So I have been away for a few years, and having stumbled back I think this would be the perfect place to seek a little advice (or support, I'm open minded). A little background: I joined the Navy straight out of high school, left for basic training shortly after graduating. I was in for roughly a year and a half, discharged after struggling with a drug addiction and being diagnosed HIV positive. I met my ex husband during my time there, and he supported me through rehab and after my diagnosis. We knew each other for roughly a year, before eloping in California and I moved to Missouri where he was stationed. Fast forward about 6 months, I am taking lithium for bipolar disorder. I struggled with depressive and manic episodes as the medicine stabilized, and started having issues. Shortly after our year anniversary, he decided to tell me that he wanted a divorce. *insert generic struggle of moving in with family, two jobs, getting finances in order still, new car, and a few relapses along the way* I'm now living with a few friends in an apartment we've had for about 6 months, and things are starting to look up despite all of the hardships I have struggled with since moving back. I have a wonderful new job, these friends have become my family, and I'm genuinely happier than when I first moved back to Texas. However, when I have tried to start dating, I find myself constantly hearing my ex husband telling me things like "You're crazy" and "It's all your fault". I know now that this is not true. We both had our own problems that led to our divorce. However I cannot shake his voice when I am feeling low. It always hits me unexpectedly. Has anyone had any experience with this? (I hope not, for your sake) How long will it take before I can start trusting people to get close to me again? Thanks in advance, sorry if I rambled a bit. I just find it easier to talk about problems such as this with people who are not close to me because they have rather... Biased opinions about my ex husband that it is rather difficult to get past mentioning him
Hey Pyroboy, Sounds like you have had a really rough time of things! Think you should be incredibly proud of yourself for managing to get through all of that and now in a place where you seem to feel like things might finally be picking up for you. I know it's easy to say but sounds like you really have to forget about the arguments when you were breaking up with your husband. I mean let's face it, nobody is complimenting each other during a breakup so it's all the bad stuff coming out. But look at it another way and he obviously loved you an awful lot to support you and look after you through rehab and after your diagnosis. He obviously thought you were special enough to stick around for that so that's a massive compliment in itself. If I were you, and you're still only in your early twenties - I think you've had a really tough time and now is the time to have some fun and enjoy yourself and not take things too seriously. Mr Right will probably appear when you least expect him to. I don't think anyone who was making a big effort to find a relationship ever found one. It's always when you're just a bit more chilled and enjoying yourself that someone will spot you and take an interest. Ok now I'm starting to ramble too
Keith, I appreciate the input. And you are right, he did care quite a bit (even to the end). He didn't actually give a date for the divorce until finding out whether I would receive any benefits from him being medically discharged from the Army. And I try, really hard, to forget about the things he's said. For the most part, I have. I haven't had it hit me in months now, but I still have this apprehension to go out and do anything by myself. I have to be with at least one other person, and even then I am still rather withdrawn because I'm afraid of how people might interpret the way I act. I'm not really worried about finding Mr. Right anytime soon, because even if Prince Charming stumbled up to me right now he would have an uphill battle to get my attention. I would say my efforts so far were more to test the waters, see how I would handle it. My past, though difficult to overcome, has a (somewhat) silver lining to it in the aspect of relationships. It helps me to weed out the close minded people before they even get close enough to be considered a friend (though that's probably also me pushing them away). Alright, that's enough rambling from me now.
Hi Pyroboy, Can I just ask what u mean when you say you're afraid of how people might interpret how you act? It is a lot easier to do anything with a friend or someone with you - especially going for a night out, is that what u mean or u just finding it difficult to do anything on your own?
I suffer from anxiety, as well, though not nearly as bad as my bipolar. Therefore, I always worry about what people may think, especially in public. If I am out with friends, I am a lot more lively because I know that they are someone that I can be comfortable with; my security blanket. If I go out alone, I would have a higher tendency to be rather skittish. Afraid to talk, skirting crowded areas, if at a bar I would likely be found sitting alone against the wall
Hey Pyroboy, I just want to give ya a huge hug You'll have to make do with a long distance one. My wife suffers from anxiety so I've seen exactly how much of a struggle that can be. And I know bi polar can be seriously hard to deal with. Maybe for the moment if you only feel comfortable around your friends then fuck it, just keep that security blanket with you for the moment and don't try force yourself to go out without them until you feel happier to. I don't have anxiety or bi polar but I would never go out without friends because I just wouldn't have the confidence to. If I was in a bar with a friend and they went to the rest room or something and left me alone for a few minutes I'd be super uncomfortable. I'd probably take out my phone or something and pretend to be doing something with that. There's no way I'd be trying to start talking with people I didn't know. And that's stupid and I know it is. I should be more open and have a bit more confidence but anyway I'm just making the point that even without the problems you have people find it tough out alone. You've a lot going on that must be so tough to deal with and you've been through a tough divorce so of course your confidence probably isn't full up at the moment. I just think maybe you're expecting a lot from yourself. Use your friends to make you feel safe - that's what friends are for!
