Tonight is the night I die

Don't do it. It will get better.

 

It has been years since I truly thought about suicide, years since I felt that I was drowning in a deep darkness, that there was no one to sooth my pains and wash away the loneliness. I wasn't able to see my nieces and nephews anymore, the children that helped me hold on for so long. It is hardto go back to those moments, to find the words that might help you survive just a bit longer because that was a different life, one that I fear touching, just in case it will come back and haunt me.

So many of us have felt the bleak emptiness that drives you to suicide, I am so sorry that you've been in such a place for so long and that it hurts as it does. I wish I could give you more than words, a hug and a shoulder to cry on. A hand to reach out to and hold on to, so you would know that someone would be there to help yu get out of the ashes and give you the strength to try one more time, force yourself to do everything you fear doing, what you need to do to give your life meaning and for you to feel hope.

However, this is your journey to make, you need to find it in you to want to live for yourself, to start seeing a future for yourself and believing that you have control over your life, that you can be the person you want to be. You need to see your children as beacons of light, sources of strength that will remind you that life does have beauty within its depths, that the darkness can be washed away through your love to them.

You reached out despite the pain and it was brave of you to do so. You went away for so many months and sunk deeper and deeper but stay this time, become a part of the community, share with us your story and let others be there for you, not only when you are deep in the darkness, when you are at your lowest, stay here and share with us things those moments in life that remind you why life can be beautiful, going out in the morning and feeling the fresh breeze of a sunrise or when you see the faces of your children light up in joy as they discover the world and find their place in it.

Much love and hugs,

(*hug*)

Eveline

 

Don't do it! No! I know better than you might imagine how it feels to live when you sometimes don't think you want to. You think... what can get better at this point, it's so bad? ... But then after a time it sorta does. At least enough to not want to be dead.

I think you should go to ANY DR that will listen and say what you have told us here. It'll be scary and you'll probably fall apart doing so but maybe you need to.

Don't do it, mate, just don't. I'm sorry it's so shit.

 

If any of us had a choice how many of us would choose to be gay? Man it will get better, I promise. Once I had a plan, now it scares me that I almost went through with it. You are not the only one who is suffering. Stay alive, get some help and I promise you the fog and haze, emptiness, anger, and suffering will subside.

 

Not sure this will help, but I go through a lot of suicidal thoughts, off and on. For me I always come back to my son and dog would be lost without me, they need me to be here. Maybe it would help you to think of someone who would be totally lost without you in the world. Just a thought.

 

Jrockcold,
All those reasons would be exactly the things I would say. I'm not out either, well just to one person. Johndeere is right - how many of us would choose to be gay or bi or trans or any of it? It would be a lot simpler to be straight and given the choice I wish I was. And yes it can be very painful and there are times when it doesn't seem so bad and then there are times when it seems unbearable. And obviously right now you're in that unbearable place. Is that the best time to make a decision about the rest of your life? Is there anyone u know that u could possibly come out to - family friend, coworker, anyone? Could you go to a gay club / bar and see if there's someone there you could talk to. You'd be amazed the difference telling just one person makes. Then you've someone to talk to and it feels like it's not just all in your head anymore going to explode. I'm sure there must be someone in your life that would rather find out you're gay than find out you're gone. Please don't do it! X

 

Keith83 is right, drove 75 miles two nights ago to a gay bar just to be with my own kind for a few hours. Found some cool people to talk to!

 

You've stopped yourself before by thinking of your twins. They still need you. I know that they would much rather have a gay dad than a dead one. I promise you that you can get past this. There is only one thing that is truly unfixable, and that's the option you're thinking about. Everything else can be fixed.

 

I once was in a similar place where anxiety and depression got the better of me, so I understand how it feels not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and how ending things seems simpler. That's the depression talking, not the real you. The real you wants to fight this for yourself and the twins.

In my case hiding my sexuality pushed me over the edge when faced with other stress in life. I've worked through all of this, and I now I'm out and proud and free of depression.

If it helps you, here's what I did. I sought professional treatment for my anxiety and depression. I found a therapist as part of treatment, and after working through all the baggage I was ready to tell the therapist I was gay. I came out to my wife and others, and my secret could no longer pull me down. Once I started getting help, things started getting better.

Maybe today is the day you start fighting to reclaim your life...

 

An existentialist take: Death is the only certainty in life and at the same time its the end of all possibilities. Why would you want to fast-forward things to the inevitable end that its going to come anyway, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 50 years? You see, you will die anyway one day, this is absolutely certain and after your death there is nothing more you will ever be able to do. Therefore, the logical consequence is that you have absolutely nothing to lose by coming out! You have nothing to lose by trying out the stuff you ever wanted to do but never dared for fear of what others might think or say. Remember, in the worst case scenario, the worst that can ever happen to you is that you will die, but thats going to happen anyway one day, so go out there, be yourself and have some serious fun before the game is over! Live everyday to the full as if it was your last one because it could well be the case.

 

Please post back and let us know what you're feeling! Let us know that you're OK!

 

I am truly crap at saying the right thing, so I won't even try. All I can say is, and I am sure everyone will agree....post here as often as you need. Know that we're all here for you, stood right by each others' sides.
Post specifics, post random ramblings....but post. And keep posting until the light at the end of the tunnel is with you, and beyond.
Huge hugs
Xx

 

I understand exactly how you feel as I have several attempts at suicide in my past. My last one was back in 2009 when my kids were 4, 6 and 9. I can tell you from experience, that is no burden you would ever wish for your child. Their uncle (on their mom's side) was murdered the same day I attempted suicide last. When we went to the wake, I watched my 4 year old crying her ass off over an uncle she didn't even know that well. At that point I realized "how much would she fall apart if that were me"?
There have been so many experiences with my kids that I would've missed out on had I been successful before. You definitely should seek out someone to talk to and try to find some sort of healthy release for everything you are going thru. I truly wish you the best.

 

Please post something - you might feel that nobody cares but there's a lot of people here posting to you that seem to care a lot. I've been checking this post regularly hoping to see a post from you just so I know you didn't do it. There are a lot of people here that genuinely care. Please let us know you're still here.

 

I'm really worried about Jrockcold... I've been checking here few times a day but nothing for about 2 days. Obviously because this site is pretty anonymous we've no way of finding anything out.... If you are there Jrockcold, please let us know.

 

Yes, me too. His profile says he's not been online here since yesterday.

 

Hope everything is okay!?
Let's hope he's just nursing a hangover or something x

 

I keep coming back hoping to see a post from him as well. I'm worried.