So tired....marriage needs to end.

Hi Ryan, sorry you're going through such a rough time. I have been in a similar position, having moved out in November 2015. Prior to moving out, we spent several months trying to thrash out some sort of compromise, but in the end we couldn't think of one. Those few months were extremely stressful, full of anxiety and not sleeping, hating to see each other distressed, occasional outbursts of anger but mostly just weepy. Even though you have already moved out, I think it sounds like this is the phase you are in at the moment, where you are both still very focused on each other.

Since moving out, my husband has refused to see me or speak to me, with the exception of texts relating to the care of our adult son, who is on the autism spectrum and lives with my husband. This means that although we are not divorced, and won't be for another year at least, I have been forced to move on, by going through the grieving process and coming out the other side. I am already seeing a difference.

From November until new year, I was in a state of denial, or suspended animation, coping reasonably well, but not actually feeling anything, good or bad. Then in January my best friend died, and this combined with all the suppressed feelings about my husband to give me a really bad 4 months, crying most days, feeling incredibly lonely, and wanting to go back.

Then after my wedding anniversary passed at the end of April, I started to perk up and have good spells interspersed with wanting to go back. Now, for the last few weeks, even when I feel down about not having enough friends, or about not having made any progress with finding a relationship, I am able to pick myself up without feeling overwhelmed and wanting to rush back to him.

Now I am in the process of buying a house. To begin with this really scared me, as it was the ultimate proof I am not going back, a sign of my commitment to a life without him. It had been much easier to pretend nothing was final if I was only renting. I'm still scared, and stressed by all the hassle that comes with the process of buying a house and moving somewhere new, but I'm much closer towards acceptance.

I think because you are still seeing your wife regularly, you haven't been able to go through this stage yet, because every time you see her you are drawn back by your memories and your shared history, and you get another reminder of what you would be giving up, forcing you to focus on the past and not the future. You don't say how old your kids are, so it probably isn't at all workable to break off seeing your wife. Maybe that is where getting a divorce would kickstart the process of moving on, but I can only guess. Are you seeing a therapist? My therapist was a lifeline for me during the worst months, and maybe a therapist would be able to help you work out what is best for you.

Don't know if any of this will help, but I will be thinking of you.

 

Ryan I hope you this helps you. I am not married, nor do I have kids, however - the one moment that really pushed me to come out to myself as a Lesbian (I haven't really came out to anyone else) was that I had recently started seeing this guy 6 months ago. I thought I had found my dream man, and that now we could run off into the sunset on horse and call life good. However, the exact happened after he told me he wanted to marry me. I went along I thought that's what I wanted too, but then I started acting out, nit-picking, being overly sensitive, etc. When the idea set in that this was it, he was the forever option. I started freaking out - at one point I was driving down the road and I thought to myself this means I won't ever get to be with a woman. Once I had that realization, I started acting out in worse ways. I went out to lunches alone in hopes I could go flirt with women. Often did. I would image him as a woman while he was going down on me. Anytime I touch myself I would think of women. It just finally hit me last week that - this is how it has been in every relationship. I am constantly thinking about women, wanting to be with them, etc. I started having panic attacks, which I haven't ever had in my entire life. I couldn't sleep anymore (slowly getting more rest now), half assed at work too, overwhelmed and not "knowing" why, just everything you felt pretty much.

So I dumped him because I was tired of not being true to myself. It has been almost a week since I came out to myself - I am still in the process of being flooded by emotions and thoughts and things I have blocked out of my head. I told him it was all our other relationship issues, I am not ready to tell him, and maybe he doesn't need to know - cause honestly he wasn't a very good bf in the first place so I should leave it at that.

I don't know if this helps really, but just know that you aren't alone.

I think most people who are LGBTQ end up reaching a point in their life where they realize that they have to start living true to themselves otherwise life just isn't worth it. It is scary to finally BE WHO YOU ARE, but I have this feeling that once you get past this rough patch area, and being to truly accept yourself that you will be a much happier person. A few people have told me the same thing.

Just keep you head up. If you ever need to vent I am here

 

Hi Ryan

I don't have a lot of advice because I don't really have a good read on the situation. It seems to me that you are beginning to accept that you are gay. It's not entirely clear to me how being gay enters into the anxiety - depression cycle. Can you help me understand?

My advice is that if you are gay, you need to take a leap of faith and embrace your true self. I know from personal experience that denying one's sexuality can add to one's anxiety and depression and accepting one's sexuality can help alleviate anxiety and depression. Recovery won't happen over night, but you will be heading in the right direction.

HTH