Keith, I appreciate the input. It made me smile after work, and it's very comforting to get some support. You're right, I should stick to that security blanket and slowly open it to include other platonic friends and not force myself to do something more until it feels like the right time to do so. Big long distance hug for you as well
Aww, so glad to hear that! Makes me happy to hear your feeling a bit more positive bout things. I rely so much on my friends sometimes and I never feel bad for doing it because when they need me in the future or as some of them have in the past I'll be right here for them too. Try see the positives, you're 23 so loads of tge great fun years of your 20s still ahead, you're single and so have freedom to do what you want, you're completely out so no coming out to worry about. I'm actually getting bit jealous ah but seriously I know you're only getting back on your feet and things have been rough but you've loads to look forward to! We're gonna be skint sending these expensive long distance hugs but sure have another one lol.
Hey Pyroboy, So I was replying to people on posts and generally cruising about when I wondered how you were doing? So I had to go into my profile and into statistics and all that crap and then into the list of like all my posts and then down through them to find ya. And then guess what?! Nothin from ya! Well unless ya want a long distance slap let me know how you're doing I was working all weekend which was horrible but least I'm off tomorrow. I work in a gym and pool which you would think would be great for eye candy but unfortunately in Ireland it doesn't really work out like that! lol.
Well, I wouldn't say I'm doing terrible. I'm well on my way to moving up at work, but I don't feel very comfortable with it yet. I'm working in a warehouse prepping food to be shipped out (boxed meals for people to cook at home), and I was recently moved to a bagging machine. I am having trouble getting the hang of it, despite getting positive feedback. I have run it off and on the last two days, and on Thursday I'll be running the machine for a full 12 hour shift. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. But, work aside, I'm doing well. Just lying around the house on my four days off. Might go see my brother, his fiancée, and my nephew after my doctor's appointment Wednesday, but other than that it's going to be rest and relaxation. I am thinking about going out for a drink later, but not 100% sold on it yet
Pyroboy, I'm so sorry for your struggles. Mental illness and addiction are two horrible monsters. I have relatives with similar issues, bipolar I, borderline personality disorder, anxiety and depression. The cocktail of drugs can be as bad as the illness. Finding the right doctor is a struggle but keep pressing on, you are young and your body chemistry is still changing. I'm sorry your husband bailed. Mental illness is not easy to understand and is painful for those closest also. They have a hard time coping. You sound like a trouper. Never give up. I hear that dialectic behavioral therapy is good for your condition. It help to retrain the bipolar brain. Most of all your are loved by many. Write that on a card and post on your mirror so you see it every day. There is a purpose for your life with the experiences you have. My prayers and hugs, Bill
Bill, This is actually my first time hearing about that form of therapy. I will certainly have to look into it. As for a cocktail of drugs, I don't have that to worry about really. I take lithium carbonate three times a day, and an antiretroviral. It could be much worse, so in that case I am grateful that I had the support that I did at the time of my diagnosis for each condition and the quick treatment that was provided. My ex husband was of the mentality that if he couldn't see the problem, it didn't exist (oddly enough, he's also in the medical field). I really do need to put up some positive reinforcement notes everywhere, because I forgot about that coping mechanism. I used to do it years ago when I was suicidal, reminding myself daily of various positive statements and self compliments. Gratitude and hugs, Ty
Hi, Ty. William is correct. DBT (which is relatively new, compared to may other therapies) is one of the most validated, effective forms of therapy for bipolar disorder. Many therapists aren't yet trained in it (or are trained but inexperienced.) It actually sounds like you're making significant progress, and recognizing some previous strategies that were helpful. Notes to remind yourself can be really helpful, and talking to people (as you're doing here) is also very helpful. It sounds like you're taking very positive steps for yourself!
Pyroboy, I'm sorry you're dealing with what sounds like a combination of things that create an especially challenging time right now. I also deal with depression and anxiety. I take medication for depression and the anxiety diagnosis is new, so I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. It does manifest as a social fear similar to what you describe. One of my strategies is to really monitor and understand how I talk to myself - especially what thoughts go through my head in certain social situations. I've taken those thoughts to be "the truth" for most of my life, and because they're distorted through mental illness I also have a distorted view of myself and my social world. I have mostly dealt with it, but it's always there. Being aware of it is key. I hope you're taking good care of yourself and allowing yourself some grace. You can also be proud of the things that are going well and know that you really love your real self, and that this love is coming from your real (not perceived through distortion), healthy self. *warm hugs* Patrick
Hi Pyroboy, Sounds like you're doing well and it's great that ur getting some advice here on coping. Try not to get stressed about work. That bagging machine sounds complicated but I had to learn how to operate a lot of machinery to do with the filtration plant on the pool at work. All levers and valves and water chemistry. It's like anything though. You just have to concentrate at the start til you get the hang of it and over time you'll get the hang of it. That's nice that u get to spend time with your brother and his family, keep surrounding yourself with people who care about you. And on your days off don't spend too much time sitting about doing nothing, that's always nice but try get out and do things if you can, even just a walk or a run or something. Releases the happy hormones and should help if only in a small way. Chocolate helps too but seriously one day at a time and sounds like you're doing great.
