This week, I was reading a blog written by a guy who is 20-something. It was...an interesting experience--a mix of both good and bad. That is, my reactions and feelings were a mix of good and bad. The writing itself was good. I wish I'd been able to write as well when I was his age. For that matter, I wish my current writing ability were as good as his current writing ability. :bang: :tears: :bang: Writing ability aside, I am fascinated by one contrast. One tie we share in common is attending the same college, which I will refer to (once again) as Undisclosed University. He is a current student there, and I attended for a year when I was about 19. And so...I find myself interested in the contrast in experiences. My year at Undisclosed University was an interesting period. It came right at the time my nuclear family exploded. The main explosion was over; however, the fall out kept coming. My time at Undisclosed University was limited to a year because of practical financial issues (resulting from the nuclear family exploding) which came up that year. Past that, the year I was at Undisclosed University was one of the worst years of my life. It was a year of profound depression and isolation. (My inability to make friends--which I whine about incessantly here--is nothing new. :tears. It was a year during which lots of things that could go wrong did go wrong. Meanwhile, his time at Undisclosed University seems to be going a lot better. At least, one gets that sense from the blog. It appears that he has the friends that completely and totally eluded me. And I envy the fact that he's been able to study abroad. (I've never even been to Canada, even though I've lived almost my entire life in one or another Canada.) Past Undisclosed University, we have another thing in common: both of us are LGBT. Again, this is the source of some contrasts. I'm not out, apart from a very small handful of people. I'm not sure if/when I'll be fully out. Maybe never. My current status of I like to keep them wondering: "Is he gay?" seems workable, and it's not like I think I have a prayer at having a relationship any time soon. Meanwhile, the blog I've read makes it very clear that the author is pretty much out to anyone and everyone. Which raises one bit of disbelief in me. I know times change. But it's hard to wrap my mind around the thought that someone could be fully out at Undisclosed University, and live to tell the tale. I knew of no students who were openly gay when I was there. There may have been one or two for all I know, but I'm guessing they'd have been marginalized. Now there are students who are out, and having little trouble. Times they do change... I just wished things could change in my life... Indeed, this blog has set off another round of depression--not that I'm ever not depressed, but that's another story. I keep thinking what if things had been different? What if the family situation hadn't been so dire? What if things had gone better at Undisclosed University? Or what if things had gone as badly as they did, but I found some way of fixing the problems (starting with getting treatment for depression)? Etc, etc, etc. Where would my life be today? Would I be in a better, and happier place? Instead of feeling half-dead, and feeling like I have no real options for life, except survive it until it comes time to take up permanent residence in the skull orchard? I try to tell myself that my life is not over. Maybe there is a way of escaping poverty, even with a toxic combination of bad economy and few really valuable, marketable skills. Maybe there is a way of being able to live a few months in Europe. Maybe there is even a way of getting a boyfriend. At the same time, however, it's hard to believe on a deep level. After nearly 30 years where nothing has really gone particularly well--the best years have been, at best, "neutral", and I have no trouble identifying a multitude of "bad" years--it's hard--no impossible--to really believe things can ever be much different.
