I've become increasingly aware that there is a very real possibility that my coming out to my wife could end our marriage. This makes me very sad. I feel guilt because I'm the one changing the game, so to speak. She says if this is who I am then I must follow it but when I found a potential friend. she kinda freaked a bit more. I guess it was happening a bit too fast for her. She wants me to wait six months before i do anything outside the home, think I'll be batshit by then. But i don't know hell I don't know anything right now only that I feel different and I need to move forward. when i suggested that six months isn't going to work. That it was too long of a time frame. she told me her flight instinct was kicking in real hard. Damn i feel bad about this. But I have to move forward not back. She has sought counseling and has an appt. next week. Maybe just maybe this will help. I sure hope so. I cant hurt her But I can't stop this either damn i feel low tonight. Almost wish I'd never said anything
You did good, period. Keeping it in isn't healthy either, trust me, I know. I don't know how long you and your wife have been together, but to add perspective, me and mine have been together for 10 years. It's a long time and this may or may not be a big surprise for her, verses you who've been battling this for a while, figured it out, and wants to move forward with life. You two are on two different pages, even though it hurts, it's probably better to give her some time to process things and figure it out herself. Communicate with her, know each other's feelings in the matter. You both will reach a better place, it just may take different timespans for each of you. Best of luck! Kyboan
thank you kyboan. its difficult enough trying to come to grips with this after so many years denial. now my wife of 15plus years is looking at it as sham and isnt sure what she wants to do. be it stay and try to work this out and come to some sort of open marriage or bail. i really hope counseling helps. i dont want to lose her. we have been through so many trials in our lives together
I know exactly how you feel. I'm bi and married and haven't told my wife anything because I'm so afraid she'll leave me and take the kids etc. I can't live this lie - I'm craving intimacy with guys but I don't want to hurt my wife because none of this is her fault. It's kind of like we're feeling shit for trying to be ourselves which doesn't seem fair but I suppose you've had a long time to come to terms with your situation and your wife hasn't. Maybe she just needs time to process all of this. Sounds like she's at least trying to work with you. Can I ask you more of a personal question? Do you feel as though you're absolutely gay or would you want to continue a sexual relationship with your wife too? Do you think you might be bi or have you just been trying to live a straight life and now it's got to the point you just can't do it any more?
update It was better last night She had gone out with some of her friends and cut loose a bit. which seemed to allow her a break and some time to calm. She is still seeking counseling and has her first appt. tues. she has told me that she has other issues that need work too. She is still making somewhat unreasonable requests/ demands but I'm holding my tongue a bit till this calms down more and sinks in. As to me I'm still moving forward. Planning a get together with a new friend to explore this side of myself with to see where it takes me. I must continue to move forward or risk stagnation, despair and or destruction
update feeling a bit down today. after last nights conversation with my wife. I spent all day at work thinking about some of the things that had been said about me and to me. I'm the one that's bad I'm the one that's breaking the vows I may no longer be able to sleep in my bed. I'll have to move to another room because I'm bad FUCK!!!!! it's my house too. I pay the mortgage. I do my part at least I thought I did. I was honest and up front about how I felt inside. Was i wrong for doing that. I didn't think so. But maybe I was wrong? Damn some days i just feel like chamber one. but not today not yet. I have to keep moving forward I have to. I have a new friend I pray it works out with us. But I'm so afraid now that if I go through with going to visit him. I may not be welcome in my own house. Some place I called home. feel so alone sometimes
Bhuey12 I am not saying this is the wrong thing for you to do. Only you really know what your needs are and where you see yourself going forward. But, moving ahead with your same sex explorations, while still trying to stay married, is probably not going to work. The key to open marriages is communication, honesty and (in my case) an extremely open and sharing environment. I don't see how a relationship can work if your wife feels she has no input into what you do while married. If you don't want your wife involved in the marriage, why do you want to remain married? You mentioned she was your soul mate. Wouldn't maintaining that part of the relationship merit working on the details of how you can both move forward?
I'm sorry. your right nickw. Thing is I told her right off I wouldn't do anything if she didn't want me to. She told me to go out there to find out for sure. now I'm the bad guy. Guess I'm just venting my frustrations a bit. It just seems I'm damned if I do or I'm damned if i don't. even told me to dress nice before I meet my friend for the first time. then turned around and said I might have to sleep in the spare bed room afterwords. this up down forward backwards is drivin me nuts. It's tough enough coming to grips with this so late in life. after thinking for so many years I was straight just a bit twisted. maybe I'm just to honest and up front. But i don't know any other way to approach it but head on. Guess time will tell. Thank you for the input And yes I still look to her as my soul mate. We have been through some very tough times but never at odds with each other. Not like this. Granted it is a bit to take after so many years. I'm trying I really am
Whether or not you decide to meet your online friend, I think you should seriously consider moving into the spare bedroom (and be thankful you have one!), especially if you don't envisage resuming sexual relations with your wife. Not saying it will be easy (for either of you), but a degree of separation can be helpful as you move forward.
Things seemed to have calmed some recently. My wife is slowly but surely beginning to come to terms with my coming out to her and all that it means. It doesn't mean there aren't still hurdles to overcome. But it's gotten better. I don't feel as much of the hurt inside as i did earlier. I was feeling very low for days angry depressed and guilty. it was all my fault, it seemed. I was the one that was wrong. I guess some of that is true. it's just the constantly being looked upon as bad. really hurt after awhile. But its not so much now. Now it's more learn to deal with it and move forward. She just left for her first appt. with her counselor. Hope it goes well and he can give her some insight on this or a direction to follow. hell I don't know. I can only hope. It is interesting though that last night she suggested I go see my friend next week. Thing was we had already made tentative plans to meet the following week, barring any problems. I didn't bring it up she did. Which is good I guess. I'm trying to keep it as low key as possible right now and to wait till she is ready to talk about it. Instead of me always bring it up. Which seems to be helping the situation. I'm still conflicted on where this is going or what I should do sometimes. But it is better today
Hey Bhuey12 Good for you that you are communicating. It is a process and it moves along at different speeds and in different ways for each individual and couple. It will get better. Keep in mind that being gay is not your "fault" and there is nothing wrong with it. It is sort of cool really. Just be careful of your wife's feelings as best you can while still remaining true to yourself. Easier said than done...but it is a good goal.
