31 - Just Now Realizing/Accepting

I have always like women, ever since I was a little girl. Before first grade. Maybe forever. It started when I was little, I remember having girl friends and I think its very natural to be curious about each other. Learning so rapidly as children. Then as I grew into a teen, it became way more apparent that I had a strong interest in girls.

I guess it really all started in middle & high school when one day my best friend and I were at my apartment club house. Her and I went there often, tanning, swimming, drinking, just being teens. We would always talk about where we would like to have sex in the club house. We were rather active girls. One day she said to me, you know we always talk about taking other people here, but why don't we take each other? I think that was the best thing I have ever heard someone say to me. I had always fancied her. Now I got to have her, even if it was just for a day and just for fun.

I often think of the smell of her skin. Even now.

It turns out it wasn't just a one day thing. For her I think it was just comfort, nothing she was serious about, but for me - I kind of wanted something more with her. This went on for about ... I dunno 6 to 8 months? I don't remember now why it ended. Sometimes I think she slept with someone I had dated, a guy I thought I was in love with. I think she felt guilty and backed away from me.

I made another girlfriend around this time, she was beautiful, but she wasn't pretty inside. I always thought about maybe being with her, but never acted on it.

The next time I thought I had feelings for someone was when was 19 I had moved to Ohio to be with my BF I met online. I got a job at this grocery store and this cashier that worked there, she was shy, but sweet, and I just knew she was lesbian. I dunno why, I just knew. One day this guy came into the store and invited us both to a party. My bf came, and her and I joined the party. We played cards and drank and had fun.

I remember this one time we were walking in a field together, not really talking. Just enjoying the coldness of winter. The grass was wet beneath our feet. I remember asking her how long she knew she was lesbian, she said I never told you I was, but yes I am. Most people never think so. I told her that I just had a feeling. I never told my bf, but her and I messed around - I think he knew.

The next time I liked a woman I was 21 or 22. I had originally met her in HS and was curious about her then, but never made a move. It wasn't until later she invited me into threesomes with her boyfriend. Not really what I wanted, but I went along.

I have had a handful more experiences.

It is like my whole life I have been wanting to be with women, one on one, date, be together, but instead I just play around and try to convince myself that I want to be married to a man. I could of had that. With the guy I just dumped. But it just got to the point that all I would think about was women, I had to bite my tongue to not hit on a waitress once. I would go out to lunch and talk to women, or go out to bars and do the same.

It just started consuming me, the more I fought it. The more I clung onto this guy telling myself he was the one, telling myself I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I had to fight off the thoughts of omg this means I won't ever get to really be with a woman. Then it got to the point where when he would go down on me I would image him as a woman.

I just couldn't stay with him. We were fighting all the time, things could have been repaired, but at the end of the day - I want to be with women.

So ... I guess this is me admitting that. Accepting that my entire life I toyed with an idea, and now I had to shed this person I thought I was and begin to learn about this person I actually am.

I am overwhelmed. I am scared. I am angry. I am happy. I am hopeful. I am ready. I am a lesbian. :smilewave

 

Thank You Rachel & Finding Joy. I feel better now that I have admitted it to myself. The torrent of emotion has been a bit intense this week, but hey its part of the process.