what i'd like and what I wouldn't. anyway after the night ended we slept. but what a night. I still think of it days after and get chills up my back, in a good way. morning was much the same. loved giving my friend, now first lover. a nice wake up call. but all things must end I had things to do as did he. so home I went. to an empty house. My wife had chosen to go and stay with friends for a time to get some space and to do some thinking about us and our lives forward. She still hasn't returned but I've assured her the door is open. when she is ready to return. We even went out and met for dinner last night to talk ab it and to see where we were going. it seemed to go ok. she still needs time to really come to terms with this and with her counselors help hopefully we can both move forward. I'll have to undate more later. off to work
