Hi All, I posted about my situation a while ago. I came out 10 years ago but fell in love with a woman who is in the closet. I just needed to post this here today because I'm feeling a lot of stuff and don't have really anyone I can ask about this. The woman and I have been out of touch for over a year and then just recently started exchanging emails. It was over the course of a week (two weeks ago). Back and forth joking around emails. Then I had to stop because I needed to run to the bedside of a family member who is ill. I got in touch with my POI once I had arrived and settled and I told her my situation. She said she hopes it's all alright and that she sends her prayers. That was a week ago and there's been no further contact. I feel hurt but I also know I'm sensitive right now because I'm going through a hard time with my family member who is very ill. So part of me feels a gentleness too. Like "just relax. Don't take this to mean anything" but I don't know. Do you guys think I am overreacting? Oversensitive? Part of me thinks well, she's probably trying to give me space but another part of me feels like how could she not get in touch to hear how things are going. What do you guys think? Honestly....
It's so easy to read into someone's intentions when you have feelings for them. You are vulnerable in that state and every word, action or inaction can take on some massive significance. It's a hard thing to combat so don't beat yourself up about it, but try to remember that this is all from your perspective and you can't really know her motivations. Perhaps, as you say, she is giving you space to deal with things. At any rate, try not to dwell on it - down that path madness lies
I think you should be the one to initiate the contact again. I know exactly how you feel but if you look at this from a facts only view: you were just starting to reconnect in conversation, joking and having fun, then you disconnected (rightly so) to take care of something serious with a loved one. I am sure she is just giving you space and is probably waiting to hear from you. It would be hard for her, it seems, to continue a light-hearted convo (focusing on the two of you) when something 'heavier' is happening in your life right now. This is just my opinion, so please do what you feel is true to you and I hope this doesn't offend, but when you re-initiate contact, I wouldn't bring up what is happening (if the two of you were in a committed relationship that would be totally different) but wait for her to ask and instead get back to focusing on her. I'm sure she will ask about you anyway, especially if she cares All the best~
She may be giving you space, however if she cared really deeply for you then in my opinion she would have sent a message by now asking after you and the family member. I know that if it was a friend or ex of mine that I thought a lot about then I would want to be there for them, no ifs and buts. I'd go with your gut feeling about her.
Thank you Friesian and Poppy43. So interesting - your answers cover the gamut of possibilities - 1) that she doesn't contact out of concern and 2) that she doesn't contact out of lack of concern. This is what I wrestle with. And maybe as FoxSong suggests, it's not necessary to wrestle with because I can't really know her reasons. It feels like coldness to me. But maybe it is fear. This could mean big changes for me and my life (like a big move back home) and I am sure she knows that. In any case, it feels cold to me to not be in touch but I guess I don't know her true motivations. I will always marvel at how it is even possible that we can feel so much for someone who doesn't meet us in our neediest moments. I wonder what this is? Why do I feel so much? Why can't I ever let go? Why is it that after all this time it's like no time has passed at all when I hear from her? It straight away becomes like old times. Ugh. Thanks again all
Hi, I hope your family member feels better soon and that the rest of your family and your friends can actually give you some support. I think sometimes your brain just plays tricks with you regarding old flames/lovers etc.You know they are not right for you but you still cant stop romanticising them/seeing them through rose tinted glasses etc.
Thanks Poppy43. My situation with the woman is so complicated and sad. It's all to do with homophobia really. She can't come out and that's why she can't be consistent with me and all-loving. At times when she's let her guard down it's been so beautiful and tender between us. But I have to accept that she has a huge part of herself that is quite repressed that she'd need to accept if this was to ever become anything.
Ahhh, now I get it. Until she conquers her fear and face the cruel world to triumph love and happiness, she will be in the closet forever. Seriously, she doesn't have to come out to everybody (yes, I am not very much Harvey Milk as I am not an activist type). I think the question is does she accept herself of what she is? Because if one accepts the way she is and has supportive 1 or 2 or 3 people with her, then, the rest of homophobic people in the world don't matter. I feel for you. At least, you know that she has feelings for you. For me, knowing that the woman loves me too is already a taste of heaven and that I will be all satisfied and inspired. Of course, we're different. Somehow, you're lucky because you know that she loves you too. Be patient. All the best and may your family member be better soon.
Thanks Lora. She isn't accepting of herself as far as I can tell. It's a closed conversation which is why I've had to walk away. The problem is, I walk away physically but mentally it's been hard to let go. I do agree though that you are right, I have been lucky to have had this special connection. Thanks for your well-wishes for my family too.
