Hi everybody, I just joined today, in hopes of meeting people who can help me out. I'm almost 33 and I have been 'straight' my entire life, without question. Problem is, I am now questioning my sudden attraction to other women. I am terrified. It's all I can think about. I am in a committed relationship with the father of my kids for almost 10 years. I'm not looking for a fling, or a relationship, nor have any intentions on acting on these feelings at all. I just want to talk to someone who is or has gone through the same thing. Thanks.
Hi there! Sucks to be us eh. I am bisexual and have been married for a couple of years. There are so many of us here. Like you, this thought is also preoccupying my mind. Hope you find your answers here!
It's okay to be terrified. It's a natural reaction. You can entertain the thoughts or whisk it off. It's your choice. But let me tell you that this is who you are. This is part of you that has been awakened. Why only now? I don't know. Maybe because it is about time. What is important is to accept and to love this part of you because you will never feel complete if you get to fight it or deny it. Self acceptance is very important for your stage now. Are you still attracted to your husband? Is everything good in sex department?
Bekahlynn, you are not alone. Up until I had my first relationship with a woman last year I believed myself to be straight, but have had several same sex attractions since last year and like you have no intention on acting on them.
We haven't had sex in probably a year and a half, but truth is, my sex drive has always been super low. This feelings about women have only come up in the past couple of months. .
Keep reading through the posts in this forum and you'll see that you're not alone. I know how it can feel like these attractions have come out of nowhere, but as you progress through the questioning process you might begin to see hints all along. I also thought that I just had a low sex drive, that the reason I didn't feel attraction to my husband was due to a million and one excuses. Too tired, too touched-out from the kids, birth control pills, anxiety and depression, anxiety and depression *medication*, fading of new relationship energy, being unappreciative, being too picky, being too sensitive, getting too distracted... It's only since I've begun questioning that I've realized that it isn't normal not to feel a pull toward your lover. It's not necessarily a sign of distraction to fall out-of-the-mood once you begin getting physical, it might mean that you're just not attracted to your partner. Needing to focus on being somewhere else and in another situation in order to feel aroused could be a sign of escaping reality and physical dissociation. These are things I'm figuring out about myself, and it's just making me so sad that I've blamed myself for these feelings for so long when they may have all just been indications of behaving outside my sexual orientation. Best of luck to you as you begin your journey toward understanding your authentic self.
I've known for years that the attraction has been gone. The same thing happened in my first marriage. There was crazy sexual attraction, then as time passed it wore off. I told myself a long time ago that it was just boredom in the relationship and I may as well deal with it, cause it's going to happen no matter what. He's a great man, great father and would do anything for me (Every girls dream right? ). I literally cringe when he touches me even non sexually and it definitely not fair to him. I know it's not normal...I know, but this is my normal and may always be. Ahh what is wrong with me? When did you start coming to terms?
Your story parallels mine completely. We had wonderful sexual attraction and chemistry for the first year or so of our relationship. When it faded, I figured that was normal. Every article I read said it was normal; every therapist I spoke to said it was normal. He's the only person I've ever been with sexually, so I had nothing to compare it to. When we met I was eighteen and just starting college. We've been together about 15 years, and we've had our ups and downs like any couple has. However, our sex life has never been satisfying for me, and after a while my sex drive completely evaporated. We've had moments here and there when I've been more interested (getting off birth control to conceive a baby, namely) but for the most part, I've been neutral to resigned when having sex. When you talk about cringing at his touch, yes, I've felt that too and I've been ashamed of feeling that way. What's wrong with me that I don't embrace my husband's affection? He's every woman's dream! It's been just a few months since I've been questioning, and I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or a lesbian, but what really matters is that I don't have sexual attraction toward my spouse. I'm trying, God I'm trying, but it is very difficult. Since starting questioning, sex has been very emotionally draining for me. Steps I've taken so far include seeing an LGBT therapist and beginning to look for work so that I can begin to build some financial independence in case the worst happens and we separate. We are both still committed to the marriage and our family, but we're not naive. This is not going to be easy and we need to protect ourselves. I probably need to see a divorce attorney just to get educated, but that's a step that I'm really afraid to take. I have a close friend nearby who I'm hoping to come out to later this week, but we'll see if I get the courage. Good luck.
No sex for a year and a half. Well, that is something. How has he taken this relationship without sex with you? I don't get it. There's a missing detail here in your story. Is he not sexually functioning? No straight, healthy man will ever give up sex (any form whether oral, penetration, etc) with his wife unless he doesn't want his wife any more. Unless he's gay. Unless he's sick. Unless he's reliously converted to withhold sex to go to heaven (now, that's BS). With your attraction with same-sex, when did you realize your attraction on women? A year and a half, too or just recently? Did you meet a particular woman who you're attracted to?
I see. Sorry about your current family situation. Anyway, as for your same-sex attraction, just welcome it. My belief is that if a woman has no tendency, she has no tendency. Period. A lot of straight women in later life realise that either they're gay or bisexual. Why late? Why when they're late 20s, 30s, 40s? I don't know. Perhaps it's always been there and just awakened. Maybe it's about time. I maybe wrong. Remember, this is part of you. This is who you are. I tend not to complicate things so I just accept what I feel and love myself. I hope everything will turn alright for you.
Hey, BekahLynn. Welcome. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to examine this and learn more about yourself, and also for seeking out people to talk to about it. Good for you.
