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Coming out to young kids

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Outandabout1120, Oct 13, 2016.

  1. Outandabout1120

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    Hi! I am a divorced mom of 3 kids ages 14, 10 and 6 and am dating another woman. We live together but not many people know about us. I really want to be open but want my kids to hear from me firsthand. Any advice on how to tell them? I don't want it to be awkward and am clueless on how to approach it. When given the opportunity I've said things like "some girls date girls", etc. so they know it happens lol but just not sure how to go about telling them about me and their "roommate." They adore her and all have a very close bond with her as we've lived together for over 2 years. I'm just not sure how to tell them but am so tired of having a secret relationship with only a few family members and close friends knowing.

    Thanks for any advice!!
     
  2. Keith83

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    Hi Outandabout1120,
    I've 2 kids aged 6 and 10 too. I'm not claiming to be any sort of expert on this but kids generally are far less judgemental about these things than adults. And they already love your partner which is fantastic. I think it'll only be as big a deal as you make it. I wonder would it be a better idea if you told them with your partner and that way you have a bit of support and they can see that this isn't any sort of big deal and that you are both relaxed and calm and that nobody is making this a big deal.
    And obviously I know it's a big deal for you but just in terms of the kids understanding that you're not telling them you've killed somebody lol. Your just saying you're with a girl. I'd probably just order Inn a take away or something and while your all together having food just casually bring up the fact that they know that you and her have been living together and are good friends and sometimes friends start to date and that's just what's happened. I think the two big decisions are do you tell them by yourself or with your partner (or even could your partner make a strategic exit while u tell them - ear probably glued to the door lol and then conveniently arrive back at the right moment? You know your kids better than anyone so you have to just judge what's best. The only other thing I'd wonder is should you tell your older child first and separately and then maybe ask them to let you tell the other two. Somehow I think maybe the 14 year old might have more questions or need a little more of a conversation.
    I wouldn't be worrying too much tho, your kids love you and your partner so once you have that foundation in place and tell the kids in a gentle way.

    Let us know how you get on or feel free to chat if you're just trying to figure stuff out.
     
  3. looking for me

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    I think Keith83 pretty much nailed it. they know your partner, they love her as you say, find a quiet time, maybe with the older one first and just tell them that you love each other. kids are pretty accepting, especially when they are younger as they haven't had that hate programed into them yet, at least not as deeply.
     
  4. greatwhale

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    My kids know that I am gay and are now slowly getting to know my boyfriend. I've been with him 10 months now and it is going well. He helped my older son who was moving a couple of months ago and he is often with me when I see my daughter. There have been no declarations on my part that he is my BF, it just simply is a fact of my life right now and I know that they know who he is to me, which is fine for now. There has been no stress, they like him and that is all that counts.

    Allow me to suggest the Colage website for people with a LGBT+ parent(s), it provides very useful advice and support.
     
  5. RosePetals76

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    I would place a bet that with your kids being those ages and you living together, your kids already know. They aren't all that young. Fairly similar in ages to mine, and I know there's no way mine would go without noticing.

    When I first started dating women, though, I asked them how they would feel if I was dating a woman flat out. None of them were upset about the idea at all. Just go for it.
     
  6. Keith83

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    I think Rosepetals76 is right. The longer you put this off the bigger a thing it's becoming in your head and probably the more nervous you're getting. I think of course with a little planning as to what you'll say, like Rosepetals said - just go for it and let us know how you get on but I'm sure it'll go better than you think :slight_smile:
     
  7. Choirboy

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    I basically blurted it out to my oldest daughter (16 at the time) the day after I told my wife. She was utterly nonchalant about it and mentioned that she knew several guys who were gay. I was shocked at how much it wasn't a big deal - although her mother and I had a very tense relationship for years, so I doubt that much of anything would have surprised her.

    I told my youngest several months later - my wife had initially decided that she was "too young" (she was almost 13), and then some time later talked with a counselor friend of hers who decided she HAD to know, and the sooner the better. She didn't seem to want to talk about it, although that tends to be the way she deals with everything. But again, it wasn't a big deal.

    When I started seeing someone almost immediately (not something I sought out; but we found each other unexpectedly and knew almost instantly that we were the one for each other), each of the girls had one big emotional outburst about it with me, and it was very obvious that their fear was that he was some kind of replacement for them. We talked; they got over it quickly; and even when their mom and I split and I moved out, they were almost ridiculously understanding about it.

    Now they are 16 and 19. Both are friends with my partner on Facebook; although I don't see them as often as I'd like, my relationship with them is strong and they are wonderful allies. My youngest texted me this morning--she has a big band competition tomorrow--and asked excitedly if I could bring my partner. She has only really met him once or twice but likes him and appreciates how happy he and I are. So we're going together tomorrow.

    If you love your children and communicate well with them, this really doesn't have to change things. I worked myself into a dither trying to tell my youngest (I had lost some of the momentum by then!), but their reactions were both much less cataclysmic and dramatic than I convinced myself they would be. What they realize more than anything else is that Dad is much happier now and much more of a real person to them, because he's a more real person to himself.