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Confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by PBL88, Oct 13, 2016.

  1. PBL88

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    Hi, this is my first post so just a little bit about my myself.
    I'm 32 and have been married for 5yrs at the start of this year my marriage broke down as I came out. I'm currently going through a divorce and still sharing a house with my soon to be ex wife. Three months ago I met a guy on a app we chatted for 6 weeks and then met up, we were instantly hooked on eachother and shared dates and weekends away. However he is a mature student and lives at home with his family so with him there and me staying at home it became hard for us to see eachother where it can be just the two of us. He was getting annoyed with the situation and despite declaring his love for me on numerous occasions thought that it would be best if we break and then get together once my house has sold and I have my own place. I reluctantly agreed. Anyway last night I noticed that he added loads of guys on Facebook some that I knew were on a hook up app when I was on it. I logged on this hook up app and saw his profile up there with the strap line 'just on here passing time'. Part of me thinks it's ok as we are on a break and I can't expect him to turn to a monk but the other part is devestated because if he loved me as much as he said he wouldn't be on the app so quick! What do you guys think?
     
  2. Keith83

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    Hey PBL88
    To be honest I think if he really loves you I'd wonder why he wanted to have a break til u were more available. Surely he could have just waited? It sounds like his living arrangements made him as unavailable as you for getting time for just two of you. It just doesn't sound like it was particularly your fault that it was difficult to find time together so why the break?
    Hard to know what to think bout Facebook. Could he be playing games? Adding guys to try and make you jealous? Because he knows you'd see it all?
    Or if you think he is trying to hook up with these guys then is he ever going to be trustworthy? Would you ever trust him in the future? I don't know and I know your head is probably a mess worrying and stressing about it all. Must be really tough but going to take a bit of figuring out or might it be time to meet him for a drink and tell him how you feel?
    I really hope it works out but just keep your eyes open and try not let your heart rule you instead of your head if you think somethings not right because you don't want to get hurt in the end.
     
  3. PBL88

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    Thanks for the advice.
    I don't think that he is doing anything to make me jealous on purpose.
    I'm just really hurt and betrayed. My fault I suppose for letting my guard down and letting someone in. Will be more cautious next time.
     
  4. Keith83

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    Aw just want to give ya a hug! Would it be worth trying to talk to him or do you feel it's definitely over?
     
  5. Poppy43

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    Sorry to hear of your problems with this guy, I think hes fobbing you off. If he was really bothered about you then he would work round the fact that you both dont have your own places. Also why couldnt he have suggested going to a Travelodge or something?
    I'd move on if I were you and try to find someone whos really into you,he isnt.
     
  6. Keith83

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    I hate to say it but I think Poppy43 is completely right. She said exactly what I'd been thinking. He could have found a way around things and made an effort - but he didn't. But that's no reflection on you. So you go find someone who's going to properly appreciate you. Big hugz!
     
  7. PBL88

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    Thanks guys I have decided to break things off completely, I can't wait around for someone that just stringing me along. Hes taken my heart and stomped on it...I will get better though. Gonna stay single for a bit and enjoy this new life.
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    Welcome to EC :welcome: and congratulations on coming out to your wife and moving towards a life of authenticity. These are huge steps!

    I think it would be constructive if you look at this situation from a different perspective.

    My take is that you have different expectations about the breakup and you probably have stronger feelings for him, though based on what you wrote I don't fully understand his perspective or the need to break up when you've had weekends away before.

    He suggested and you accepted that you break things off. Why did you agree to this if you feel so strongly about him? Why didn't you fight for what you valued? Do you think things might have worked out differently had you been more true to yourself and made your feelings part of the conversation?

    Think about this from his perspective - you agreed to break things off, so he's free to pursue other guys. So are you. It's that simple. I hope you can see that you set yourself up for your own disappointment here. You're stringing yourself along with false hopes, not him.

    PS - It just occurred to me that this might be your first relationship while on your coming out high.
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Oct 15, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2016
  9. Keith83

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    I think Siennafire makes some good points. It is true that you should fight for what / who you want but should you fight for someone if they're not giving the same effort in return? I'm honestly not sure what the answer to that question is. I'm having that problem with a friend at the moment. I'm making all the effort and wondering am I fighting for a friendship I value or being made a fool of. It's a tricky one...
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    The OP agreed to break up without voicing his desires, so I feel that's a different situation than what you are discussing.

    If you fight for someone and they are not giving the same effort in return, after you give them several kicks in the butt to raise their effort and they aren't, I would break things off. This was the case with my ex-BF. He wasn't giving the same effort. I expressed my concerns. We broke up.
     
  11. Patrick7269

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    I'm not impressed with what he did. To say "I want to break - for now - and come back when you're more practical" is - shall we say - patronizing? It doesn't sound like there was much commitment (if any) on his side.

    As you're going through this transition from marriage to gay relationships you may be vulnerable and rightfully seeking companionship. You _will_ kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your Prince! This guy is sounding like a frog to me.

    I hope it works, but I would not stay committed to someone who's not really pursuing you. It doesn't sound like a balanced relationship. I suggest considering what you need and whether he can give it to you.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick

    P.S. - Reading your later post about breaking it off completely and moving on I couldn't agree more. I think it's good to move on.
     
    #11 Patrick7269, Oct 17, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2016
  12. PBL88

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    Thanks for advice guys. Everyday I'm getting better and stronger and thinking more about my new life ahead rather than him. Actually looking forward to start dating but this won't be until the new year
     
  13. SiennaFire

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    Getting over him is progress moving in the right direction. We gay men coming from a mixed-orientation marriage often tend to put the needs of others ahead of our own. The key learning for you is to advocate for what you want more aggressively in the future.

    Waiting to start dating is a smart move. Based on my personal experience, I would encourage you to wait until you're past your coming out high before dating. Otherwise you might make bad decisions influenced by the euphoria of the coming out high.

    (*hug*)
     
  14. I'm gay

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    SiennaFire - or anyone else -

    How long does the coming out high tend to last? I'm still high as a kite on the coming out drug, so I have no clarity on how long this lasts.
     
  15. SiennaFire

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    My guidance is that once you are off the high and begin to reflect on coming out, you are ready to date. For me it was approximately 6-9 months after coming out, though there are so many variables such that your mileage will vary. At some level you will know when you are ready if you are reasonably self-aware.