Thanks everyone,for taking the time to reassure me that I am not alone. I'm probably going to be on here a lot, just reading through other stories definitely helps. I am nervous but also relieved to have told someone, even though it's complete strangers. I hope in doing so I will be able to sort out the thoughts in my clusterf*** of a mind.
There´s nothing "wrong" with you. Back, when I was 26, I had a relationship with a man I cared about deeply but I had short but recurrent episodes of "women centered fantasies" that I dismissed as "irrelevant" but had me doubting my feelings for my boyfriend. I remember thinking I would never have the change to experience those fantasies in the real life (not that I accepted what that thought trulls meant regarding my sexuality) if my relationship went on happily through the years which was what I thought I wanted cause the mere thought of a break up hurt a lot. Fortunately, we broke up lately and I got the courage to join a lesbian chat and finally have my first experience with a woman. In retrospect, I just wasn´t brave enough to face the consequences of accepting myself and desires and gave myself countless excuses to justify my cowardice: I would hurt my boyfriend, I´m such a noble person I put other´s wellbeing above mine, I´m just confused because my relationship is not working that well anymore...... the truth was: that feeling had been there for longer than I wanted or could admit and I was afraid to take that first step to happiness.... I knew I will face lack of understanding and even rejection from my close ones and didn´t want to admit to myself I wasn´t sure I had the courage to go through all that cause I prided myself to be a rebel and a fighter.... I knew from the first moment all that unhappiness and "marital" problems were the result of my unsolved feelings. Ask yourself what would you tell somebody that tells you she´s not just attracted to her partner anymore, but even feels repulsed by his mere touch.... I would tell that person to finish that relationship for good, no matter the reason (whether she feels that way because she´s doubting her sexuality or feeling attracted to another man) and then, try to look inside of your heart and find out if that feeling about women is your true self or not. In my case, I knew deep inside It was the real thing. I had a longing I hadn't felt before towards any man in my life "your normal and may always be"?- don´t do that to yourself. Stop and think about it: whatever the conclusion you come to, stick to it and fight to get it (you have to admit, at least, the fact you affirm "it´s not normal" is an evidence you have already begun to come to terms with it). C´mon girl, you deserve to be happy and we are all here to support you if you need us [/QUOTE] I've known for years that the attraction has been gone. The same thing happened in my first marriage. There was crazy sexual attraction, then as time passed it wore off. I told myself a long time ago that it was just boredom in the relationship and I may as well deal with it, cause it's going to happen no matter what. He's a great man, great father and would do anything for me (Every girls dream right? ). I literally cringe when he touches me even non sexually and it definitely not fair to him. I know it's not normal...I know, but this is my normal and may always be. Ahh what is wrong with me? When did you start coming to terms?[/QUOTE]
I just can't help but feeling that this is not about me. My home life isn't bad, and the kids are so happy. They would be devastated if they couldn't see their dad everyday. I understand what you mean about the longing..I don't think I ever really knew what that meant before now. I'm not meant to be with him, I get that, but I'm just not sure giving everything up is ever going to be an option. I find myself pushing him farther away on purpose in the hopes that he'll make the decision to leave and I won't have to be the bad guy. Or say what I'm feeling out loud.
I am in my 40's and have only figured it out in the last two years. I had no sex drive with my husband-- with my female lover- (who my husband knows about)- I cannot keep my hands off her- and I want sex all the time As for your kids not seeing Dad- try to find a way to make it work- my lover lives with us- my husband sleeps in his own room- I am in my own room. We co-parent the kids- and actually it is helpful to have another adult around. I do plan to divorce and move on with my life with my lover- whom I love deeply. I struggled with many of the same questions and thoughts you have-- He is not a bad person-- I do not want my life interrupted- why now-- You have come to a good place to put it out there and find voices that have similar stories Keep talking you are not alone
I have been in a long term marriage with my husband. We have a good relationship, and we are a good team when it comes to raising our children. I like being around him most of the time, and am open with him about almost everything. The main problem in our relationship is that I am not attracted to him sexually (I have come to realize that it's because he is a man). He is really sexual and has tried really hard over the years to make me happy sexually but by now we are completely incompatible in this arena. It has always made me feel really crappy about myself that I can't seem to ever give him enough sexually. Too be honest, I am so relieved that he has basically given up on me in that area, even though it means he's suffering. It is too bad, and I know that he is not happy with this part of our marriage. But I have not told him that I realize now that the problem is that I don't like having sex with him because he has a penis! This is such a tough choice. I feel like my kids need us and my husband need us and I need us. But I guess that sex is a big part of life and it sucks if a couple isn't having it. What do we do?
Reading all your experiences and feelings makes me realize I am normal and it hasn't just happened to me! My situation is slightly different as in I fell head over heels for a gay woman I work with and it came out of nowhere. Once it started the questioning just has not stopped and the more clues you start to remember, all the feelings that I had hidden and buried away and forgotten about have started to resurface. I had been with my partner for since we were teenagers and have a family together, I had also excused my low sex drive in kids, depression and that's just what happens in long term relationships. When my feelings for this woman got stronger and I started to think about all that hadn't been right in our relationship. I split from him in July and he won't let me go, he has moved next door but it's like he hasn't moved out at all. He is a good man and would do anything for me he still buys me flowers more than once a week, begs me daily to pull myself back to him and not her. This is all so terrifying, my children have been sad, I love him and there is a lovely familiarity and home like feeling with him, but I'm so in love with her and I have sexual thoughts daily about her which is something that never happened in my relationship with him. I feel tremendous guilt and grief at what has happened to this relationship with a man I thought i'd grow old with.
